i love this one.

xMyOwnMindx · December 17, 2006

i put on this face that says i dont care

but deep down i do and its not fair

i can walk through the halls in the shadow, in the light

dirty and bruised and bloody

and act like all i see is the inside of myself

but its not true

just even when i cared so much it never measured up

so i gave up

and id be such a liar to say

that when i hurt them i feel okay

cuz ive cried for their pain

and i am ashamed

things never came up the way i planned

and i felt that i never desevred things

good or bad

the way they came out

but i moved on knowing i had a fighting chance

ive betrayed them all with my choices

and im not going to stop

cuz sometimes they deserve those tears

as do i, when i get mine

i keep somthing things near

things i havnt given away

im more whole then her

and i know it

she does too

but its just cuz im shy

and i keep myself inside

but if i could break free

id be so reckless,

never living for tomorrow

always living for today

and ill never see last week

as somthing to care about anymore

ive given up on trying

so many times before

but i feel ive reached a place inside

ive never seen untill now

ill keep my head up high

even on the inside

and ill try to make things work

as i show you a little more

i used to lie to them

knowing it was all a game

but i think you'll give me answers

if you think im insane

ill tell you about sleepless nights

and panic attacks

and phyical fights

but you'll just tell me i make things wrong

and make bad choices

ill laugh at you

and tell them truths

of girls that know the reasons to

of the things to come and things to do

and not just the statistics

ill think today

ill starve tomorrow

life is such a game

pop pills last week

and drive the train

tomorrow ill fly away.

Horatio · December 18, 2006

This is your best work yet!!!

Lauren, this is phenomenally outstanding!!!

*thinks of a very special award for this poem*

xMyOwnMindx · December 18, 2006

really? i like it but i didnt think it was that good.

Horatio · December 18, 2006

As you could tell, I really liked it.

xMyOwnMindx · December 18, 2006

yeah.

i wish i could say more then thanks.

maybe ill add a slew of smilies?..

:wub: ^_^ :lol: :blink:

AND A KITTY.

maybe not a kitty.. it wot upload

Horatio · December 19, 2006

You are most welcome.

As for the smilies... they made my day!

Mushroom_king was having trouble uploading, so I have asked HampsterKing about the images not attaching.

One quick question, after you choose file, then click UPLOAD, did you know that you must go to the left side and drop down the Manage Current Attachments and then click on the green plus sign in order to get them into the post.

xMyOwnMindx · December 19, 2006

that didnt process...

k now it did. i would do that but it just says "uploading file" for like.. a year. lol

ill try it tomorrow i guess.?

Horatio · December 19, 2006

I will have HampsterKing check the file size again.

xMyOwnMindx · December 19, 2006

kayyy

Horatio · December 19, 2006

Please try it again. HampsterKing was working on the boards today.

xMyOwnMindx · December 20, 2006

nope.

didnt work lol

Horatio · December 20, 2006

I will let him know. Thank you for telling me.

xMyOwnMindx · December 20, 2006

np.

^_^ _^_ ^_^ __ ^_^ _^_ ^_^ _^_

school stinks :[

Horatio · December 20, 2006

Yup.

xMyOwnMindx · December 21, 2006

ughhh.

so depressed.

everyone thhink im bulimic cuz i got sick (and ate too much) yesterday and threw up alot

and cuz ive been covering mona's bulimic butt

she pukes like 3 times everytime i hang out with her.

she leaves puke piles everywhere.

sometimes i gag when i see/hear her.

anyway, pretty bummed out.

and its sad cuz if i was skinnier id see the concern but i really do have an average body. (i LOOK really bad though. idk i cant stand it. i think half the girls in my school make me wanna throw up just by their big saggy stomachs all over the place.

i know i should loose some weight to be healthy.

ugh wutever

so today was a pretty good day.

after school i went with mona and her dad to get her mint chocolate phone.

its pretty sweet. shes lucky.

then we walked from her house to a spot near brookside and smoked again.

gets me mad messed up. i love it.

anyway, then we went to DnD and got bagles and shared a muffin.

they were mad good. then we went to khols

and looked for clothes.

i found mad cute stuff.

we tried stuff on and i stole this pink love shirt/hoodie thing thats pink and cut off so the shoulders show and its got ppart of a white tank top under it (pics later)

and a black sweater thing.

i couldnt get any rings and was BEYOND paranoid.

i was so bad everything i saw and heard i thought was cuz they all knew we were high and stealing. but they werent.

and he dad came and i got styuff.

i never get clothes.

that was such a rush.

i really liked it.

but im gonna keep that to a minimum cuz ive been busted before..

anyway, so i had a pretty good (and crazy and upsetting) day.

mona told me yesterday that she talked to matt but i was too high to really aknowledge it at the time

he said he likes some girl he has no chance with and he'll get over her.

theres no me in that sentence.

i dont mind i guess.

we can be chill friends.

andrew in video and film turned to me and was like "what you do feel about hooking up? think its fun? weird? gross?"

and i was like "well i deff dont get enough *****"

and he was like shocked. hahaha.

of course hooking up is fun

im a free spirited kind of person

im all about just doing wutever

as long as its fun.

anyway,

let me explain this before i start talking..

keith ion of my best friends

keith is also lindsey's boyfriend

lindsey is my BEST friend.

me and lizz told lindsey we were getting some stuff.

lizz had done it a few times

and i had once.

lindsey tried it

and used to be a heavy smoker.

lindsey told keith. keith hates me

hates when lizz smokes

hates when im with lizz

and i cried one day to lindsey.. i was like "you dont feel that way now to do you?"

she was like NOOO and like all huggy supportive.

idk cuz loosing lindsey would be such a shot to the head.

ive know lindsey since i was two years old.

i have no memory of that but i basically just completely grew up with her.. like a sister.

im mad scared shes starting to hate me.

my bro is like "i pissed on your hoodie cuz your such a blumic wh***"

i cried.

my parents are concerned about the money and the being messed up.

everything is metiphorically blurry.

it kinda stinks. im pretty bummed.

but thats my life right now.

i feel alot of weight on me.

i coeverd like everyone in all that.

erveryone but megan and lucy and stuff.

who are all kinda concerned

and i dont understand

they all smoke(d)

keith did

lindsey did alot

megan did

my dad did

probably my mom, cuz she smoked ciggs for a while (in like the 70's and 80's) and im sure thats not all she smoked

lucy did

my brother did.

everyone does.

my brother smokes ALOTTTT.

hes insane about it.

im sick of everyone being so messed up about it.

ugh.

yey free clothes.

i realized im like the ultimate horrible person::

i drink

i smoke

i do drugs

i steal

i lie

i cheat

i skip school

i lie to 'important' people

but at the same time:

i try to be nice to my rents

i care about the world

and other people and i wanna change things

me and matt and brian and jon and mona and everyone

we want peace

and were all just peaceful kids together

but idk.

i have so much fun being "bad" and doing "wrong" things

im such a depressed person and i feel so good when i do everything i want.

i dont even lie that often about wut im doing. or where i am

i called my mom from DnD today and i was like:

just checkin in, were at dunkin donuts, we got mona's phone with her dad

and my mom was like are you wish him now. and im like no, and shes like oh, did you walk there (its across a highway thing) and i was like yea. and shes like can you get a ride home by 7:30 and i just said i coukld

then we walked to khols

and mona's dad picked us up at like 7:15.

it was perfect

cuz when you tell the truth theres no stories to remember.

the truth will set you free<3

brian H always said THATS WHY YOU DONT LIE TO YOUR PARENTS. and he's right.

^_^

xMyOwnMindx · December 21, 2006

thank you. i needed that out.

thats like my whole life and every problem in it.

idk wut to do.

everything seems to simple till you move closer..

i love this one.

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