An Essay, dedicated to a friend of mine.

[Topazia]

I used to be clinically depressed. I still recognize the propensity to fall into that mindset. I even was prescribed drugs for it. I didn't take them because they just made it worse.

How did I get better? I didn't really get any counseling for it. I did go a few times but it wasn't really got depression. I didn't take drugs, I didn't play an inspirational CD over and over to brainwash myself.

...I stopped listening to the horrible little voice that kept telling me I was nothing. I stopped paying attention to what others thought of me and started doing what I wanted regardless of my social standing. It wasn't worth trying to put my five pointed star into the square hole my peers demanded.

I picked up creative habits to vent through writing, drawing, and reading. I stopped trying to make friends and instead invented my own friends in my imaginary worlds.

I grew more confident in who I was. I became less shy and afraid of other people. I made a few friends, as I didn't need the whole school on my side; only one or two. I focused on positives even if only to amuse myself.

To this day I still hear the mean voice whispering cruel judgments in my ear. I still feel down, and I'm quick to anger and irritation. But I recognize what's happening and play the mental games I invented to stimulate myself. I make up math problems and word problems and puns. I pick out ironies and funny little things to make me smile.

I believe I'll always have a little internal bully in my ear. But bullies go away if you ignore them. They become less stressful if you find something else to occupy your mind.

Watching the rain wash the earth clean, finding peace in a quiet corner of the park or a patch of woods, even creating my own escape with a good book or writing my own...it helped in middle school, to the point of me going from vaguely toying with the notion of suicide to friendly but kinda shy bookworm.

Renew your mind. Do something you used to love but don't seem to have time for anymore. Take a walk in your old neighborhood of your still local. Recall games of tag with your friends. Remember the sunset-lit last hour of play before bedtime, laughter and grass stained jeans, minor scrapes from tripping during hopscotch. Hey, even do some of those things. If you can, climb that tree you used to be afraid of. You're bigger now, and you can reach the next branch better.

Just find a way to exhale the negative buildup that keeps hissing at you from the back of your mind. Replace it with cuddly kittens, warm memories, and a cup of hot chocolate. Go for a bike ride to increase endorphin releases in your brain. Eat cashews if your not allergic. Two handfuls a day is an effective, non habit forming antidepressant. Cut down on tuna if that's your staple protein. Mercury buildup can cause all sorts of neurological issues including hearing and eyesight impairment and depression. If you're under 160lbs, one or two cans a week is the most you should eat. Children are one can a week.

Depression is a chemical issue, but the effects of it are very tangible, more so than medical jargon. There are tangible ways to improve it on a chemical level.

I don't need to be perfect. I don't need to be beautiful. I don't even need to be happy all the time. I just need to be me. The rest can come later, but it'll never come if I surrender my rational mind to aberrant misfires. I am too important to too many people to relinquish control to something so irrelevant, no matter how big it seems in my mind eye.

I hope this helps anyone who may be struggling with depression. Yes, this post is driven by thoughts of one friend, but it applies to everyone.

:-) smile. I promise it gets better.

[Horatio]

WOW! I have reread this a number of times and it only gets better with each reading. Not too often am I at a loss for words. This is such a wonderful and moving essay and I do not have the words to express how much I appreciate you posting it. You brought up a very valuable point, about taking the drugs that are pushed. The side effects are sometimes so much worse than the problem. When you hear one of the side effects of a depression medication might be suicide... you have to wonder. Thank you!

[Topazia]

I'm glad you liked it

[Horatio]

This is a piece you will need to put in a special place for when you publish your book of shorts. It is that good!

 

*hands Topazia The Meteor Shower award*