Mister Beal, are you for real?

[Glowurm]

Therapist annoys me.

But I still need somewhere to get it all out

(apparently)

So I choose here. In this topic.

 

I can live without the swearing in my rants.

It will be good self-moderating practise, I guess?

I'm normally worse than a sailor.

...I swear. =w=

 

To be honest. What I apparently need isn't just a place to get it all out, but a place not online to get it all out. So really I'm just messing with it to my advantage. Go figure.

 

Speaking of places to get it out. My therapist. Mr. Beal. He's not worried. At all. He smiled and giggled a little and wrote a lot and even yawned. I mean come on mate. Least you could do is fake concern. I don't even care about my problems when I see you. It's just a constant test to see if I can get you to look at me with those eyes and NOT be grinning like an idiot. Ugh. Or maybe it's the fact you're doing this to me in a hospital. I can't stand it. My voice echoes, even though the room is tiny. Everything's so pristine. I wanted to hide under your stupid wooden out-of-place Ikea desk. I hate it. Or perhaps it's simply the fact my mum took me? I mean, as much as I love her, I can't take being in the same car as her right now. Every time she phones it's always with a complaint. Always. I always get a lecture. Always. I've always done something wrong. Always. I'm always wrong. Always. And the worst part? She always phones. Always.

It's gotten to the point where I hate the phone so much because of it that answering it for OTHER people is getting difficult. Feels like THEY all want to shout at me too.

 

Tonight I suggested to dad I would off myself. Not to make him worry. But to make him shut up. I would never off myself. I acknowledge this over and over to anyone and everyone. But darn if I don't use it. Apparently I'm psycho enough it's believable. Unfortunately he was too drunk to notice and continued on his rant. Far out. If mum found out about this, she'd tell -her- therapist. If she told -her- therapist, I wouldn't be surprised if the [censored] child protection services came into play. Or at least that's what I've been told. From everyone. Or it seems like everyone. Probably not everyone.

 

Where was I going with this?

I suddenly forgot.

Oh well.

 

I was shaking the whole time I was talking to the therapist. Could hear it in my voice too. I had to take multiple attempts at most my words. I bet he thinks I'm paranoid. Or he would. If he cared. At all.

The only reason I agreed to see him is because [A] it would get my mother off my back from trying to be a therapist herSELF (chronically depressed therapists don't do well!), and I thought he would have, at LEAST, a carpet. Psychologists in hospital rooms... are scary. It's so ominous. Like if anything went vaguely wrong he could commit me right then and there. I hate it. I still hate him.

 

And hate is a strong word

But these are strong emotions

It's appropriate.

[Horatio]

Hate is a strong word, but I understand why you would feel this way. Seems like your parents are the basis of the problem. Are you able to find a different therapist? Perhaps one that you would like?

 

Unfortunately Mister Beal might just be real.

[Glowurm]

Hate is a strong word, but I understand why you would feel this way. Seems like your parents are the basis of the problem. Are you able to find a different therapist? Perhaps one that you would like?

 

Unfortunately Mister Beal might just be real.

To the contrary, I am most definitely the problem. I'm simply creating problems for myself through my way of thinking. Everything that's 'wrong' is in my head, which is why I have to go to head-doctors.

 

Um... I forgot what I was thinking again. I keep losing my thoughts. Losing my mind. Wahaha. It's like some bugger's stealing it. I can feel the thoughts wriggling out.

 

I don't think I'd be able to find another therapist, because I know for a fact that if I were to tell my mother I wanted a different therapist, I'd never hear the end of her questions. It makes me want to cry just thinking about the #### she gives me. I mean, I don't blame her, but honestly. I'm weak as it is.

 

How would you all like to know one of my greatest fears?

Falling apart. Breaking down. Losing it.

Basically, I'm afraid of exposing myself to anyone. Absolutely afraid of it. I think of it now, and I'd rather die than let anyone know everything about me. Anyone at all. It might just be falling apart, I mean, everyone managing to see my insides without me wanting them to, but even thinking about telling someone everything gives me shivers and makes me feel sick. Maybe I'm afraid of myself to a point, for telling someone about me to be a problem. It can't simply be an open-and-shut case of being afraid of other people knowing. I don't even like thinking about what 'everything' encompasses inside me. Giving me shakes right now.

 

Last night I had a panic attack. Again. These are getting scary. I can't stop them like I used to. Mind over matter isn't enough any more. I need help. But Bealieboy isn't the help I need.

 

I have completely assaulted the italic function in this post.

[Horatio]

Hate is a strong word, but I understand why you would feel this way. Seems like your parents are the basis of the problem. Are you able to find a different therapist? Perhaps one that you would like?

 

Unfortunately Mister Beal might just be real.

To the contrary, I am most definitely the problem. I'm simply creating problems for myself through my way of thinking. Everything that's 'wrong' is in my head, which is why I have to go to head-doctors.

 

Um... I forgot what I was thinking again. I keep losing my thoughts. Losing my mind. Wahaha. It's like some bugger's stealing it. I can feel the thoughts wriggling out.

 

I don't think I'd be able to find another therapist, because I know for a fact that if I were to tell my mother I wanted a different therapist, I'd never hear the end of her questions. It makes me want to cry just thinking about the #### she gives me. I mean, I don't blame her, but honestly. I'm weak as it is.

 

How would you all like to know one of my greatest fears?

Falling apart. Breaking down. Losing it.

Basically, I'm afraid of exposing myself to anyone. Absolutely afraid of it. I think of it now, and I'd rather die than let anyone know everything about me. Anyone at all. It might just be falling apart, I mean, everyone managing to see my insides without me wanting them to, but even thinking about telling someone everything gives me shivers and makes me feel sick. Maybe I'm afraid of myself to a point, for telling someone about me to be a problem. It can't simply be an open-and-shut case of being afraid of other people knowing. I don't even like thinking about what 'everything' encompasses inside me. Giving me shakes right now.

 

Last night I had a panic attack. Again. These are getting scary. I can't stop them like I used to. Mind over matter isn't enough any more. I need help. But Bealieboy isn't the help I need.

 

I have completely assaulted the italic function in this post.

You have friends here and we will never ask you to expose more than you are willing.

 

Exposing everything about yourself means giving up control. People with food problems, anorexia and bulimia for example, use food to show they have control over something. I do understand your not wanting to open yourself up totally. Once you do that, there is no taking it back. You have to trust that person one million percent and even then you are never totally sure. Lots of people never expose their total self.

 

Being pushed to the point of falling apart, breaking down and losing it is tough. I was there. No fun.

 

Panic attacks... I have a friend who is unable to drive through tunnels. She was approaching the tunnel one day, not knowing she was about to start having tunnel panic attacks, and as she got to the toll booth, in rush hour traffic (heading into New York City), she started having a panic attack. They had to call the police, stop traffic and turn her around so she could take the bridge. At the time this had happened, she was alone in the car. We have tried driving through the tunnel, but now she is only on the step where she is sitting in the back seat and you do NOT stop. Stopping would induce a panic attack and she would get out of the car and walk. Which is, of course, not in any way permitted. So, I do understand about panic attacks. Mind over matter did not help her either.

 

I'm sorry your mother screams when you try and suggest something that is better for you. The one thing that I can suggest... is not to say or make any reference to you being better off dead. For some reason, head-doctors don't understand that sometimes people say this, not because they are going to do it, but for the reason that it seems to show a state of mind and where that person is in reference to that state of mind.

 

How old are you?

[Glowurm]

You have friends here and we will never ask you to expose more than you are willing.

 

Exposing everything about yourself means giving up control. People with food problems, anorexia and bulimia for example, use food to show they have control over something. I do understand your not wanting to open yourself up totally. Once you do that, there is no taking it back. You have to trust that person one million percent and even then you are never totally sure. Lots of people never expose their total self.

 

Being pushed to the point of falling apart, breaking down and losing it is tough. I was there. No fun.

 

Panic attacks... I have a friend who is unable to drive through tunnels. She was approaching the tunnel one day, not knowing she was about to start having tunnel panic attacks, and as she got to the toll booth, in rush hour traffic (heading into New York City), she started having a panic attack. They had to call the police, stop traffic and turn her around so she could take the bridge. At the time this had happened, she was alone in the car. We have tried driving through the tunnel, but now she is only on the step where she is sitting in the back seat and you do NOT stop. Stopping would induce a panic attack and she would get out of the car and walk. Which is, of course, not in any way permitted. So, I do understand about panic attacks. Mind over matter did not help her either.

 

I'm sorry your mother screams when you try and suggest something that is better for you. The one thing that I can suggest... is not to say or make any reference to you being better off dead. For some reason, head-doctors don't understand that sometimes people say this, not because they are going to do it, but for the reason that it seems to show a state of mind and where that person is in reference to that state of mind.

 

How old are you?

Of course. So you won't mind me saying that you'll find out how old I am in six days, when it's my birthday. >w>

Ooooor at least it's my birthday here in Australia. I think the time difference means you'll be seeing it the day after. ono So about a week?

Anyway.

 

There's only one person that has the chance to achieve that level of trust with me, but in our current situations, that's not going to happen.

Perhaps it's giving up control. Ah, I don't want to think about that. 'Why' is my least favourite question of late.

 

It seems that everyone gets pushed to the point at one time in their life. But it's arguable that unless you experience unhappiness you wouldn't know that you were feeling happiness, or vice versa. If you didn't know what it was like to feel happy, you wouldn't know what it was like to feel unhappy, because you'd have nothing to compare the unhappiness to. Right?

 

Hey, funny thought. most of my emotional turmoil seems to happen in December. Which is right after school gets out for me, as well as right after my birthday, as well as the first month of summer, as well as the Christmas month. Sorry, I keep thinking of and mentioning irrelevant things. xD I did mention how this is kind of my rant topic now, right? Pretty much every time I think of something I'll be writing it down, so expect some pretty unrelated subjects coming up in the middle of my posts. >w>

 

I have a friend that pretty much literally lost his marriage to prop 8. I'm pretty angry about that one.

 

Sounds like a pretty extreme claustrophobia. ono

Phobias are horrid. x'D

I have pharmacophobia. To the point where even aspirin gives me chills. It's been getting worse lately, too. Hate drugs. There was a curriculum-required presentation on crystal meth in health class. I had a panic attack. Ugh, in the middle of class.

 

My mother doesn't scream at me. She incessantly bothers me with questions. Not sure where you got screaming from. >w>

 

I don't tell therapists anything like that, whether or not I'm feeling it at the time. The problem with me is that I somewhat understand how I sound and so I can change how people see me pretty easily. I don't tell therapists about suicidal thoughts because that's basically saying "I'M PHYSICALLY IN DANGER THEREFORE YOU CAN TELL EVERYONE EVERYTHING I'VE SAID". Seriously, I hate how the confidentiality laws work. So I never tell them about physical harm. Never tell them about my tendency to paint my wall red using my forehead, or the weird ritual with the balcony I've done a few times, or what I think of every time I see some sort of weapon.

 

But despite what I've just admitted to then - lord, I haven't even told some of my closest friends about that - that's not the worst part. The worst part is when it's not actually suicidal thoughts that dominate my mind. It's homicidal. I'm more a danger to other people than I am to me. Especially if anything goes wrong, I get positively... brutal. I've broken benches at school, bed springs at home, laundry baskets and clothing in rages brought on mostly by people telling me something I didn't want to hear. Like when one of my friends said, through MSN, "OH I'M IN HI SKUUL SO I HAV POT CONNECTONS AND I R CURIOZ SO I CALLD UP--" I blocked him and managed to leave a dent in my wall, my door, and a crack in the mirror I don't think anyone has noticed yet but is surprisingly obvious. If he had told me face to face I can say with full assurance I would have beaten the living #### out of him. And that's what scares me, sometimes.

He talked to me later, because I hadn't actually let him finish. He hadn't done it in the end. He acknowledged that, pretty simply, he already has to take a tonne of pills per day so he doesn't go nuts and pretty much smoking stuff wouldn't really help with that now would it? He gave me a panic attack and made me destroy my property (as I would have him) over nothing, in other words. I would have beaten him up over what turned out to be absolutely nothing. Though, I still can't believe he was so stupid as to even consider it in the first place, considering his situation with medication. I mean honestly. #### curious. That was just ####ing stupid of him. I'm still angry at him over that.

 

He pulled a balcony stunt a few weeks ago when he missed his meds. He's currently grounded until Christmas. Because we all know when your son tries to kill himself, it's the best thing for everyone to not let him see any of his friends or do anything he enjoys. But to be honest, his mum is really not herself lately. Acting like before she had the bi-polar treatments... This can't be good for him. Damn, I care about that kid way too much. I'm thinking about him more than I'm letting on here, I'll tell you that.

 

But, uh, -way- back to what I was originally saying about knowing therapists. I don't tell them some of the more dangerous stuff because I know they'd break confidentiality if they did. I also don't tell them what I think directly, because if I say stuff like "OH I SUFFERED A MANIC STATE OF ABOUT X HOURS IN LENGTH, FOLLOWED BY A CRASH AND A DAY-LONG BLABLABLA" because they don't take you seriously. They think you're reading it from a script. Faking. So pretty much I always find myself, instead of taking a lot less words and saying what's wrong, describing what's wrong and waiting for them to produce the weird terms for things THAT I ALREADY KNOW because it seems like they won't listen to anyone but themselves. =o=

 

 

 

 

I've written about 15-20 paragraphs in this post, it's just that for some reason I keep writing stuff and deleting it because I disagree with what I'm saying before I even finish saying it.

Have I mentioned that? Probably not. I have this really weird habit of disagreeing with myself all the time. It's partially why I'm so indecisive lots of the time. I'll think for ages and say one thing, then later (five minutes, five hours, five days, whatever) and completely disagree with it.

It's so horridly confusing.

 

:c

 

I'm also afraid of developing without spirituality. I have not had a spiritual event yet in my life. I don't mean word of god blahblah. I mean just generic, but genuine, spiritual events. Getting baptised as a baby doesn't count (as if you know what it means back then). Stuff where you actually know what's going on, and can't explain it, but know it exists and what it means for you and ugh I hate not having that for some reason. A friend tells me he's a zoanthrope/therian/whatever you want to call it and I don't freak out. Instead, I envy him for having that level of spirituality in his life to be able to say such a thing and be serious and genuine about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently italic is my favourite function ever.

 

My birthday is in a week, but I want to know - how old do you think I am? I've said how old I am before, so don't cheat and go looking for it or something. x'D

I want to see if you either remember, or can guess. ouo

[dog lover]

I do sincerely hope you will be able to work through your problems. Reading your posts, it reminded me of a book I read, "Impulse" by Ellen Hopkins...

This is a summary I found...

Sometimes you don't wake up. But if you happen to, you know things will never be the same.

Three lives, three different paths to the same destination: Aspen Springs, a psychiatric hospital for those who have attempted the ultimate act -- suicide.

Vanessa is beautiful and smart, but her secrets keep her answering the call of the blade.

Tony, after suffering a painful childhood, can only find peace through pills.

And Conner, outwardly, has the perfect life. But dig a little deeper and find a boy who is in constant battle with his parents, his life, himself.

In one instant each of these young people decided enough was enough. They grabbed the blade, the bottle, the gun -- and tried to end it all. Now they have a second chance, and just maybe, with each other's help, they can find their way to a better life -- but only if they're strong and can fight the demons that brought them here in the first place.

 

I know you said that you weren't seriously considering suicide, but I think some of it might ring true, like having to deal with therapists/parents/etc who don't understand.

 

Anyway, just wanted to mention it. It's kind of a thick book, but it reads quickly.

 

~Liz

[Horatio]

I do sincerely hope you will be able to work through your problems. Reading your posts, it reminded me of a book I read, "Impulse" by Ellen Hopkins...

This is a summary I found...

Sometimes you don't wake up. But if you happen to, you know things will never be the same.

Three lives, three different paths to the same destination: Aspen Springs, a psychiatric hospital for those who have attempted the ultimate act -- suicide.

Vanessa is beautiful and smart, but her secrets keep her answering the call of the blade.

Tony, after suffering a painful childhood, can only find peace through pills.

And Conner, outwardly, has the perfect life. But dig a little deeper and find a boy who is in constant battle with his parents, his life, himself.

In one instant each of these young people decided enough was enough. They grabbed the blade, the bottle, the gun -- and tried to end it all. Now they have a second chance, and just maybe, with each other's help, they can find their way to a better life -- but only if they're strong and can fight the demons that brought them here in the first place.

 

I know you said that you weren't seriously considering suicide, but I think some of it might ring true, like having to deal with therapists/parents/etc who don't understand.

 

Anyway, just wanted to mention it. It's kind of a thick book, but it reads quickly.

 

~Liz

Sounds like a good book.

*adds "Impulse" to my reading list*

[dog lover]

I do sincerely hope you will be able to work through your problems. Reading your posts, it reminded me of a book I read, "Impulse" by Ellen Hopkins...

This is a summary I found...

Sometimes you don't wake up. But if you happen to, you know things will never be the same.

Three lives, three different paths to the same destination: Aspen Springs, a psychiatric hospital for those who have attempted the ultimate act -- suicide.

Vanessa is beautiful and smart, but her secrets keep her answering the call of the blade.

Tony, after suffering a painful childhood, can only find peace through pills.

And Conner, outwardly, has the perfect life. But dig a little deeper and find a boy who is in constant battle with his parents, his life, himself.

In one instant each of these young people decided enough was enough. They grabbed the blade, the bottle, the gun -- and tried to end it all. Now they have a second chance, and just maybe, with each other's help, they can find their way to a better life -- but only if they're strong and can fight the demons that brought them here in the first place.

 

I know you said that you weren't seriously considering suicide, but I think some of it might ring true, like having to deal with therapists/parents/etc who don't understand.

 

Anyway, just wanted to mention it. It's kind of a thick book, but it reads quickly.

 

~Liz

Sounds like a good book.

*adds "Impulse" to my reading list*

We had to read it for the book club that I'm in at my school. I like being in book club, because it introduces me to books I might not have picked up myself. LIke our current book, "Three Cups of Tea." (But I'm getting off-topic...this belongs in the book thread)

 

~Liz

[Glowurm]

My mental state is getting worse.

 

I can't really cope with my brain any more; maybe people are right when they act like I can't be responsible for it. That isn't to say I'm going to attempt anything ridiculous as suicide (though the balcony drop looks sweeter every day) but I sure as heck am in trouble.

 

To give a short example of what I mean:

 

Yesterday I had a panic attack in the middle of maths. No, nothing brought it on. It came out of nowhere. It's not panic disorder, though, I can tell you that. Anyway.

As soon as I worked up the ability to walk, I asked (and stuttered a bunch too, go figure) if I could go to the bathroom. I went and immediately turned into the showers. We don't have mandatory showers, so it's needless to say they're almost never used and it's a fairly safe spot to be when you're shaking like a leaf and hyperventilating. Still, I was scared someone would see, and every time I heard the bathroom door open I would duck into one of the shower cubicle things and hide until whoever it was left. It was there I started... for lack of a better word, hallucinating.

The first shower cubicle had water on the floor still, and it would squelch beneath my shoes. At the time, however, I had myself convinced that the whole cubicle was smothered in blood. There were words written on the wall (I'm lucky that I can't remember them, because I know at the time they freaked me even more out) and the floor was still wet with the thick, red stuff. I left footprints when I walked out. And the weirdest part was that even though I couldn't see the blood, I had myself completely convinced without a shadow of a doubt that the whole cubicle was absolutely dripping with blood.

When I left the cubicle, I pressed myself up against the wall, and looked across. There was a kind of short hall-like path area through the middle of the showers, leading to the main bathroom, and then outside. In the middle of the path, not too far in front of me, I saw a man. He was dead. But he was just standing there, looking at me. He did nothing, said nothing, and his expression gave away nothing - he was completely and utterly plain. And I think it was because of that he freaked me out even more. I even started whispering, then telling, then shouting at him to go away. Then the door opened again and I slunk into the bloody cubicle again. I freaked out twofold when I realised that the blood in the cubicle was that of the man in the hall. I was shaking harder and I actually left the cubicle before whoever was in the bathroom left. But he didn't see me, so that's okay. I told the man to leave me alone, to go away, and to stop it but he kept just standing there and looking at me and doing nothing. The door opened again. I was too scared to go back into the blood cubicle, so I went into the cubicle on the other side.

This one wasn't nearly as bad - there was no water (blood) on the floor. There was a dead beetle, which lead to me believing the floor was writhing with beetled and bugs over a festering patch of soil, but that wasn't as bad as the other two. It still freaked me out and made me worse, though. When the door of the bathroom creaked open and shut again, implying the person left, I moved out of the cubicle and resumed begging the man still standing there to leave me alone and stop hurting me. I was pretty much in a ball on the floor. I noticed a little bit of white powder on the ground - probably sand or salt or sugar or a powder of some kind - and right away I got ten times worse, because I had myself convinced that the entire path in front of me was smeared with drugs. Absolutely covered in the stuff. I couldn't see the ground beneath the different white shades of cocaine, heroin, meth, and mdma. Have I mentioned I'm pharmacophobic yet? Deathly afraid of it.

So pretty much I couldn't move. One side was blood. Other side was beetles. The way out was the man and drugs. I stayed shaking in that bathroom for the rest of the lesson, and then when I calmed down enough to get my sensibilities back and notice that none of what I was freaking out over was actually there, I went back to class to get my stuff. I ran out of the bathroom anyway.

I was still a bit shaken, though, and actually told my hands to stop shaking so I could do my work at multiple occasions. Diiiidn't exactly look good. Anyway.

About five minutes after being back, I realised it was time to see Bealyboy again. That freaked me out a bit. I pretty much ran to the car park just in time for my dad to pick me up.

 

 

TL;DR: Read it or don't, but thar be no summaries here. >U

 

To put my session with him in short:

I almost had a panic attack right in front of him. He didn't even begin to pretend to care. I need to talk to Caroline, see if she can get me out of this. He's not the guy for me.

 

 

The man I saw during my panic attack hasn't gone away. He's intimidating to the point where I don't want to know anything about him, but he's not scaring me, so it's okay.

 

 

I'll be sure to look up Impulse.

[Horatio]

Oh Glowy... phew. I wish I could do something to help. Hopefully you will find the best guy to help you. Beal is not the right person. If you could explain to your mother that if you found the right person, you would not mind seeing that person.

[Arkcher]

The first shower cubicle had water on the floor still, and it would squelch beneath my shoes. At the time, however, I had myself convinced that the whole cubicle was smothered in blood. There were words written on the wall (I'm lucky that I can't remember them, because I know at the time they freaked me even more out) and the floor was still wet with the thick, red stuff. I left footprints when I walked out. And the weirdest part was that even though I couldn't see the blood, I had myself completely convinced without a shadow of a doubt that the whole cubicle was absolutely dripping with blood.

 

TL;DR: Read it or don't, but thar be no summaries here. >U

 

I'll be sure to look up Impulse.

:3 silent hill much?

 

That is pretty trippy. As for me, I dont know much about panic attacks, per se, other than stay away from what may have induced it... but as you said, nothing induced it.

so Yes. this Beal chap doesnt seem to be cut out for the job. so I second Horatio's advising.

[Glowurm]

:3 silent hill much?

 

That is pretty trippy. As for me, I dont know much about panic attacks, per se, other than stay away from what may have induced it... but as you said, nothing induced it.

so Yes. this Beal chap doesnt seem to be cut out for the job. so I second Horatio's advising.

i only got to see the movie. :c

-disappointedface-

 

It wasn't a panic attack, really. It looked like one from the inside, and I thought it was for a while, but upon giving it any actual thought it's not a panic attack. You don't exactly have weird visions during panic attacks. Nor do you normally have the ability to do much of anything besides freak out. I've seen enough of other people to know I was way too lucid for a panic attack.

It was closer to a brief but intense mania. Mania is what describes it the best. Hallucinations are possible in mania, anxious symptoms are common in mania, and generally you're perfectly lucid during mania... it's like psychosis only not at all like psychosis. Uh. I know what I'm talking about, even if I know nobody else will. x'D

 

Caroline says to give Beal a chance instead of this cop-out "NO I CAN'T CONNECT SO I SHAN'T TRY" stuff. That's not what she said, but that's the truth of it. I do still need to give him a proper chance. He scares me, but honestly, if I can get over the whole I'm-too-scared-to-tell-you-anything-so-I-won't-try thing, it might just work out.

I was wrong to think he didn't care about the almost panic attack. To the contrary, he actually mentioned it in a phone call to Caroline (what the heck happened to confidentiality? But I don't care, I was in the middle of telling her anyway). On reflection when I thought he was blowing me off, he was actually just trying to calm me down by being calm and relaxed himself.

See this is why I don't like anything I say. It always seems to be wrong somehow. Even when talking about myself!

 

Caroline thinks I might have something against men. Uh, wait, aren't I gay? (Note for anyone that thinks I'm being serious with that question: I'm not being serious with that question.) Either way, I can't deny that for some reason I've never been able to open up to a male - adult, child, or otherwise - as well as I can to a female. There's only been one boy so far that I can talk to. Figure I almost obsess over him so.

 

 

Side note:

The whole presence thing of that man from the stupid bathroom still hasn't gone away.

I've started noticing myself avoiding the school bathrooms too. x'D

Thank god for weekend.

[Horatio]

I do understand what you are talking about.

 

Perhaps Mr. Beal will do okay after all.

[Arkcher]

:3 silent hill much?

i only got to see the movie. :c

-disappointedface-

tangent time.

 

I dont know much about the movie, but from what I've read about the game series, its a town under the influence of a great concentration of... evil, or magic, or some surreal force that isnt very fun to be around, and whenever it happens to cycle over where the character is, random objects come to life and start attacking you while the walls begin burning/melting/flowing with blood, usually corroding parts of the world to expose hidden areas or at least give it a very creepy effect.

 

And then other nonsensical things happen solely for the purpose of creeping you out, and messing with the character psychologically; in SH2, by circumstance the main character ended up killing his own wife [for protection, or cause she was crazy, or on accident, i dont remember why] so whenever the Silent Hill area started tripping out, his wife shows up and is once again tangible and hes all happy cause shes there, until she gets impaled by whatever monster is around or burned by the melting scenery or theyre somehow seperated again. and that happens like very five minutes.

 

And some other symbolic things that mess with your head, so on so forth.

But thats what your bathroom-bleedings reminded me of, cause that sort of thing happens in that game series.

 

...

Bearing in mind that this is all from memory, after i just woke up, and have a powerful headache [:c] so its probably not as accurate as it might be.

 

but back on topic, Yeah you should. .... let us know.. how it goes D:

but... a few posts ago, werent we avoiding this Beal character at all costs? I guess im unclear as to what changed.

[lexxscrapham]

Well, Being half a world away, it's easy for me to to say stuff like this.. The man is something you have to come to terms with.. an empty shell.. what you might end up yourself should things go wrong.. hopefully this stream of conciousness style isn;t too hard for ya to follow.

anyways, there are ways to find your spirit animal. at the least, that will give you a point of reference in your greater search for happiness-of-self. of course. You might not be as influenced by it as your freind is. But it is a start at knowing yourself. and I know it certianly has helped me with my down moments. Just, Look around, Take a few weeks and look around you. Perhaps even ask your freind for advice. don't avoid the why, But don't spend too much time on it.

 

as for the rest. Clearly, you fear losing control of yourself.. or others unable to control themselves. Not entirely a bad thing.But perhaps something you probably should get control over.

 

- Most drugs are just imitations of things your body produces naturally-

 

just keep on keeping on.. Face piles of trials with smiles, it riles them to belive your percive the web they weave, and keep on thinking free.. all in all, it's all just bricks in the wall. caught in the landslide with no escape but reality.

[Glowurm]

Well, Being half a world away, it's easy for me to to say stuff like this.. The man is something you have to come to terms with.. an empty shell.. what you might end up yourself should things go wrong.. hopefully this stream of conciousness style isn;t too hard for ya to follow.

anyways, there are ways to find your spirit animal. at the least, that will give you a point of reference in your greater search for happiness-of-self. of course. You might not be as influenced by it as your freind is. But it is a start at knowing yourself. and I know it certianly has helped me with my down moments. Just, Look around, Take a few weeks and look around you. Perhaps even ask your freind for advice. don't avoid the why, But don't spend too much time on it.

 

as for the rest. Clearly, you fear losing control of yourself.. or others unable to control themselves. Not entirely a bad thing.But perhaps something you probably should get control over.

 

- Most drugs are just imitations of things your body produces naturally-

 

just keep on keeping on.. Face piles of trials with smiles, it riles them to belive your percive the web they weave, and keep on thinking free.. all in all, it's all just bricks in the wall. caught in the landslide with no escape but reality.

As soon as I was sane I pretty much flooded myself with different self-interpretations for what the man could mean, and those were a few, so yeah. I get that. I mean, I don't get what he really does mean, but I get those insofar as theories.

 

As for spirit animals... Well...

Maybe I'm just searching for something to have a spiritual link to, but I'm not exactly sure that if I get that something it will be an animal. >w> But whatever. I suppose I have hints of zoomorphism in me, in the ways I act and communicate around other people or around animals. It's not really a surprise. However, I'm not convinced on the whole therian thing...

I suppose in a way I could be considered as at a 'disadvantage', being raised almost completely shielded from spirituality. I was raised apart from god, apart from feeling, apart from even emotion. My parents could be even considered 'cold'. I was raised with wealth and knowledge as my gods, and everything else as second, apart from religion and things like that, of which I was only exposed to in schools. After I developed the whole logical question-absolutely-everything-to-the-base-essence-of-that-thing way of thinking. I suppose that's why I do so well in the way of philosophy. Spirituality, though, is completely alien to me, and the same goes for feeling. I find myself either detached from emotion, or feeling it too hard (not used to it?). Anyway. I'm completely digressing.

 

I wouldn't be surprised. Losing control of oneself isn't exactly ideal. ¬ — ¬

I can agree that others losing control of themselves also scares me. It's quite possibly why I'm so afraid of those things. When you can't control yourself. The way you forget things that happen five minutes ago when drinking (#### you salem, "the fun part" is bull####). The way you become dissociated – you know, the people that take a bullet and keep walking because they're literally too high to feel it. Extreme cases perhaps, but even the mild ones of the same effect scare me. The way you can't even see what's there versus what's not... though I admit psychedelics are the ones I'm the least afraid of, which is funny because those are the ones people I know see as the 'really ####ed-up ones' that only 'hardcore' people take. Not counting the horrid ones like meth, heroin, cocaine... those ones nobody even thinks about where I am. Not counting Kylie (the younger of my two elder sisters)'s ex-friends. Ex, because all of them are either dead or she doesn't keep in contact. She's matured since then, that's for sure. I digress again.

 

Most drugs are imitations of things your body produces natural amounts of naturally. As in, taking them means you get unnatural amounts of those natural things in your system, and the excess of those natural things causes unnatural reactions. Don't feed me excuses like that, even if trying to help. It only seems to make me worse.

 

Also Pink Floyd yay.

They're still one of my favourite bands. c:

[lexxscrapham]

Even Leary said that drugs were just a crutch.

 

 

and I thought of this poem.. No idea on who wrote it, but it's old enough to be a common meme.

Last week upon the stairs.

I met a man who wasn't there

He wasn't there again today

How I wish He'd go away

[Glowurm]

Even Leary said that drugs were just a crutch.

 

 

and I thought of this poem.. No idea on who wrote it, but it's old enough to be a common meme.

Last week upon the stairs.

I met a man who wasn't there

He wasn't there again today

How I wish He'd go away

He was an advocate of such.

You're not going to catch someone who supports drugs criticizing them.

You're not going to catch someone who criticizes drugs supporting them.

You can quote him seriously about as much as I can quote NIDA seriously (and I can't, those guys are ridiculous).

But that aside, primarily hallucinogenic drugs, especially psychedelics, are the only drugs I can say do not flat out scare me. Of course I'm uneasy about them, but I'm not scared of them. And that's probably the only kind that doesn't scare me.

 

 

 

 

 

All that aside.

Tomorrow, at 11:30 AM, I will be getting on a plane and flying direct to London.

askdfgl long flight

I then spend a day or two there, before going up to Edinburgh and Fife for the next week.

Then I go to Canada for the next five.

oh god this is going to be so awesome.

 

 

 

Salem is a miracle.

He's that boy I mentioned loving in the relationships topic. x'3

Anyway.

He comes out of nowhere, Mr. Zoanthrope Salem, and just throws out an idea he had.

Ffffffffffffffffar out.

I still don't know what to say.

I'd say he hit the nail on the head but it's one of those things that you feel 'IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE THAT SIMPLE' even when it quite possibly could.

either way.

amazing son of a caskdfgla.

I swear I love that boy less than I should.

But I pretty much love him more than anyone I've loved before

all other friends and relatives included

So. Uh.

Yeah I don't know what to say about him, really.

I sing songs for people I like, because I enjoy singing songs and I tend to express myself better through other people's music. Go figure.

But I've started writing music more, all because I haven't heard a song amazingly sappy and romantic enough to sing to him.

I make my own.

 

He also got me into clothes- and wig-making - neither of which he has anything to do with, but he does do so much costuming and so well that it's infected me in a slightly different way. =w=

And he's an artist. askdfgl he's really really really good, actually.

I should upload the picture he drew for me. x'3

along with the one he drew for himself

they're just sketchy heads but you know. x'D

 

 

Artwork © salem

Ciello © salem

Ebly © me

M © hammer

but all he could © was the deep blue ©

 

 

 

ffffff that boy draws the funniest things to music.

ono

anyway yes leaving tomorrow for six weeks

that was really the point of this. c:

byebye.

[Glowurm]

Also, I just remembered that I have attempted suicide in the past. Along with attempts to run away, and actual self-harm, and all those scary things people ask me about and I just say 'no' to. I've also actually been abused sexually. And by a babysitter, physically. And I've been diagnosed with depression in the past.

 

It's freaking weird. Like a bunch of memories that really were always there but never really occurred to me before are all flooding into my mind at once. But it's not like a revelation or anything, because as I said, they were always really there. It's just plain weird.

Almost as weird as the time Salem was talking about his mother attempting suicide five years ago and I suddenly remembered my mother attempting, like, five to ten times in the course of my life. Christ. x'D

[lexxscrapham]

Sounds like You've reached some step.. as the "experts" would say. Well, stinks that you found unhappiness. But, they say Hope was the last thing to escape Pandora's box.

 

I wish you well for the season,

 

and,

 

Perhaps even you and the Boy's future together, if you both should decide that at some point.

 

might try meditation, Doesn't have to be anything fancy, Just find a relatively quiet spot, and a bit of time, and choose to let yer mind go quiet for a bit.. Perhaps on your transatlantic flight.. I wouldn't get too much hope for an answer that way, but you might find more interesting questions.

[Horatio]

Even Leary said that drugs were just a crutch.

 

 

and I thought of this poem.. No idea on who wrote it, but it's old enough to be a common meme.

Last week upon the stairs.

I met a man who wasn't there

He wasn't there again today

How I wish He'd go away

He was an advocate of such.

You're not going to catch someone who supports drugs criticizing them.

You're not going to catch someone who criticizes drugs supporting them.

You can quote him seriously about as much as I can quote NIDA seriously (and I can't, those guys are ridiculous).

But that aside, primarily hallucinogenic drugs, especially psychedelics, are the only drugs I can say do not flat out scare me. Of course I'm uneasy about them, but I'm not scared of them. And that's probably the only kind that doesn't scare me.

 

 

 

 

 

All that aside.

Tomorrow, at 11:30 AM, I will be getting on a plane and flying direct to London.

askdfgl long flight

I then spend a day or two there, before going up to Edinburgh and Fife for the next week.

Then I go to Canada for the next five.

oh god this is going to be so awesome.

 

 

 

Salem is a miracle.

He's that boy I mentioned loving in the relationships topic. x'3

Anyway.

He comes out of nowhere, Mr. Zoanthrope Salem, and just throws out an idea he had.

Ffffffffffffffffar out.

I still don't know what to say.

I'd say he hit the nail on the head but it's one of those things that you feel 'IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE THAT SIMPLE' even when it quite possibly could.

either way.

amazing son of a caskdfgla.

I swear I love that boy less than I should.

But I pretty much love him more than anyone I've loved before

all other friends and relatives included

So. Uh.

Yeah I don't know what to say about him, really.

I sing songs for people I like, because I enjoy singing songs and I tend to express myself better through other people's music. Go figure.

But I've started writing music more, all because I haven't heard a song amazingly sappy and romantic enough to sing to him.

I make my own.

 

He also got me into clothes- and wig-making - neither of which he has anything to do with, but he does do so much costuming and so well that it's infected me in a slightly different way. =w=

And he's an artist. askdfgl he's really really really good, actually.

I should upload the picture he drew for me. x'3

along with the one he drew for himself

they're just sketchy heads but you know. x'D

 

 

Artwork © salem

Ciello © salem

Ebly © me

M © hammer

but all he could © was the deep blue ©

 

 

 

ffffff that boy draws the funniest things to music.

ono

anyway yes leaving tomorrow for six weeks

that was really the point of this. c:

byebye.

Salem is a terrific artist. Those are really good pictures. He sounds like a great person.

Hope things work out for you both.

[Horatio]

Also, I just remembered that I have attempted suicide in the past. Along with attempts to run away, and actual self-harm, and all those scary things people ask me about and I just say 'no' to. I've also actually been abused sexually. And by a babysitter, physically. And I've been diagnosed with depression in the past.

 

It's freaking weird. Like a bunch of memories that really were always there but never really occurred to me before are all flooding into my mind at once. But it's not like a revelation or anything, because as I said, they were always really there. It's just plain weird.

Almost as weird as the time Salem was talking about his mother attempting suicide five years ago and I suddenly remembered my mother attempting, like, five to ten times in the course of my life. Christ. x'D

You have a lot to carry around on your shoulders. Lexxscrapham has a great idea about meditation. As he says, it may not bring the answers you seek, but it often does open up other areas of thinking. That is quite a lot of burden for someone so young to have to deal with.

*gives Glowurm a hug*

 

Hope your holiday is a great one. Enjoy Canada! Hiro is up there and Arkcher would love to be there, so hope Canada gives you a chance to breathe a bit. The flight is long, so I can only hope that it doesn't tire you out too much.

[Glowurm]

I don't get enough sleep, geez.

ANd not getting enough sleep is verrrry bad for me.

Because then i entertain odd thoughts that i really shouldn't

like solipsism

and and

well i dunno what you'd call it, but the opposite of. xD

kind of that the rest of existence is not an extension of the self, but the self is instead an extension of existence, and the self changes depending on the reality around it. either way, the point is, though fun, they're both rather stupid.

all in all you can't say anything like that

only that all that is in front of you, is in front of you.

you can't even say that all that is not in front of you is not in front of you. how annoying is that.

I'unno, it annoys me.

 

don't think of this as a return (i'd love it to be, but it's not), but more-so as a pink-esque "I'm Not Dead" tour. except, really, limited to this topic or something. =w=

i'm still alive.

i got back from canada last week.

i haven't been to see Dr. Beal yet

but

...

nnnnnnnnf.

whatever, i can say anything here as long as i don't break any rules, so.

i've met ANOTHER person that i love completely and utterly forever, but the thing being that i still love Salem the same much. xD

Fffffar out. Is this going to turn into some stupid almost-polyamorous thing? I hope not. That's really not my thing. I appreciate my monogamy. U<

 

heh.

i admit it.

i love these people because...

well, salem is, for lack of better words, more screwed up than me. ;3

adam, on the other hand, is less.

salem and adam are both into some pretty interesting things...

but they are stark opposites in terms of style,

even if their hair is actually similar.

they both draw xD

neither sing. =3=

go figure, i'm the only singer. ;A;

they're both close to my age. Adam is a DAY less than one year older than me. xD

um.

 

i've gotten worse about drugs.

someone mentioned, i think it was, anti-anxiety medication. i flat out refused to let them and they ended up having a panic attack. someone tried to talk me into not hating weed again and we had a huge shouting fight that ended with us both crying. =w=

i like to think i cried more~

but that's not true.

he did.

i'm really harsh, apparently.

rgh.

it's almost frustrating

(but it's hard to be frustrated about something that scares you to even think about)

because it's probably an important part of what's stopping me from leading an overall normal life.

though i'd have no idea

i used to think i was living an ordinary life.

i probably am.

i'm just a ####ing kid with hormones and stuff like that.

bah.

 

when does it go from being a kid to being a problem? how can they diagnose depression and bi-polar in children and teenagers? it really isn't as obvious as they say! i had a friend, on bi-polar meds, that refused to take them for a few months.

months.

point is, i didn't notice the difference at all. more sensitive. that's it.

then he said a bunch of jazz about walking into freeways during peak hour (death by traffic jam?) and the way the light glints off knives

which is kind of funny, because i've heard that from more sane people than he.

so really, at what point does it go from ordinary emotion overload to not-so-ordinary emotional disorders? it doesn't make sense to me. and the excuses people use. they say things along the lines of "you'll change" or "just relax, you're being overly emotional" or "hormones" or "EAT YOUR #### I DON'T CARE U<" but the point is they're wrong, because the same people telling me i'll change are people who believe they're oh-so-obviously gay forever because they think their best friend is kind of cute topless. the same people who say i'm overly emotional are the same people who couldn't take "that bitch that said i was fat i wish she was dead oh my god". the same people who say it's hormones didn't know me as a kid. and, well, the people that try to force-feed me feces, well, who cares.

 

i've been like this, all in all, since i was a kid. and i just got worse and worse and better and worse and worse over time. it's not really changed. changed intensity, but not changed. that's why i'm actually kind of worried. it's not like this is a brief little upset. this is me getting sets of new clothing and items from a trip to much loved friends in scotland and a relaxing time in freezing canada, yet looking at a knife as if it's a good idea. i remember being a kid and doing the same thing. and when i say kid, i was what, seven? it's not something new to me.

but at first, it was just being an emotional little kid. it was normal. then i got older, and i became 'sensitive' and maybe slightly overemotional. now i'm a teenager and it's all the fault of 'hormones'. i don't see why the fault is constantly changing, but the feeling of hopelessness, of not even sadness but pure hopelessness continues. the knife still glints like a gemstone. a well-placed gunshot sounds as nice as an equally well-placed kick drum. i always used to have a -huge- bias to justice, thinking anything illegal was pretty much suicide; so it's no surprise i'm looking at such things more. basically, whee death. but i can't kill myself, and it's not bloody well for me. heaven knows if i felt i had the actual choice i WOULD be dead by now. something's stopping me. probably just a part inside of me, but the point remains. i can't, and i won't. and i'm thankful for whatever stops me. and everyone around who knows what i think is thankful for whatever stops me.

 

have i mentioned what my brother did to me when i was five?

i hope so, it's not something i want to repeat. reference i may be okay with, but not repeat.

anyway. my brother came over in the last week of when i was in canada

but

he wasn't really my brother. it wasn't the same funny-smelling skinhead that made me say things i didn't know the meaning of to his friends.

it was a nice guy who was good at guitar and liked a good drum beat even more than i do

it wasn't my brother.

 

i was still guarded like wow with him.

something i've noticed is that i cannot, CANNOT ever talk to adult males.

ever.

can't talk to them. can't relate to them. can't feel for or about them.

i'm a little scared of them.

i'm scared of patrick, perhaps.

i don't care

what i do care about is that, though it's not gotten in the way yet (excluding when i started going to Bealyboy), i'm definitely nervous around men. i've never talked to a man as an equal. i've always acted like they were big scary people that could kill me with a click of their fingers or a clap of their hands. i'm scared.

 

so much has happened, really.

a friend of mine, abused regularly by a family 'friend'.

within a month of her telling me, she told the police

because i constantly told her to

and apparently my advice is wonderful (wonder why the #### I can't take it)

and then the guy broke her ribs, shoulders, hip, legs, etc.

now she has permanent limp (she's an active person, but she can kiss goodbye to that), even WEAKER bones than she used to,

and she has to go through mounds and mounds and mounds and mounds and mounds of therapy

and there's a darn trial that started today

AND she's still going through physical therapy

and the stress has made her unable to eat properly

and she's developed insomnia.

all

because

she

followed

my

advice

and

told

the

police.

...like she should have. right? right? she's not being weak, like her mother says. she's not taking away a family friend, like her mother says. she's not the reason they have to move to a smaller house, like her mother says. she's not a slap-bag, like her mother seems to think she is (or at least uses her as).

bloody...

 

and school's started again

i'm doing year 12 psychology this year

definitely doing better this year

at least a B on the overall grade. that's my LOWEST expectation for what i should do. U< /whipsself

not to mention AMEB speech & drama lessons

singing lessons

kill-yourself-before-you're-legal lessons

i'unno

i'm going to destroy myself one of these days

not physically

but i just -know- i'm going to do something stupid like drop out

or get involved in drugs

or get my scholarship revoked

or flunk psychology

or hurt someone close to me

or hurt myself

or keep everything to myself

or keep nothing to myself

or i don't know. but i DO know i'll do SOMETHING and it WILL be stupid.

;o;

i hope i don't mess up too bad...

...no, that's not sure enough for me to even hope...

i wish i don't mess up too bad...

 

 

 

...maybe pink's i'm not dead tour would have been preferable to this.

i hope i haven't scared anyone.

i'm alive, and well, and i'm probably just depressed because i'm tired and god i hope so.

i love salem

i love adam

and it's their love for me that stops me from hating myself.

thank you, good night. ugh.

[Horatio]

We really appreciate you continuing and stopping back in.

 

I'm not sure where to start. First, you did the right thing by having your friend go to the police. Sadly, her mother is also to blame as she did not stand up for her daughter. It doesn't matter what size house you live in, if you have love from your parents and they protect you, that 'family friend' who have never been able to hurt her. The mother is weak. That guy is not a 'family friend' but a sexual predator and violent man who should spend the rest of his days behind bars. Your friend is brave, strong and I am in awe of her for having so much courage and doing the right thing. Men such as her abuser probably have done the same to other young girls and she is the first person who has the courage to do the right thing and sadly she paid a very hefty price. Hopefully she will get her bone strength back and return to being the athlete she was. In my eyes, this girl is a hero.

 

Adam sounds like he will be a positive force in your life. When you love someone, and the relationship ends, it is very hard to just stop loving them. If your relationship with Adam continues to grow, your love for Salem will not be so blaring. It will just be that you are focusing on Adam.

 

As for all the other things going on... it warms our hearts to know you think enough to stop in and keep up informed. We care about you and consider you a friend and want all the best for you. Your grades are great, keep it up. I'm sure you will. We have total faith in you.

 

Stop by again... please.

[Glowurm]

Okay, okay, okay.

Trial lasted two days.

The verdict came in today

Guilty.

Sentencing... soon.

Like tomorrow or something, I think.

Maybe it was thursday?

I don't remember.

She won't return to being the athlete she was. She has a permanent limp from a plate they have to put in, and there's already something wrong with her bones, some kind of degenerative thing, which means every now and then her knee messes up something AWFUL and she has to get it operated on and everything.

We both say she can be the next House if she gets bitter enough. =3=

Her doctor is letting her take, for lack of a better word, a 'hiatus' from her medication. xD

Her dad's back from the hospital.

She's getting better at eating again.

Basically, she's all-round in a brilliant place right now, despite her limp. She's really, really, really happy. Like, actually happy. Not just happy oh-this-is-a-pleasing-event happy. But HAPPY. Which is more, I think, than I can say for myself. So I admire her for that. She definitely is a hero.

...

which is why i'm really really really worried. i feel like something's going to go wrong any second now to bring her back down.

but i'm not going to tell her that!

 

her mom is a ####ing #####.

you don't need to tell -me- that.

i -know-.

 

xD

You're darn right I needed to focus!

Well, nah. Just think a bit more. I tend to post here when I'm upset and not thinking properly.

In all senses of the phrase, Salem has become my best friend. My best -friend-.

x3

Seriously though. I hope he finds a boyfriend or something soon because I feel guilty for some reason. xD But it's nothing.

Adam is amazing~.

Grrgh. I need to stop loving so easily. xD

There's what, one person (self excluded) i'd admit to actually hating nowadays?

And he left my school anyway, so I don't really hate him that much anymore.

Maybe my hate-senses are dying, as well as my love-senses improving. o_<

Hurhurhur.

Not a bad thing, exactly...

By the way, no relationship has ended. xD

I never said that. =3=

I still love salem, and he still loves me. It's best friend kind of love. We never even got into a relationship in the first place. I just have a slightly hard time differentiating between different kinds of love, that's all. xD I've worked it out. It's okay. I was fretting over nothing.

 

I don't forget about places as awesome as this. xD

I have to admit, I get a little pang of guilt every time I think of here and don't visit.

But the simple fact is, I get lots of pangs of guilt nowadays.

I'm not using the internet so much as I used to.

IM is pretty much the extent of it. ;o;

And not AIM, really. Which is really why I haven't talked to MK in ages. U:

Anyway.

I'm off again.

I might drop in later after the sentencing.

[Horatio]

How difficult your friend's life is. Hopefully nothing will bring her down from the happiness she is experiencing.

Her mother needs to have someone remove her head and then screw it on correctly. What an awful woman.

She is the reason for her daughter's problems and the bodily injury her daughter sustained. Sounds like the

mother is such an insecure woman, depending on an evil, brutal man. I am hoping that something unbelievably

phenomenal happens for your friend. She deserves all the best. If I was in her shoes, I would only hope that I

could be as strong and happy she is, considering all that happened. Let me know what the sentencing is. Hope

it is for a long, long time.

 

If you are open to love, no matter what kind, this is wonderful. If you can let go of hatred, you will find your

life improves. Sounds like this is what is happening for you. That's great!!!

 

We are always here for you.

[Glowurm]

He got:

25 years, possibility for parole.

He has to keep paying them for the house while in prison.

[Horatio]

He got:

25 years, possibility for parole.

He has to keep paying them for the house while in prison.

That is great news!!! Hope your friend feels better about her decision to take action.

She is definitely my hero!!!