Chuck Norris Jokes

[Mushroom_king]

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Final Cut*~*

 

Chuck Norris Doesn't wear a watch-hedecides what time it is.

 

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

 

Chcuck Norris's Cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

 

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

 

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

 

Everybody Loves Raymond...Except Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris can speak in braille.

 

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

 

Chuck Norris sleeps with a flashlight. Not because Chuck Norris is afaid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Chuck norris.

 

Chuck Norris is more than a noun-it's a verb.

 

Chuck Norris jumps in a lake. Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris is more than a noun and verb...it's also an Adjetive.

 

Superman wears Chuck Norris PJs.

 

Oh, and Chuck Norris can divide by Zero.

 

When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink. Chuck Norris doesn't read books.He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. He bites frost.

 

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

 

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

 

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

 

Chuck Norris did, in fact, build Rome in a day.

 

Chuck Norris can play Blackjack with only one card.

 

Chuck norris orders a Big Mac from Burger King and gets one.

 

Guns don't kill people....Chuck Norris kills people.

 

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*the Astronomy Domine*~*

[Cheesus]

Chuck norris visted the virgin islands. Now they are just the islands.

 

Chuck norris lost his (thing you lose when, you know. might not be able to put it here) before his dad did.

 

x3

[Mushroom_king]

Chuck norris visted the virgin islands. Now they are just the islands.

 

Chuck norris lost his (thing you lose when, you know. might not be able to put it here) before his dad did.

 

x3

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Final Cut*~*

 

Chuck Norris eats with only one chopstick.

 

chuck norris gets thrown in a Meat grinder. Chuck Norris doesn't get grinded, The Meat Grinder gets chuck norris.

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

[Cheesus]

Chuck norris visted the virgin islands. Now they are just the islands.

 

Chuck norris lost his (thing you lose when, you know. might not be able to put it here) before his dad did.

 

x3

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Final Cut*~*

 

Chuck Norris eats with only one chopstick.

 

chuck norris gets thrown in a Meat grinder. Chuck Norris doesn't get grinded, The Meat Grinder gets chuck norris.

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

didn't you already say the second one?

 

all roads lead to chuck norris.

[Glowurm]

Chuck norris can clap with one hand.

[Mushroom_king]

Chuck norris visted the virgin islands. Now they are just the islands.

 

Chuck norris lost his (thing you lose when, you know. might not be able to put it here) before his dad did.

 

x3

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Final Cut*~*

 

Chuck Norris eats with only one chopstick.

 

chuck norris gets thrown in a Meat grinder. Chuck Norris doesn't get grinded, The Meat Grinder gets chuck norris.

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

didn't you already say the second one?

 

all roads lead to chuck norris.

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Final Cut*~*'

 

I don't remember.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't need a weapon. He is one.

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

[Cheesus]

Chuck norris worships himself, but it is okay because he is god.

[Mushroom_king]

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*teh Final Cut*~*

 

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't need a weapon. He is one.

 

Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club.

 

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

 

Chuck Norris can hold his breath for nine years.

 

Chuck Norris can judge books by their cover.

 

Chuck Norris can skelitize a cow in nine minutes.

 

Chuck Norris can make onions cry.

 

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

 

Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

 

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

 

Chuck Norris can split the atom with his bare hands.

 

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

 

Chuck Norris can't love, he can only not kill.

 

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

 

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

[Mushroom_king]

Chuck Norris likes you. He'll kill you last.

[Mushroom_king]

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches.

 

The Cheif export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 

Chuck Norris Drinks Naplam to kill HeartBurn.

 

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

 

Chuck Norris has three knees on each leg.

 

Chuck Norris can eat using one chopstick.

 

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

 

Love doesn't hurt, but Chuck Norris does.

 

Chuck Norris's sweat burns holes in concrete.

 

Chuck Norris sleeps with pillows under his gun.

 

*~*The Psyhchedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

[Cheesus]

where do you get all these? xD

[Mushroom_king]

where do you get all these? xD

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Final Cut*~*

 

I have my sources

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

[Arkcher]

Chuck Norris (and his cowboy hat) can be kicked. But only the right combination of people can make this happen.

 

This supra-secret combination is:

Gandalf The Grey, Gandalf the white, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, Benito Musseleni, The Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis and Jambi The Genie, The Robocop, The Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Super Man, every single power ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Oc and Hulk Hogan. and Val Hawyn.

 

Val is kind of key to that mess. 'cause he's awesome.

[Cheesus]

Chuck Norris (and his cowboy hat) can be kicked. But only the right combination of people can make this happen.

 

This supra-secret combination is:

Gandalf The Grey, Gandalf the white, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, Benito Musseleni, The Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis and Jambi The Genie, The Robocop, The Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Super Man, every single power ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Oc and Hulk Hogan. and Val Hawyn.

 

Val is kind of key to that mess. 'cause he's awesome.

And they have to come outta nowhere, lightning fast.

[Topazia]

Chuck Norris (and his cowboy hat) can be kicked. But only the right combination of people can make this happen.

 

This supra-secret combination is:

Gandalf The Grey, Gandalf the white, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, Benito Musseleni, The Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis and Jambi The Genie, The Robocop, The Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Super Man, every single power ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Oc and Hulk Hogan. and Val Hawyn.

 

Val is kind of key to that mess. 'cause he's awesome.

And they have to come outta nowhere, lightning fast.

...

...

...

 

...Chuck Norris kicked the can. He didn't die... Death ChuckNorrised.

[Cheesus]

Chuck Norris (and his cowboy hat) can be kicked. But only the right combination of people can make this happen.

 

This supra-secret combination is:

Gandalf The Grey, Gandalf the white, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, Benito Musseleni, The Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis and Jambi The Genie, The Robocop, The Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Super Man, every single power ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Oc and Hulk Hogan. and Val Hawyn.

 

Val is kind of key to that mess. 'cause he's awesome.

And they have to come outta nowhere, lightning fast.

...

...

...

 

...Chuck Norris kicked the can. He didn't die... Death ChuckNorrised.

xD

[Arkcher]

Chuck Norris (and his cowboy hat) can be kicked. But only the right combination of people can make this happen.

 

This supra-secret combination is:

Gandalf The Grey, Gandalf the white, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, Benito Musseleni, The Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis and Jambi The Genie, The Robocop, The Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Super Man, every single power ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Oc and Hulk Hogan. and Val Hawyn.

 

Val is kind of key to that mess. 'cause he's awesome.

And they have to come outta nowhere, lightning fast.

Oh yeah, that too. Its also important. 'cuz stealth and/or speed can aid one in Death/ChuckNorrising someone.

[Mushroom_king]

Chuck Norris has an evil twin named Nuck Chorris. =O

[Cheesus]

Chuck Norris has an evil twin named Nuck Chorris. =O

no, because a twin would be just as awsome as chuck norris. which is impossible.

[Glowurm]

Chuck Norris has an evil twin named Nuck Chorris. =O

no, because a twin would be just as awsome as chuck norris. which is impossible.

...Half-brother.

[Arkcher]

Chuck Norris has an evil twin named Nuck Chorris. =O

no, because a twin would be just as awsome as chuck norris. which is impossible.

Disagree. >(

 

It is theorized that nobody can be as awesome as Chuck Norris. But if there were two chuck norris', then neither of them would blow up. Because they would be identical in nigh every way. And regardless of if one or both of them existed, they wouldnt have any such interaction. ... of blowing up.

 

Im done. ;

[Horatio]

Chuck Norris has an evil twin named Nuck Chorris. =O

no, because a twin would be just as awsome as chuck norris. which is impossible.

Disagree. >(

 

It is theorized that nobody can be as awesome as Chuck Norris. But if there were two chuck norris', then neither of them would blow up. Because they would be identical in nigh every way. And regardless of if one or both of them existed, they wouldnt have any such interaction. ... of blowing up.

 

Im done. <_>

Perhaps you ought to consider cloning him. You could make lots of money. LOL

[Cheesus]

Chuck Norris has an evil twin named Nuck Chorris. =O

no, because a twin would be just as awsome as chuck norris. which is impossible.

Disagree. >(

 

It is theorized that nobody can be as awesome as Chuck Norris. But if there were two chuck norris', then neither of them would blow up. Because they would be identical in nigh every way. And regardless of if one or both of them existed, they wouldnt have any such interaction. ... of blowing up.

 

Im done. ;

you see, if he were equal, he would be just as awsome. So a super-massive black hole would appear and suck up the universe. in 5 seconds.

[Horatio]

Chuck Norris has an evil twin named Nuck Chorris. =O

no, because a twin would be just as awsome as chuck norris. which is impossible.

Disagree. >(

 

It is theorized that nobody can be as awesome as Chuck Norris. But if there were two chuck norris', then neither of them would blow up. Because they would be identical in nigh every way. And regardless of if one or both of them existed, they wouldnt have any such interaction. ... of blowing up.

 

Im done. <_>

you see, if he were equal, he would be just as awsome. So a super-massive black hole would appear and suck up the universe. in 5 seconds.

The super-massive black hole of the Andromeda Galaxy is going to swallow up our little galaxy in about one million years! So, if Chuck's brother can do it now, I say let's see it!!! LOL

[Cheesus]

Chuck Norris has an evil twin named Nuck Chorris. =O

no, because a twin would be just as awsome as chuck norris. which is impossible.

Disagree. >(

 

It is theorized that nobody can be as awesome as Chuck Norris. But if there were two chuck norris', then neither of them would blow up. Because they would be identical in nigh every way. And regardless of if one or both of them existed, they wouldnt have any such interaction. ... of blowing up.

 

Im done. ;

you see, if he were equal, he would be just as awsome. So a super-massive black hole would appear and suck up the universe. in 5 seconds.

The super-massive black hole of the Andromeda Galaxy is going to swallow up our little galaxy in about one million years! So, if Chuck's brother can do it now, I say let's see it!!! LOL

 

You see, there is no nuck chorris.

 

But, black holes are fun!

[Horatio]

But, black holes are fun!

I most certainly agree!!!

[Mushroom_king]

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.

[Horatio]

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.

He doesn't step on anything anymore, while you were away we ran him through your Meat Grinder and made Chucky Sausage.

[Glowurm]

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.

He doesn't step on anything anymore, while you were away we ran him through your Meat Grinder and made Chucky Sausage.

Bah. *un-grinds him*

[Horatio]

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.

He doesn't step on anything anymore, while you were away we ran him through your Meat Grinder and made Chucky Sausage.

Bah. *un-grinds him*

*Glowurm finds that he only has a few parts of Chuck. The Chucky Sausage has been sold on numerous corner hot dog stands and 90 percent of him is gone*

[Glowurm]

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.

He doesn't step on anything anymore, while you were away we ran him through your Meat Grinder and made Chucky Sausage.

Bah. *un-grinds him*

*Glowurm finds that he only has a few parts of Chuck. The Chucky Sausage has been sold on numerous corner hot dog stands and 90 percent of him is gone*

Hmm. We;ll have lots of vomiting people soon.

 

Might as well ungrind the whole sewer.

[Horatio]

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.

He doesn't step on anything anymore, while you were away we ran him through your Meat Grinder and made Chucky Sausage.

Bah. *un-grinds him*

*Glowurm finds that he only has a few parts of Chuck. The Chucky Sausage has been sold on numerous corner hot dog stands and 90 percent of him is gone*

Hmm. We;ll have lots of vomiting people soon.

 

Might as well ungrind the whole sewer.

Too late. They didn't know and thought the Chucky Sausage was delicious.

[Glowurm]

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.

He doesn't step on anything anymore, while you were away we ran him through your Meat Grinder and made Chucky Sausage.

Bah. *un-grinds him*

*Glowurm finds that he only has a few parts of Chuck. The Chucky Sausage has been sold on numerous corner hot dog stands and 90 percent of him is gone*

Hmm. We;ll have lots of vomiting people soon.

 

Might as well ungrind the whole sewer.

Too late. They didn't know and thought the Chucky Sausage was delicious.

They didn't know that something that even has chuck in the name doesn't make you do that? Well, they'll know soon enough.

[Horatio]

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.

He doesn't step on anything anymore, while you were away we ran him through your Meat Grinder and made Chucky Sausage.

Bah. *un-grinds him*

*Glowurm finds that he only has a few parts of Chuck. The Chucky Sausage has been sold on numerous corner hot dog stands and 90 percent of him is gone*

Hmm. We;ll have lots of vomiting people soon.

 

Might as well ungrind the whole sewer.

Too late. They didn't know and thought the Chucky Sausage was delicious.

They didn't know that something that even has chuck in the name doesn't make you do that? Well, they'll know soon enough.

Actually everyone who ate one of the sausages started feeling like a Texas Ranger.

Why do you think the crime in New York City has decreased so much! LOL

[Glowurm]

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.

He doesn't step on anything anymore, while you were away we ran him through your Meat Grinder and made Chucky Sausage.

Bah. *un-grinds him*

*Glowurm finds that he only has a few parts of Chuck. The Chucky Sausage has been sold on numerous corner hot dog stands and 90 percent of him is gone*

Hmm. We;ll have lots of vomiting people soon.

 

Might as well ungrind the whole sewer.

Too late. They didn't know and thought the Chucky Sausage was delicious.

They didn't know that something that even has chuck in the name doesn't make you do that? Well, they'll know soon enough.

Actually everyone who ate one of the sausages started feeling like a Texas Ranger.

Why do you think the crime in New York City has decreased so much! LOL

NYC? Crime? Go DOWN!?!?

 

I'm sorry, I just can't believe that.

[Horatio]

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.

He doesn't step on anything anymore, while you were away we ran him through your Meat Grinder and made Chucky Sausage.

Bah. *un-grinds him*

*Glowurm finds that he only has a few parts of Chuck. The Chucky Sausage has been sold on numerous corner hot dog stands and 90 percent of him is gone*

Hmm. We;ll have lots of vomiting people soon.

 

Might as well ungrind the whole sewer.

Too late. They didn't know and thought the Chucky Sausage was delicious.

They didn't know that something that even has chuck in the name doesn't make you do that? Well, they'll know soon enough.

Actually everyone who ate one of the sausages started feeling like a Texas Ranger.

Why do you think the crime in New York City has decreased so much! LOL

NYC? Crime? Go DOWN!?!?

 

I'm sorry, I just can't believe that.

Seriously, the crime in New York City is way down. It is cities like Flint and Detroit, Michigan and others that rank high on the list.

[Mushroom_king]

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.

He doesn't step on anything anymore, while you were away we ran him through your Meat Grinder and made Chucky Sausage.

Bah. *un-grinds him*

*Glowurm finds that he only has a few parts of Chuck. The Chucky Sausage has been sold on numerous corner hot dog stands and 90 percent of him is gone*

Hmm. We;ll have lots of vomiting people soon.

 

Might as well ungrind the whole sewer.

Too late. They didn't know and thought the Chucky Sausage was delicious.

They didn't know that something that even has chuck in the name doesn't make you do that? Well, they'll know soon enough.

Actually everyone who ate one of the sausages started feeling like a Texas Ranger.

Why do you think the crime in New York City has decreased so much! LOL

NYC? Crime? Go DOWN!?!?

 

I'm sorry, I just can't believe that.

Seriously, the crime in New York City is way down. It is cities like Flint and Detroit, Michigan and others that rank high on the list.

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Final Cut*~*

 

Crime only happens once in a Dark Side OF The Moon where I live, and when it does happen, it's usally outside city limits. Not very many robberies, murders, or arson*.

 

*The burning of buildings

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

[Cheesus]

That is CRAZY! Crime in NYC is ultra-high, I thought.

[Horatio]

That is CRAZY! Crime in NYC is ultra-high, I thought.

*exhales loudly and with an attitude*

Must I inform you of EVERYTHING?

 

 

St. Louis, Missouri, I believe is number one for crime and Flint and Detroit, Michigan are in close second. I will have to look this up as I cannot remember the rest of the data.

[Arkcher]

That is CRAZY! Crime in NYC is ultra-high, I thought.

*exhales loudly and with an attitude*

Must I inform you of EVERYTHING?

 

 

St. Louis, Missouri, I believe is number one for crime and Flint and Detroit, Michigan are in close second. I will have to look this up as I cannot remember the rest of the data.

Crime rates are highly rising here where I am...

 

like, in one week, there have been two attempted robberies of people's houses. Both instances ended up in the one or more criminals being shot, either to death or serious injury, being attacked by the house owner.

 

And two or three others.

 

sssooo We were considering buying a gun or two for our own protection.

but I pointed out that I already have a hunting bow that could easily drop one or two people.

[Horatio]

That is CRAZY! Crime in NYC is ultra-high, I thought.

*exhales loudly and with an attitude*

Must I inform you of EVERYTHING?

 

 

St. Louis, Missouri, I believe is number one for crime and Flint and Detroit, Michigan are in close second. I will have to look this up as I cannot remember the rest of the data.

Crime rates are highly rising here where I am...

 

like, in one week, there have been two attempted robberies of people's houses. Both instances ended up in the one or more criminals being shot, either to death or serious injury, being attacked by the house owner.

 

And two or three others.

 

sssooo We were considering buying a gun or two for our own protection.

but I pointed out that I already have a hunting bow that could easily drop one or two people.

Texas justice! If I was a criminal, I don't think I would try robbing houses in your town unless I had a death wish. LOL

 

As for the gun... I am definitely NOT a gun-toting hamster. :ninja:

[Cheesus]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

[Horatio]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

Here is one reason I don't like weapons...

[Cheesus]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

Here is one reason I don't like weapons...

I don't hunt, i just do target practice. With rifle, shotgun, and bows. xD

[Mushroom_king]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

Here is one reason I don't like weapons...

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Final Cut*~*

 

Noooooo!

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*the astronomy Domine*~*

[Arkcher]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

Here is one reason I don't like weapons...

yeah, but If used right, they can be.... .... used right.

 

XD

 

to not shoot birds.

'cause traditionally, Birds dont attack people.

[Arkcher]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

[Horatio]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

[Arkcher]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

[Horatio]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

[Arkcher]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

Yeah, but if a squirrel attacks you, you just kick it away or something and just leave it alone. Killing it wouldnt be necessary.

If it was like... a... big.. scary... mountain lion. or something. (yeah, you'll find a lot of those in Florida. XD) then I'd probably shoot it if it got some ideas.

[Horatio]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

Yeah, but if a squirrel attacks you, you just kick it away or something and just leave it alone. Killing it wouldnt be necessary.

If it was like... a... big.. scary... mountain lion. or something. (yeah, you'll find a lot of those in Florida. XD) then I'd probably shoot it if it got some ideas.

If a squirrel attacked me... I would hand over all my peanuts and sunflower seeds. That's what they would be after.

 

We do have and or something, it is a Florida panther, but I do believe these are protected. So, you might as well stay out of their habitat.

[Cheesus]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

Yeah, but if a squirrel attacks you, you just kick it away or something and just leave it alone. Killing it wouldnt be necessary.

If it was like... a... big.. scary... mountain lion. or something. (yeah, you'll find a lot of those in Florida. XD) then I'd probably shoot it if it got some ideas.

If a squirrel attacked me... I would hand over all my peanuts and sunflower seeds. That's what they would be after.

 

We do have and or something, it is a Florida panther, but I do believe these are protected. So, you might as well stay out of their habitat.

O.o

 

Oh, and arkcher, my bow is pretty awsome. xD Compound, and my dad and I figure it to have a 70 pound pull. Two different sights for closer and farther targets (you look through a ring in the string at the sight for much better accuracy), vibration dampener, 9 arrows (one of which is a carbon fiber arrow. Those things are awsome, i hope to get 6 more for christmas. xD), and i got it (all) for $37 at a yard sale. I really like it.

[Horatio]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

Yeah, but if a squirrel attacks you, you just kick it away or something and just leave it alone. Killing it wouldnt be necessary.

If it was like... a... big.. scary... mountain lion. or something. (yeah, you'll find a lot of those in Florida. XD) then I'd probably shoot it if it got some ideas.

If a squirrel attacked me... I would hand over all my peanuts and sunflower seeds. That's what they would be after.

 

We do have and or something, it is a Florida panther, but I do believe these are protected. So, you might as well stay out of their habitat.

O.o

 

Oh, and arkcher, my bow is pretty awsome. xD Compound, and my dad and I figure it to have a 70 pound pull. Two different sights for closer and farther targets (you look through a ring in the string at the sight for much better accuracy), vibration dampener, 9 arrows (one of which is a carbon fiber arrow. Those things are awsome, i hope to get 6 more for christmas. xD), and i got it (all) for $37 at a yard sale. I really like it.

Would you be picking on me?

[Cheesus]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

Yeah, but if a squirrel attacks you, you just kick it away or something and just leave it alone. Killing it wouldnt be necessary.

If it was like... a... big.. scary... mountain lion. or something. (yeah, you'll find a lot of those in Florida. XD) then I'd probably shoot it if it got some ideas.

If a squirrel attacked me... I would hand over all my peanuts and sunflower seeds. That's what they would be after.

 

We do have and or something, it is a Florida panther, but I do believe these are protected. So, you might as well stay out of their habitat.

O.o

 

Oh, and arkcher, my bow is pretty awsome. xD Compound, and my dad and I figure it to have a 70 pound pull. Two different sights for closer and farther targets (you look through a ring in the string at the sight for much better accuracy), vibration dampener, 9 arrows (one of which is a carbon fiber arrow. Those things are awsome, i hope to get 6 more for christmas. xD), and i got it (all) for $37 at a yard sale. I really like it.

Would you be picking on me?

No, of course not.

[Horatio]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

Yeah, but if a squirrel attacks you, you just kick it away or something and just leave it alone. Killing it wouldnt be necessary.

If it was like... a... big.. scary... mountain lion. or something. (yeah, you'll find a lot of those in Florida. XD) then I'd probably shoot it if it got some ideas.

If a squirrel attacked me... I would hand over all my peanuts and sunflower seeds. That's what they would be after.

 

We do have and or something, it is a Florida panther, but I do believe these are protected. So, you might as well stay out of their habitat.

O.o

 

Oh, and arkcher, my bow is pretty awsome. xD Compound, and my dad and I figure it to have a 70 pound pull. Two different sights for closer and farther targets (you look through a ring in the string at the sight for much better accuracy), vibration dampener, 9 arrows (one of which is a carbon fiber arrow. Those things are awsome, i hope to get 6 more for christmas. xD), and i got it (all) for $37 at a yard sale. I really like it.

Would you be picking on me?

No, of course not.

Oh good. I thought you were pretty smart. LOL

[Cheesus]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

Yeah, but if a squirrel attacks you, you just kick it away or something and just leave it alone. Killing it wouldnt be necessary.

If it was like... a... big.. scary... mountain lion. or something. (yeah, you'll find a lot of those in Florida. XD) then I'd probably shoot it if it got some ideas.

If a squirrel attacked me... I would hand over all my peanuts and sunflower seeds. That's what they would be after.

 

We do have and or something, it is a Florida panther, but I do believe these are protected. So, you might as well stay out of their habitat.

O.o

 

Oh, and arkcher, my bow is pretty awsome. xD Compound, and my dad and I figure it to have a 70 pound pull. Two different sights for closer and farther targets (you look through a ring in the string at the sight for much better accuracy), vibration dampener, 9 arrows (one of which is a carbon fiber arrow. Those things are awsome, i hope to get 6 more for christmas. xD), and i got it (all) for $37 at a yard sale. I really like it.

Would you be picking on me?

No, of course not.

Oh good. I thought you were pretty smart. LOL

I think the same way. xD I also thought you were pretty oblivious when it comes to sarcasm. xD

[Horatio]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

Yeah, but if a squirrel attacks you, you just kick it away or something and just leave it alone. Killing it wouldnt be necessary.

If it was like... a... big.. scary... mountain lion. or something. (yeah, you'll find a lot of those in Florida. XD) then I'd probably shoot it if it got some ideas.

If a squirrel attacked me... I would hand over all my peanuts and sunflower seeds. That's what they would be after.

 

We do have and or something, it is a Florida panther, but I do believe these are protected. So, you might as well stay out of their habitat.

O.o

 

Oh, and arkcher, my bow is pretty awsome. xD Compound, and my dad and I figure it to have a 70 pound pull. Two different sights for closer and farther targets (you look through a ring in the string at the sight for much better accuracy), vibration dampener, 9 arrows (one of which is a carbon fiber arrow. Those things are awsome, i hope to get 6 more for christmas. xD), and i got it (all) for $37 at a yard sale. I really like it.

Would you be picking on me?

No, of course not.

Oh good. I thought you were pretty smart. LOL

I think the same way. xD I also thought you were pretty oblivious when it comes to sarcasm. xD

Moi? Oblivious to sarcasm?

[Cheesus]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

Yeah, but if a squirrel attacks you, you just kick it away or something and just leave it alone. Killing it wouldnt be necessary.

If it was like... a... big.. scary... mountain lion. or something. (yeah, you'll find a lot of those in Florida. XD) then I'd probably shoot it if it got some ideas.

If a squirrel attacked me... I would hand over all my peanuts and sunflower seeds. That's what they would be after.

 

We do have and or something, it is a Florida panther, but I do believe these are protected. So, you might as well stay out of their habitat.

O.o

 

Oh, and arkcher, my bow is pretty awsome. xD Compound, and my dad and I figure it to have a 70 pound pull. Two different sights for closer and farther targets (you look through a ring in the string at the sight for much better accuracy), vibration dampener, 9 arrows (one of which is a carbon fiber arrow. Those things are awsome, i hope to get 6 more for christmas. xD), and i got it (all) for $37 at a yard sale. I really like it.

Would you be picking on me?

No, of course not.

Oh good. I thought you were pretty smart. LOL

I think the same way. xD I also thought you were pretty oblivious when it comes to sarcasm. xD

Moi? Oblivious to sarcasm?

Not at all.

[Mushroom_king]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

Yeah, but if a squirrel attacks you, you just kick it away or something and just leave it alone. Killing it wouldnt be necessary.

If it was like... a... big.. scary... mountain lion. or something. (yeah, you'll find a lot of those in Florida. XD) then I'd probably shoot it if it got some ideas.

If a squirrel attacked me... I would hand over all my peanuts and sunflower seeds. That's what they would be after.

 

We do have and or something, it is a Florida panther, but I do believe these are protected. So, you might as well stay out of their habitat.

O.o

 

Oh, and arkcher, my bow is pretty awsome. xD Compound, and my dad and I figure it to have a 70 pound pull. Two different sights for closer and farther targets (you look through a ring in the string at the sight for much better accuracy), vibration dampener, 9 arrows (one of which is a carbon fiber arrow. Those things are awsome, i hope to get 6 more for christmas. xD), and i got it (all) for $37 at a yard sale. I really like it.

Would you be picking on me?

No, of course not.

Oh good. I thought you were pretty smart. LOL

I think the same way. xD I also thought you were pretty oblivious when it comes to sarcasm. xD

Moi? Oblivious to sarcasm?

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Final Cut*~*

 

I should make a counter of Horatio's Captain obvious moments...

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

[Horatio]

I got a hunting bow. xD It is in my room. However, i only got two hunting arrowheads.

I've got four pretty nasty looking hunting tips, and twelve (ten now, after losing some arrows) target practise tips.

 

How awesome is your bow? like, when was it made? 'cause Mine is like 20 years old. XD

 

and a 70lb pull on it.

It wears you out after pulling it back a few times. XD

This was the bow you were given from that lady you helped, is this correct?

 

Target practice for bows and even guns is okay, being of the animal group, I just don't like hurting or killing animals for no reason. To me, the bird that was shot by the arrow, was a senseless one and it pains me to see these pics.

Yup.

Good to see someone remembers when I ramble about stuff. XD

 

I dont think I'd have it in me to shoot a creature for no reason. Self-defense or for food, (when there's no alternative of course) would be the only things that could get me to shoot something still prancing around in the wild or whatever critters do these days.

The critters might do something like this... but not in the wild...

Yeah, but if a squirrel attacks you, you just kick it away or something and just leave it alone. Killing it wouldnt be necessary.

If it was like... a... big.. scary... mountain lion. or something. (yeah, you'll find a lot of those in Florida. XD) then I'd probably shoot it if it got some ideas.

If a squirrel attacked me... I would hand over all my peanuts and sunflower seeds. That's what they would be after.

 

We do have and or something, it is a Florida panther, but I do believe these are protected. So, you might as well stay out of their habitat.

O.o

 

Oh, and arkcher, my bow is pretty awsome. xD Compound, and my dad and I figure it to have a 70 pound pull. Two different sights for closer and farther targets (you look through a ring in the string at the sight for much better accuracy), vibration dampener, 9 arrows (one of which is a carbon fiber arrow. Those things are awsome, i hope to get 6 more for christmas. xD), and i got it (all) for $37 at a yard sale. I really like it.

Would you be picking on me?

No, of course not.

Oh good. I thought you were pretty smart. LOL

I think the same way. xD I also thought you were pretty oblivious when it comes to sarcasm. xD

Moi? Oblivious to sarcasm?

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Final Cut*~*

 

I should make a counter of Horatio's Captain obvious moments...

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

Not if you want to live. LOL

*gets out Mushroom Grinder*

[Mushroom_king]

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Fiu=nal Cut*~*

 

When Chuck Norris does push-ups he pushes the earth down.

Chuck norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Chuck norris once played russian roulette with a loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubik's Cube and throw it up solved.

If Chuck Norris is late than time better slow down!

Chuck norris can kill you with everything in your room, including the room itself.

There are no steroids, only the players Chuck Norris breathed on.

Instead of being born like a normal child, Chuck Norris punched his way out of the womb.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane by pointing at it and yelling "BANG!"

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter, he round-house kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

When Chuck Norris pays his taxes, he leaves the form blank and just sends a photo of himself, crouched and ready to attack. NO One makes Chuck Norris pay taxes!

In the back of The Guiness Book Of World Records, it says in very fine print that all records were actually done by Chuck Norris and teh people listed are just the people who got second place.

Chuck Norris is gonna sue NBC because he claims Law And Order are names for his legs.

They were going to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris round-house kicked the Nothing and said "Good job!"

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked someone so hard that the kick went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart.

If someone tries to attack Chuck Norris it needs to be labeled as a suicide.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.

There is no Global Warming. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

 

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

 

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

 

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

 

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

 

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

 

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting mad. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

 

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

 

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

 

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

 

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

 

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

 

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

 

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What was That?"

 

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even cooler than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

 

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

 

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

 

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

 

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

 

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

 

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

 

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

 

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

 

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

 

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

 

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

 

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

 

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

 

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

 

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

 

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

 

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

 

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

 

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

 

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

 

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

 

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

 

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

 

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

 

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

 

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

 

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

 

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

 

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

 

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

 

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

 

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

 

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

 

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

 

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

 

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

 

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

 

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

 

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his #### kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

 

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

 

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

 

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

 

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

 

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

 

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

 

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

 

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

 

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

 

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

 

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

 

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

 

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

 

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

 

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

 

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

 

There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

 

Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

 

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

 

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

 

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

 

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

 

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

 

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

 

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s butt halfway through the first chapter.

 

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

 

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

 

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

 

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

 

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been cool enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

 

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

 

The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

 

Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

 

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

 

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

 

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

 

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

 

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

 

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

 

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

 

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

 

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

 

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

 

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

 

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

 

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

 

Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

 

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

 

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your butt, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

 

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

 

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your butt.

 

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

 

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

 

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

 

# Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

 

What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

 

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

 

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

 

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

 

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

 

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

 

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

 

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

 

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

 

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

 

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

 

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

 

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

 

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

 

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

 

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

 

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

 

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

 

That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

 

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

 

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

 

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

 

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

 

Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

 

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

 

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

 

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

 

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

 

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

 

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

 

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

 

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

 

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

 

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

 

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough

 

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

 

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

 

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

 

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

 

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

 

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

 

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

 

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

 

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

 

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

 

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

 

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

 

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

 

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

 

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

 

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

 

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

 

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

 

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

 

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

 

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

 

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

 

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

 

Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

 

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

 

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

 

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

 

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

 

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

 

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

 

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

 

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

 

The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

 

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

 

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

 

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

 

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

 

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

 

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

 

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

 

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

 

Chuck Norris once invited all of the other cool kids from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver. MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

 

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

 

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

 

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

 

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.

 

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

 

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

 

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

 

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

 

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

 

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

 

July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

 

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

 

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

 

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

 

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

 

In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

 

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

 

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

 

Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

 

As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

 

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

 

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

 

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

 

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

 

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

 

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

 

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

 

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

 

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

 

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

 

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

 

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his butt twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

 

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

 

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

 

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

 

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

 

There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

 

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

 

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

 

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

 

Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

 

For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

 

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

 

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

 

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

 

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

 

The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not tick off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

 

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

 

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

 

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

 

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

 

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

 

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

 

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

 

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

 

"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

 

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

 

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

 

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

 

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

 

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

 

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

 

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

 

The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

 

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

 

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

 

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

 

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

 

"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

 

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

 

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

 

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

 

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

 

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

 

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

 

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

 

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

 

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

 

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

 

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

 

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

 

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

 

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

 

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

 

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

 

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

 

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

 

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

 

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

 

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

 

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

 

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

 

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

 

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

 

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

 

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

 

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

 

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

 

verything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

 

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

 

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

 

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

 

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

 

Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

 

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

 

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

 

For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

 

Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

 

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

[Cheesus]

*~*The Grand Illusion*~*The Fiu=nal Cut*~*

 

When Chuck Norris does push-ups he pushes the earth down.

Chuck norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Chuck norris once played russian roulette with a loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubik's Cube and throw it up solved.

If Chuck Norris is late than time better slow down!

Chuck norris can kill you with everything in your room, including the room itself.

There are no steroids, only the players Chuck Norris breathed on.

Instead of being born like a normal child, Chuck Norris punched his way out of the womb.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane by pointing at it and yelling "BANG!"

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter, he round-house kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

When Chuck Norris pays his taxes, he leaves the form blank and just sends a photo of himself, crouched and ready to attack. NO One makes Chuck Norris pay taxes!

In the back of The Guiness Book Of World Records, it says in very fine print that all records were actually done by Chuck Norris and teh people listed are just the people who got second place.

Chuck Norris is gonna sue NBC because he claims Law And Order are names for his legs.

They were going to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris round-house kicked the Nothing and said "Good job!"

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked someone so hard that the kick went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart.

If someone tries to attack Chuck Norris it needs to be labeled as a suicide.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.

There is no Global Warming. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

 

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

 

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

 

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

 

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

 

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

 

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting mad. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

 

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

 

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

 

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

 

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

 

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

 

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

 

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What was That?"

 

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even cooler than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

 

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

 

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

 

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

 

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

 

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

 

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

 

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

 

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

 

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

 

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

 

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

 

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

 

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

 

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

 

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

 

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

 

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

 

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

 

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

 

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

 

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

 

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

 

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

 

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

 

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

 

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

 

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

 

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

 

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

 

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

 

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

 

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

 

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

 

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

 

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

 

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

 

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

 

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

 

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his #### kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

 

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

 

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

 

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

 

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

 

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

 

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

 

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

 

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

 

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

 

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

 

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

 

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

 

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

 

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

 

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

 

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

 

There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

 

Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

 

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

 

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

 

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

 

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

 

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

 

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

 

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s butt halfway through the first chapter.

 

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

 

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

 

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

 

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

 

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been cool enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

 

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

 

The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

 

Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

 

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

 

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

 

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

 

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

 

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

 

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

 

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

 

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

 

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

 

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

 

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

 

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

 

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

 

Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

 

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

 

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your butt, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

 

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

 

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your butt.

 

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

 

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

 

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

 

# Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

 

What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

 

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

 

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

 

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

 

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

 

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

 

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

 

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

 

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

 

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

 

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

 

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

 

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

 

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

 

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

 

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

 

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

 

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

 

That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

 

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

 

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

 

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

 

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

 

Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

 

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

 

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

 

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

 

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

 

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

 

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

 

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

 

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

 

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

 

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

 

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough

 

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

 

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

 

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

 

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

 

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

 

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

 

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

 

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

 

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

 

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

 

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

 

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

 

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

 

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

 

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

 

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

 

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

 

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

 

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

 

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

 

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

 

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

 

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

 

Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

 

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

 

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

 

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

 

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

 

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

 

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

 

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

 

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

 

The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

 

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

 

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

 

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

 

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

 

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

 

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

 

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

 

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

 

Chuck Norris once invited all of the other cool kids from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver. MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

 

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

 

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

 

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

 

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.

 

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

 

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

 

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

 

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

 

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

 

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

 

July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

 

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

 

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

 

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

 

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

 

In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

 

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

 

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

 

Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

 

As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

 

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

 

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

 

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

 

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

 

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

 

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

 

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

 

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

 

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

 

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

 

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

 

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his butt twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

 

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

 

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

 

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

 

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

 

There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

 

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

 

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

 

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

 

Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

 

For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

 

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

 

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

 

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

 

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

 

The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not tick off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

 

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

 

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

 

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

 

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

 

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

 

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

 

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

 

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

 

"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

 

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

 

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

 

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

 

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

 

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

 

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

 

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

 

The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

 

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

 

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

 

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

 

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

 

"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

 

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

 

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

 

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

 

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

 

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

 

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

 

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

 

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

 

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

 

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

 

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

 

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

 

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

 

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

 

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

 

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

 

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

 

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

 

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

 

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

 

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

 

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

 

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

 

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

 

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

 

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

 

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

 

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

 

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

 

verything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

 

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

 

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

 

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

 

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

 

Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

 

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

 

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

 

For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

 

Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

 

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

 

*~*The Psychedelic Luau*~*The Astronomy Domine*~*

 

 

too...many...jokes... *dies from roundhouse-overload*