i speak, indeed.

[xMyOwnMindx]

6am cant sleep, i guess this could be a "piece of writing"

im not sure wut im gonna say yet.

i just need to take my mind off my aches.

so its 6am, some people are waking now,

i didnt even close my eyes for longer then a minute.

fights and pain keep me up all night.

stab me in heart

and sleep like a rock

while my tears pour out faster then blood.

 

so i basically fight with rob everyday.

i know he's protecting me but im 15 and i wanna do wut alot of 15 year olds are doing

its summer

i wanna stay happy

i want my green party

but its doubtful that were having it.

so rob can rest safty knowing his baby girl will instead be dreading her body in a bathing suit that no longer fits and a hot tub that doesn go past 97.

im so empty. i had a pice of this browning thing at 9.

3 more hours till i know its burned off.

sleeping burns calories too but i just cant.

i feel like crying

my head is spinning

worst day of my period. right now.

took some midol

ow.

im drinking old water, and looking at old pictures

smiling on the finer points of this day

somethings are ironic

like the marker,next to the my little pony

or the friends you thought were there, drifted away and you cant put your finger on when it started

irony is him making me crave what we fight so deeply about

but for once i was stronger

and he said im sorry

i was being a bit witchy

and i was like "im right, your bitter, im laughing"

but inside my heart was falling apart

is it possible i care for this boy

the way my mind tricks me into thinking so?

and as the sun rises, my headache worsens

oh god im so empty

so empty

water and rice cake

mm 50 cal breakfast

im too honest

im gonna be stuck in carrier forever

i started a new food diary today

its blue

i already have some good thinspo in there

:]

i cant wait to see my baby again

wednesdays.. mhm.

i feel like i can fly away

oh boy i hope the scale says 130.

i cant wait to hit the 20's!!!

i havnt been in the 20s in like ... a year.

maybe 2?

this is the only thing im possitive about

even more then my baby.

cuz hes so far away

and thinkers worry

i totally owned him when we were fighting

i felt so awesome

i won,

im a total witch

 

"and we walk on and on and on"

school is the 7th. im so scared.

im switching bio classes so i can be with lizz.

i hate how homeroom never changes.

i dont like the lower d, higher e children.

im the very last one. hmmm eng----? high e? i guess so.

isnt it funny how at 15 i cant sign my name.

i think i got it from my father, cuz my brother is the same way

but theyre guys, i should be able to sign my name and put a heart next to it easily as breathing.

i gues ive got no skill.

idc. :]

theres more important things.

i started making a 'bestest' montage of me and my bestest friend of 13 years lindsey.

mhm 13 years. have i shared that piece of info?

i cant wait till were like 50 and its like hey ive known you for 48 years man!

i thought for a little while we grew apart

cuz she had a boyfriend that she ditched everyone for and i saw her like 10 times that who year and a half

but we lived thru that

and she learned from it.

and i thought she was like girly then me, cuz well she is, but shes not like.. in a bad way.

we're so close.

i never though i could share my ana tendensies or cutting things with her

but shes cut a few times and we support each others hunger.

im so close to her now

i love my best friend

shes the bestest friend that i couldve ever asked time and space for.

i have a framed picture of us at 5 and 6 about 6 inches from the keyboard.

im wearing the "scenest" dress ever!! haha

and my nails were painted red.

her dress is like sailer/ table cloth.

hehe.

we were in our elementary school gym.

(if i cover our eyes can i put this pic in???)

[im on the left, in the SCENE dress, haha & i havnt a clue wut i was holding.]

 

 

i think our brothers had a boyscout derby thing

they used to make cars out of wood and then race them down this little hill thing.

my brother's were always cute

one year her made on like a pencil.

 

 

 

theyre all in the computer room which is like a spare bedroom now cuz everyone has theyre own computer

when i was little we had two computers in there

the "new computer" and the "old computer"

no matter how old the "new computer" got we called it that cuz it was newer then the other one we got.

and when we got a new one the "new computer" became the "old computer" and the old computer was usually put away or given away.

i remember chris got the "new computer" cuz he was old and i'd sit on the old one.

we'd sit there side by side for hours. i dont remember wut i did on the cumputer.

i had this one game i can remember tho. it was a story book maker.

and you had like objects and backgrounds and places to type the story

but i hardly ever remember actually writing stories

i would just put the pictures together and present them to people and make up stories

sometimes i printed them out cuz i thought they were the coolest thing in the world.

i still have the game but i think all the computers are too fast for it now. it needs like windows 98 or 95 or somthing.

anyway, now chris's computer is in his room, mine is in mine, my mom's (/dad's) in the family room and my dad's work laptop usually goes in his room or in the dinning room.

change scares me sometimes.

the first day of school is always such a shock. i hate it.

 

anyway, i cant finish the montage of me and lindseyla cuz half our pictures are on my mom's computer and the network thing is all messed up which makes me vaguely angry. cuz i was doing so good.

i wish i could show you guys but it shows pictures and a website name

so if your one of the lucky few that have been to my website then you can see the one i made already

if not, sorry.

ask people cuz some people know it.

 

did you know eating an apple burns about 25 calories.

and they taste good

i think im gonna go on a fruit fast or somthing.

ill ask around that website i cannot say and find out whats up with them.

 

pictures are exciting.

i wish i didnt break my camera chip.

stupid me.

 

owowow hunger pains.

even if i wanted to i dont want to leave my room cuz i dont want to wake my mom up

theres no way to explain how she is if you wake her up.

 

 

hmmm

ive been writing this/thinking about wut to say for over a half hour mann.

i have a dinosuar cup.

i miss my baby

im very disorganized

i dyed my hair but it didnt really do anything. lol just filled in my roots. basically.

i want my hair to be longer for picture day (the 12?)

and either light or darker, idc, just so its not the same color..

i think i might (for the first time in my life) smile with my teeth for my picture

i hate picture day

last years retake was OKAY but they dont print the retakes anyway, its just for your sake so you buy the pictures.

hmm i wanna wear this hoodie if found online.

its like samon colored.

hmmm

7th grade i wore a "punk hello kitty" shirt

8th grade an avenged sevenfold shirt

9th- 1st pic i wore a black shirt, 2nd a purple tank top, under a little purple hoodie

this year- black tank under that samon hoodie? maybe. maybe ill buy something. if not then my "will work for world peace shirt" you wont see all that in the picture but you might see "work for" and the top of the earth.

 

i do adore that shirt.

it got bigger on me, not much but a little.

oh how exciting that is!

i cant wait to drop another 15 pounds

when school starts it'll be easier.

ill have maybe a 90 calorie breakfast (special k bar)

and then i can maybe EAT family dinner a few times a week.

and ill do my homework, work out, shower and sleep and do it all again

im excited ill loose faster but ughh same thing everyday...

man thats a drag.

but ill have rob to keep my hopes up

 

i smell kinda bad.

hahaha.

i was gonna go to six flags with a friend today but she never called me

i didnt really wanna go anyway

i will clean my room

nicely and maybe completely

and then i will look for my ddr, if i find it ill play.

 

talk to rob

do crunches

idk wut else.

maybe ill get that hoodie

that would rock.

depends how bad i flip out on my mom

shes been nagging me so much lately

ohhh teenagerness.

teehee

i wonder if ill have the same locker this year.

i need a backpack

my mom will gladly buy me one

ive been using the same written all over dirty one since 6th grade.

its dirtiliy beautiful

i want a purple one

and i will write ALL over it and carry it to the very last week of high school

i know i shoulve gotten one last year but i didnt for god knows why.

 

oh boy i need somthing to eattttttt.

maybe ill eat that rice cake at 10.

give my body an hour to eat itself

(i last ate at 9)

hmm

so..

since im talking to myself ill talk about my plans..

its all in my phone basically..

lemme get that.

k.

today was six flags or a show.

i pick neither

tomorrow, given that my room should be clean, me jamie and mark are hanging out.

the 30th with rob

31st going to NY with the jamie again

1st- either party at anthony's or pool party and campout at joshlyn's

4th- be 125.

6th- last day of summer, with jamie megan and ryry, to run around and cry.

7th-first day of school. OMG. kill me now. haha

11th-be 115.

13th- with rob

22- be 110(that may change)

 

 

idk when the homecoming dance is

probably late october

then halloween i need to have a party again

idk wut im being yet

 

and yea, im currently working on my xmas list.

most important things/things that wont change on it:

donnie darko on dvd

a trampoline

 

im OBSESSED with donnie darko

yesterday(/2 nights ago) i watched it twice and tonight(/last night) i watched it with my parents

best movie in the world.

i loveee it.

and jake is hott!

love that movie.

my brother borrowed it from someone thats why ive watched it so many times and yet im still asking for it for xmas. cuz he'll probably give it back

maybe if i get a job, ill just buy it and we can all watch it on halloween.

mhhhmmmmmmm

im excited

and now im a bit hyper

cuz i didnt sleep at all.

i was like.. 3:30 *yawn*

4:40 *yawn*

5:50 *yawn*

6am... k im staying up

*yawn*

 

haha and now its 7am.

 

my insides are exploding

3 hours till i eat something.

and 4 mins.

 

yay.

hmmm...

wut else can i babble on about

i dont have anything to rant about really

except controling boyfriends

let me have free will!

you stupid dummy

but wutever

he has good REASONS and i understand that im breaking the law

wutever

so my friend megan is back in jersey, she was in ny with her fam, and thats cool.

i have no classes with her.

:[

for the first time since i met him.

6th grade we had english together

7th spanish

8th math

and 9th lunch

and my stupid school system has seperated me from my soul sista.

i do NOT want to grow apart from megan

shes the only person i can talk to for literally 6 hours straight and not get bored. or go quite

we like feed off each other.

oh im gonna miss seeing her everyday

hopefully we pass each other at some point in the day

same with jamie.

ive only know her 2 years but it was like

8th grade- history, gym & literacy

9th grade- lunch

 

and im not in her classes either.

 

thank goodness i have gym with like mad people.

ive got lizz, lindsey, mona and aj.

compared to the zero people i have in my other classes, thats alot

and im excited

 

excited to fail drivers ed with lizz

excited tp (for the first time in our lives) have a class with my best friend (im a sophomore, shes a jr.)

i cant believe chris isnt gonna be there to laugh/ hit me in the halls.

i only saw him like once a week but it was nice "hey thats a loser brother" thing.

darnn.

 

i basically dislike everyone in my classes

but i got in video and film

and digital photography

im really excited for digi. photo.. i didnt think i was gonna get in cuz its a new class.

its gotta be easy, i was like born with a camera in my hand

 

so school i think ill half live thru

i need some friends in my classessss.

i have lunch with only 2 people, tonya and steve

and ive never talked to steve w/o mona being around

so were like.. not gonna talk.

im gonna need to keep busy to keep from buying cheese fries and chocolate chip cookies (thats basically wut lunch is for most kids in my town)

ill just do hw if i get too bored

tonya doesnt always eat lunch cuz she cant afford to.

skipping lunch is how i make money.

i get about 3 dollars a day and id usually spend 1 or 2. and save the rest and thats how i bought like anything

this year ill have the whole 3, except for the days where i do eat cheese fries.

unless i buy a water everyday... hmm then ill still have 1 or 2.

wutever, good thing jamie isnt in my lunch, she eats uber fast and then drags me up to get more food and id end up buying some most of the time and then being like "wut the heck im not even hungry" and giving it to tonya or somthing.

 

ill live thru lunch

i taste blood..

its kinda gross.

cuz i dont know where its from.

maybe im just imgining it

but its not the first time

when im really hungry, i sneeze and taste blood(at different times)

 

happy 7:11. teehee

 

school coming is like a little exciting that i get to see people all day and hang out and ish but its kinda sad but freedom is ending and tests and essays and same rutine everyday. and saturday detentions and such. ughh.

well i know one thing.. no sneeking back INTO school

doesnt work.

i can sneek OUT easily but getting back in is difficult

im cutting school december 7th.

i did last year with lizz and were gonna do it again

its so much fun, we just run around town and no one cares.

and everyone just thinks you were sick

school doesnt like call home like in elementary school

its too hard to keep track of 2400 kids.

i think its even more this year cuz of the freshmen coming in.

 

i had the goose bumps you get after a sneeze.

hate themmm.

 

"i,i,i,i,i wanna walk in the snow and not leave a footprint"

 

mhmm

nothing to say

nothing to do.

 

my wrist hurts

i have too many things

this is bees!!

BEEESSSSSSS MAN!!

 

i want to go to ohio and go to cedar point

i was such a baby last time i went i was like BIG ROLLER COASTERS SCARE ME.

i wasted so much time not going on things.

el toro at six flags is pretty sweet.

i had to hold on the first drop tho.

thats not a picture, its a CG thing but thats wut it looks like.

with my medusa baby behind it. i ADORE medusa.

 

i wanna go to six flags. just dont today. no way.

its almost 7:30 and i have not much else to say.

so im gonna lay down or clean. idk.

PEACE. loversss<3

 

if you read this whole thing id give you an award if i had one.

i think i had the "strawberry award" once.

i should make one like "YRMST award"

for "you read my stuff, thanks"

 

can i do that?

mhm.

so if you read it all, honestly, then ill give you that.

<333

[Horatio]

Your writing is really good. I enjoy reading what you write.

[xMyOwnMindx]

Your writing is really good. I enjoy reading what you write.

gracias. its not really writing.

ha it probably deserves to be on my blog but i was too tired.

 

did you read the whole thing?

[Horatio]

Your writing is really good. I enjoy reading what you write.

gracias. its not really writing.

ha it probably deserves to be on my blog but i was too tired.

 

did you read the whole thing?

I have to.

You might slip something past me.

[xMyOwnMindx]

Your writing is really good. I enjoy reading what you write.

gracias. its not really writing.

ha it probably deserves to be on my blog but i was too tired.

 

did you read the whole thing?

I have to.

You might slip something past me.

oh yea duh.

well you can have that award if you want it.. wut did i call it.

im too tired to remember.

or go look.

 

i spelled brownie wrong, and many other things too.

[Topazia]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

[xMyOwnMindx]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

thanks. :]

your so good at it too, like your rants and stuff.,

i just never know wut to say w/o sounding lame or somthing.

[Patchwork]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

thanks. :]

your so good at it too, like your rants and stuff.,

i just never know wut to say w/o sounding lame or somthing.

That's one of her problems, too.

[xMyOwnMindx]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

thanks. :]

your so good at it too, like your rants and stuff.,

i just never know wut to say w/o sounding lame or somthing.

That's one of her problems, too.

well it isnt our faults, its just.. words have lost their meaning

"excellent" doesnt hold far as much meaning as it should

and their is no possible way to comunicate heart-drips thru words

word just simply arnt enough

[Hamster Luver]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

 

none of ur stuff ever ever ever sounds lame. if u want to hear something lame? read my poetry

[xMyOwnMindx]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

 

none of ur stuff ever ever ever sounds lame. if u want to hear something lame? read my poetry

my stuff is so "BLAH BLAH WHINE WHO CARES BORING" to me.

i like your stuff!

[Glowurm]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

 

none of ur stuff ever ever ever sounds lame. if u want to hear something lame? read my poetry

my stuff is so "BLAH BLAH WHINE WHO CARES BORING" to me.

i like your stuff!

Most writers, artists, and musicians are like that. They see their own work as sub-par. But none of them should really do that 'til they see my stuff. I don't think I could write a sad poem to save my life, for example.

[Horatio]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

 

none of ur stuff ever ever ever sounds lame. if u want to hear something lame? read my poetry

my stuff is so "BLAH BLAH WHINE WHO CARES BORING" to me.

i like your stuff!

Most writers, artists, and musicians are like that. They see their own work as sub-par. But none of them should really do that 'til they see my stuff. I don't think I could write a sad poem to save my life, for example.

I think you write the poetry about things that are happening in your life. If you were having a bad time, I believe you would write wonderful poetry about sad events.

[Hamster Luver]

i wish the sad time in my life would end i wrote another poem today, it feels good to get my feelings on paper, altho i dont think i would want to post it here

[xMyOwnMindx]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

 

none of ur stuff ever ever ever sounds lame. if u want to hear something lame? read my poetry

my stuff is so "BLAH BLAH WHINE WHO CARES BORING" to me.

i like your stuff!

Most writers, artists, and musicians are like that. They see their own work as sub-par. But none of them should really do that 'til they see my stuff. I don't think I could write a sad poem to save my life, for example.

I think you write the poetry about things that are happening in your life. If you were having a bad time, I believe you would write wonderful poetry about sad events.

 

not nessisarily.

im happy in life right now,

i just babysat and made $70

tomorrow i get to see my baby who adores me

im not fighting with my parents RIGHT now

its still summer

im planning to get messed up in like 3 different ways this weekend

everything is okay

and i could write you a book on how much i wish i wasnt alive.

 

my head could be full of happiness, but my heart feels forever in tragidy

i can pull it from no where.

even when my life is pretty much perfect

i cant write a happy poem.

rob asked me to

and i was like.. eh..maybe.

[Glowurm]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

 

none of ur stuff ever ever ever sounds lame. if u want to hear something lame? read my poetry

my stuff is so "BLAH BLAH WHINE WHO CARES BORING" to me.

i like your stuff!

Most writers, artists, and musicians are like that. They see their own work as sub-par. But none of them should really do that 'til they see my stuff. I don't think I could write a sad poem to save my life, for example.

I think you write the poetry about things that are happening in your life. If you were having a bad time, I believe you would write wonderful poetry about sad events.

Yeah >.< I almost never feel sad. So that's why I'm not very good at all with sad poems.

[Horatio]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

 

none of ur stuff ever ever ever sounds lame. if u want to hear something lame? read my poetry

my stuff is so "BLAH BLAH WHINE WHO CARES BORING" to me.

i like your stuff!

Most writers, artists, and musicians are like that. They see their own work as sub-par. But none of them should really do that 'til they see my stuff. I don't think I could write a sad poem to save my life, for example.

I think you write the poetry about things that are happening in your life. If you were having a bad time, I believe you would write wonderful poetry about sad events.

Yeah >.

How wonderful for you!!!! Unfortunately, many people experience a life that brings them more sadness than happiness.

[Hamster Luver]

How wonderful for you!!!! Unfortunately, many people experience a life that brings them more sadness than happiness.

 

 

*raises hand and agrees*

[Glowurm]

You're so good at writing

Even when you're just babbling

 

none of ur stuff ever ever ever sounds lame. if u want to hear something lame? read my poetry

my stuff is so "BLAH BLAH WHINE WHO CARES BORING" to me.

i like your stuff!

Most writers, artists, and musicians are like that. They see their own work as sub-par. But none of them should really do that 'til they see my stuff. I don't think I could write a sad poem to save my life, for example.

I think you write the poetry about things that are happening in your life. If you were having a bad time, I believe you would write wonderful poetry about sad events.

Yeah >.< I almost never feel sad. So that's why I'm not very good at all with sad poems.

How wonderful for you!!!! Unfortunately, many people experience a life that brings them more sadness than happiness.

That's why I'm so happy!

 

Okay, that came out wrong.

 

That's why I'm usually happy, because I'm not the one living it.

 

That came out a little less wrong.