2:34am overreacting in dark corner.

xMyOwnMindx · July 19, 2006

why do i want these things when i all i get back is pain

i know it's wrong

i wanna push that limit

i wanna feel alive

i wanna be pretty and tiny

and scream and run away

and get messed up

i want everything

i want it all now

but everything has its price

everything comes with broken friendships

and cold rejection

crying yourself to sleep and frowns

i keep feeling like i can do whatever and have people have my back

but it doesnt matter how much you care about someone

they're gonna hurt you

even if they didnt even mean to

and everytime i get to close

i rip and scratch and make people bleed

i dont mean to do it

but i know i bring everyone down

i shouldve went thru with my plans for this summer

sever all ties

and run away forever

and end up dead

you can cry when your dead

id give up ever laughing again

for the peace of that

i cant even express it anymore

i wanna claw off my skin

and crawl away bleeding

leaving behind the pain for you to clean up

i cant even cut anymore

cuz i promised

and im living all for you

i dont like my life

myself

my family

i live for people that care about me

i dont want life anymore

i dont care anymore

it's not worth it anymore

nothing is worth this pain

i wanted it all

i got it all

im depressed

im alone

im a liar

i cant even throw up right

i cheat in school

i treat everyone badly

i hurt myself

i hurt others

i do drugs

i starve

i steal

i cant think of anything i deserve more

and thats what makes it all so hard

is i gave myself this

i knew i was doing it

i loved every effin second of it

i dont know why i feel the things i do

i dont know if im sane

i dont know if im bi polar

i dont know if its all from my mom

i dont know if i'll grow up alone

an alcholic with 30 cats

or if i'll die tomorrow

i dont know when my next baby panice attack will be

or if i'll ever press down hard enough

i dont know anything

all i know is that i hate myself

more than anything

i disgust myself

insides and out

i'm pathedic

and i deserve to die in pain slowly alone cold and crying.

this is what i am

this is how i feel

i dont give a #### what you say to me

about me

about it

about anything

i dont care if you love me

hate me

nothing changes anything anymore.

xMyOwnMindx · July 19, 2006

why do i want these things when i all i get back is pain
i know it's wrong

i wanna push that limit

i wanna feel alive

i wanna be pretty and tiny

and scream and run away

and get messed up

i want everything

i want it all now

but everything has its price

everything comes with broken friendships

and cold rejection

crying yourself to sleep and frowns

i keep feeling like i can do whatever and have people have my back

but it doesnt matter how much you care about someone

they're gonna hurt you

even if they didnt even mean to

and everytime i get to close

i rip and scratch and make people bleed

i dont mean to do it

but i know i bring everyone down

i shouldve went thru with my plans for this summer

sever all ties

and run away forever

and end up dead

you can cry when your dead

id give up ever laughing again

for the peace of that

i cant even express it anymore

i wanna claw off my skin

and crawl away bleeding

leaving behind the pain for you to clean up

i cant even cut anymore

cuz i promised

and im living all for you

i dont like my life

myself

my family

i live for people that care about me

i dont want life anymore

i dont care anymore

it's not worth it anymore

nothing is worth this pain

i wanted it all

i got it all

im depressed

im alone

im a liar

i cant even throw up right

i cheat in school

i treat everyone badly

i hurt myself

i hurt others

i do drugs

i starve

i steal

i cant think of anything i deserve more

and thats what makes it all so hard

is i gave myself this

i knew i was doing it

i loved every effin second of it

i dont know why i feel the things i do

i dont know if im sane

i dont know if im bi polar

i dont know if its all from my mom

i dont know if i'll grow up alone

an alcholic with 30 cats

or if i'll die tomorrow

i dont know when my next baby panice attack will be

or if i'll ever press down hard enough

i dont know anything

all i know is that i hate myself

more than anything

i disgust myself

insides and out

i'm pathedic

and i deserve to die in pain slowly alone cold and crying.

this is what i am

this is how i feel

i dont give a #### what you say to me

about me

about it

about anything

i dont care if you love me

hate me

nothing changes anything anymore.

i'm sorry. i was kinda flipping out and typing helps and i didnt wanna put this on my site.

you can ignore it if u want.

Horatio · July 19, 2006

why do i want these things when i all i get back is pain

i know it's wrong

i wanna push that limit

i wanna feel alive

i wanna be pretty and tiny

and scream and run away

and get messed up

i want everything

i want it all now

but everything has its price

everything comes with broken friendships

and cold rejection

crying yourself to sleep and frowns

i keep feeling like i can do whatever and have people have my back

but it doesnt matter how much you care about someone

they're gonna hurt you

even if they didnt even mean to

and everytime i get to close

i rip and scratch and make people bleed

i dont mean to do it

but i know i bring everyone down

i shouldve went thru with my plans for this summer

sever all ties

and run away forever

and end up dead

you can cry when your dead

id give up ever laughing again

for the peace of that

i cant even express it anymore

i wanna claw off my skin

and crawl away bleeding

leaving behind the pain for you to clean up

i cant even cut anymore

cuz i promised

and im living all for you

i dont like my life

myself

my family

i live for people that care about me

i dont want life anymore

i dont care anymore

it's not worth it anymore

nothing is worth this pain

i wanted it all

i got it all

im depressed

im alone

im a liar

i cant even throw up right

i cheat in school

i treat everyone badly

i hurt myself

i hurt others

i do drugs

i starve

i steal

i cant think of anything i deserve more

and thats what makes it all so hard

is i gave myself this

i knew i was doing it

i loved every effin second of it

i dont know why i feel the things i do

i dont know if im sane

i dont know if im bi polar

i dont know if its all from my mom

i dont know if i'll grow up alone

an alcholic with 30 cats

or if i'll die tomorrow

i dont know when my next baby panice attack will be

or if i'll ever press down hard enough

i dont know anything

all i know is that i hate myself

more than anything

i disgust myself

insides and out

i'm pathedic

and i deserve to die in pain slowly alone cold and crying.

this is what i am

this is how i feel

i dont give a #### what you say to me

about me

about it

about anything

i dont care if you love me

hate me

nothing changes anything anymore.

i'm sorry. i was kinda flipping out and typing helps and i didnt wanna put this on my site.

you can ignore it if u want.

Why should we ignore this. There is an enormous amount of feeling here. Some of your feelings

are very hard to respond to because it looks like you are in extreme pain and I am at a loss as to

what to say.

xMyOwnMindx · July 19, 2006

why do i want these things when i all i get back is pain

i know it's wrong

i wanna push that limit

i wanna feel alive

i wanna be pretty and tiny

and scream and run away

and get messed up

i want everything

i want it all now

but everything has its price

everything comes with broken friendships

and cold rejection

crying yourself to sleep and frowns

i keep feeling like i can do whatever and have people have my back

but it doesnt matter how much you care about someone

they're gonna hurt you

even if they didnt even mean to

and everytime i get to close

i rip and scratch and make people bleed

i dont mean to do it

but i know i bring everyone down

i shouldve went thru with my plans for this summer

sever all ties

and run away forever

and end up dead

you can cry when your dead

id give up ever laughing again

for the peace of that

i cant even express it anymore

i wanna claw off my skin

and crawl away bleeding

leaving behind the pain for you to clean up

i cant even cut anymore

cuz i promised

and im living all for you

i dont like my life

myself

my family

i live for people that care about me

i dont want life anymore

i dont care anymore

it's not worth it anymore

nothing is worth this pain

i wanted it all

i got it all

im depressed

im alone

im a liar

i cant even throw up right

i cheat in school

i treat everyone badly

i hurt myself

i hurt others

i do drugs

i starve

i steal

i cant think of anything i deserve more

and thats what makes it all so hard

is i gave myself this

i knew i was doing it

i loved every effin second of it

i dont know why i feel the things i do

i dont know if im sane

i dont know if im bi polar

i dont know if its all from my mom

i dont know if i'll grow up alone

an alcholic with 30 cats

or if i'll die tomorrow

i dont know when my next baby panice attack will be

or if i'll ever press down hard enough

i dont know anything

all i know is that i hate myself

more than anything

i disgust myself

insides and out

i'm pathedic

and i deserve to die in pain slowly alone cold and crying.

this is what i am

this is how i feel

i dont give a #### what you say to me

about me

about it

about anything

i dont care if you love me

hate me

nothing changes anything anymore.

i'm sorry. i was kinda flipping out and typing helps and i didnt wanna put this on my site.

you can ignore it if u want.

Why should we ignore this. There is an enormous amount of feeling here. Some of your feelings

are very hard to respond to because it looks like you are in extreme pain and I am at a loss as to

what to say.

im not in etreme pain

im in extreme denial that i deserve friends.

i'm just torn between wanted to die and wanting to be happy and i know your probably thinking "of course being happy is better then dying" but i just dont know.

Horatio · July 19, 2006

im not in etreme pain
im in extreme denial that i deserve friends.

i'm just torn between wanted to die and wanting to be happy and i know your probably thinking "of course being happy is better then dying" but i just dont know.

I am not thinking that being happy is better than dying, I am thinking how, although you deny you are in extreme pain, you are being torn between two choices, one of which is final.

xMyOwnMindx · July 19, 2006

im not in etreme pain

im in extreme denial that i deserve friends.

i'm just torn between wanted to die and wanting to be happy and i know your probably thinking "of course being happy is better then dying" but i just dont know.

I am not thinking that being happy is better than dying, I am thinking how, although you deny you are in extreme pain, you are being torn between two choices, one of which is final.

yea. well sometimes im down. sometimes i get so close.

and sometimes im happy.

or i think im happy.

but even when i feel happy

in my heart i wanna die

everyday.

i dont know why

i see a reason

i dont wanna get help cuz i dont see the point

and i really think im fine.

i just hate life

alot of people do

Horatio · July 19, 2006

im not in etreme pain

im in extreme denial that i deserve friends.

i'm just torn between wanted to die and wanting to be happy and i know your probably thinking "of course being happy is better then dying" but i just dont know.

I am not thinking that being happy is better than dying, I am thinking how, although you deny you are in extreme pain, you are being torn between two choices, one of which is final.

yea. well sometimes im down. sometimes i get so close.

and sometimes im happy.

or i think im happy.

but even when i feel happy

in my heart i wanna die

everyday.

i dont know why

i see a reason

i dont wanna get help cuz i dont see the point

and i really think im fine.

i just hate life

alot of people do

You don't see the point in getting help, but if it didn't work, so many people would not be doing it.

Did you ever consider that maybe life is tough and being in your teen years is the hardest part of

life?

xMyOwnMindx · July 20, 2006

im not in etreme pain

im in extreme denial that i deserve friends.

i'm just torn between wanted to die and wanting to be happy and i know your probably thinking "of course being happy is better then dying" but i just dont know.

I am not thinking that being happy is better than dying, I am thinking how, although you deny you are in extreme pain, you are being torn between two choices, one of which is final.

yea. well sometimes im down. sometimes i get so close.

and sometimes im happy.

or i think im happy.

but even when i feel happy

in my heart i wanna die

everyday.

i dont know why

i see a reason

i dont wanna get help cuz i dont see the point

and i really think im fine.

i just hate life

alot of people do

You don't see the point in getting help, but if it didn't work, so many people would not be doing it.

Did you ever consider that maybe life is tough and being in your teen years is the hardest part of

life?

toughest in my teens years?! (i first felt my depression at 12, btw. which i dont think matters)

i have everything ive ever wanted. (but that doesnt make me feel better)

how could it get better? it can only get worse..

when mommy and daddy arnt around to cook and clean and drive me everywhere and keep me from doing all the things im going to do

they pay for my clothes, the vodka i steal from them, the bills, they take care of me when im sick.

i have married parents who never fight and really CARE about me most of the time.

i have a big family

i get presents

i dont get hit on a daily bases

the only things NOT perfect in my life are my our fault.

-im lying to my boyfriend

-im overweight

-i do things i shouldnt

and even knowing and taking in and understand all of this

my mind tells me everything is wrong all the time

and it tells me to do things

i cant shut out the voices

and ive become completly and udderly obsessed with food and chewing ice and drinking water by the gallon daily. and working off every calorie i eat

but this is also MY fault

but the worst part is.. im scared to change. i dont even think i want to.

i'm LOVED i dont know why that isnt enough for me

but almost everyday i think about killing myself

in different ways

i dont know why i want it so bad

but i just hate the idea of living onto tomorrow

i feel dieased..

and to make matter worse i ate a bazillion calories today and it makes me cry.

but im not ana.

dont think that.

i just wish food wasnt anywhere.

i wish i knew what i wanted...

Topazia · July 20, 2006

...wow...

Um, *laughs at myself*

I'm rendered speechless. I say it alot, but never as much as now.

it's a purgatorial speechlessness too. not positive or negative.

just...

wow.

xMyOwnMindx · July 20, 2006

...wow...

Um, *laughs at myself*

I'm rendered speechless. I say it alot, but never as much as now.

it's a purgatorial speechlessness too. not positive or negative.

just...

wow.

um. define purgatorial please. google confuses me.

anyway, i feel bad complaining about my perfect life when yours is so much worse. that sounded better in my head.its just that i feel like a giant whining baby wallowing in selfsorrow when other people have real problems.

im sorry.

Horatio · July 20, 2006

...wow...

Um, *laughs at myself*

I'm rendered speechless. I say it alot, but never as much as now.

it's a purgatorial speechlessness too. not positive or negative.

just...

wow.

um. define purgatorial please. google confuses me.

anyway, i feel bad complaining about my perfect life when yours is so much worse. that sounded better in my head.its just that i feel like a giant whining baby wallowing in selfsorrow when other people have real problems.

im sorry.

Do not feel bad about complaining. Each of has things in our life that seem insignificant to others, but to us as an individual, they are very, very real and very, very consuming. Your life may appear to be perfect, but there may be something else that is not so perfect. Please do not think you are wallowing in self-sorrow. You are allowed to feel the way you do and express these thoughts without criticism.

xMyOwnMindx · July 20, 2006

...wow...

Um, *laughs at myself*

I'm rendered speechless. I say it alot, but never as much as now.

it's a purgatorial speechlessness too. not positive or negative.

just...

wow.

um. define purgatorial please. google confuses me.

anyway, i feel bad complaining about my perfect life when yours is so much worse. that sounded better in my head.its just that i feel like a giant whining baby wallowing in selfsorrow when other people have real problems.

im sorry.

Do not feel bad about complaining. Each of has things in our life that seem insignificant to others, but to us as an individual, they are very, very real and very, very consuming. Your life may appear to be perfect, but there may be something else that is not so perfect. Please do not think you are wallowing in self-sorrow. You are allowed to feel the way you do and express these thoughts without criticism.

truth. but i cant help it.i still feel bad..

Topazia · July 21, 2006

...wow...

Um, *laughs at myself*

I'm rendered speechless. I say it alot, but never as much as now.

it's a purgatorial speechlessness too. not positive or negative.

just...

wow.

um. define purgatorial please. google confuses me.

anyway, i feel bad complaining about my perfect life when yours is so much worse. that sounded better in my head.its just that i feel like a giant whining baby wallowing in selfsorrow when other people have real problems.

im sorry.

Do not feel bad about complaining. Each of has things in our life that seem insignificant to others, but to us as an individual, they are very, very real and very, very consuming. Your life may appear to be perfect, but there may be something else that is not so perfect. Please do not think you are wallowing in self-sorrow. You are allowed to feel the way you do and express these thoughts without criticism.

truth. but i cant help it.i still feel bad..

purgatorial--neutral [purgatory is the place you go when you die until someone decides if your sins outweigh your good deeds, or vice versa.]

Don't mind complaining. Venting really helps when you're all stressed out and no one to talk to. Yeah, it probably did sound better in your head, but I know what you mean. It's always easy to put guilt on yourself abt complaining when you decide others have it worse. I complaining to my best friend who used to be in a gang, and my friend doesn't mind at all that my life wasn't nearly as hectic as theirs.

It's okay to feel bad. Just don't let it get you too down. I hear being depressed makes you gain weight, and I mean that in the nicest way... All my friends that are fit, have positive attitudes, versus my friends with negative outlooks who aren't so in shape. [no, I don't mean you. somehow i know you'll twist that to mean you, lauren...]

I speak from experience. Hey, at least you acknowledge you live in a decent home. Until I entered high school and encountered certain events that coincided with said school change, I hated my home life. My mom raised 2 ADHD kids as a single parent with basic college and air force salary. (very low) She did a pretty decent job. She loves me, tries to give me everything I need and most of what I want (I understand when she says no), and for the most part, I'm the one who yells the most. Ay me, such is the joy of having undiagnosed psychosis... I don't thank her enough, either... I think I'll write her a thankyou note via internet poem. :wub:

Horatio · July 21, 2006

...I don't thank her enough, either... I think I'll write her a thankyou note via internet poem.

What I think would be nice, would be to take a moment, create some verse and make your own handwritten, hand designed card. Something that she can put in her drawer, take out, look at, touch and feel your love. When you give it to her, please give her a big hug and kiss and tell her just how much you appreciate her.

This I think would be a bit more special than something on the internet.

xMyOwnMindx · July 21, 2006

...wow...

Um, *laughs at myself*

I'm rendered speechless. I say it alot, but never as much as now.

it's a purgatorial speechlessness too. not positive or negative.

just...

wow.

um. define purgatorial please. google confuses me.

anyway, i feel bad complaining about my perfect life when yours is so much worse. that sounded better in my head.its just that i feel like a giant whining baby wallowing in selfsorrow when other people have real problems.

im sorry.

Do not feel bad about complaining. Each of has things in our life that seem insignificant to others, but to us as an individual, they are very, very real and very, very consuming. Your life may appear to be perfect, but there may be something else that is not so perfect. Please do not think you are wallowing in self-sorrow. You are allowed to feel the way you do and express these thoughts without criticism.

truth. but i cant help it.i still feel bad..

purgatorial--neutral [purgatory is the place you go when you die until someone decides if your sins outweigh your good deeds, or vice versa.]

Don't mind complaining. Venting really helps when you're all stressed out and no one to talk to. Yeah, it probably did sound better in your head, but I know what you mean. It's always easy to put guilt on yourself abt complaining when you decide others have it worse. I complaining to my best friend who used to be in a gang, and my friend doesn't mind at all that my life wasn't nearly as hectic as theirs.

It's okay to feel bad. Just don't let it get you too down. I hear being depressed makes you gain weight, and I mean that in the nicest way... All my friends that are fit, have positive attitudes, versus my friends with negative outlooks who aren't so in shape. [no, I don't mean you. somehow i know you'll twist that to mean you, lauren...]

I speak from experience. Hey, at least you acknowledge you live in a decent home. Until I entered high school and encountered certain events that coincided with said school change, I hated my home life. My mom raised 2 ADHD kids as a single parent with basic college and air force salary. (very low) She did a pretty decent job. She loves me, tries to give me everything I need and most of what I want (I understand when she says no), and for the most part, I'm the one who yells the most. Ay me, such is the joy of having undiagnosed psychosis... I don't thank her enough, either... I think I'll write her a thankyou note via internet poem.

"being depressed makes you gain weight"

i know isnt that horrible?

i dont know wut i hate being more depressed or fat.

i really cant picture myself either..

Topazia · July 22, 2006

...wow...

Um, *laughs at myself*

I'm rendered speechless. I say it alot, but never as much as now.

it's a purgatorial speechlessness too. not positive or negative.

just...

wow.

um. define purgatorial please. google confuses me.

anyway, i feel bad complaining about my perfect life when yours is so much worse. that sounded better in my head.its just that i feel like a giant whining baby wallowing in selfsorrow when other people have real problems.

im sorry.

Do not feel bad about complaining. Each of has things in our life that seem insignificant to others, but to us as an individual, they are very, very real and very, very consuming. Your life may appear to be perfect, but there may be something else that is not so perfect. Please do not think you are wallowing in self-sorrow. You are allowed to feel the way you do and express these thoughts without criticism.

truth. but i cant help it.i still feel bad..

purgatorial--neutral [purgatory is the place you go when you die until someone decides if your sins outweigh your good deeds, or vice versa.]

Don't mind complaining. Venting really helps when you're all stressed out and no one to talk to. Yeah, it probably did sound better in your head, but I know what you mean. It's always easy to put guilt on yourself abt complaining when you decide others have it worse. I complaining to my best friend who used to be in a gang, and my friend doesn't mind at all that my life wasn't nearly as hectic as theirs.

It's okay to feel bad. Just don't let it get you too down. I hear being depressed makes you gain weight, and I mean that in the nicest way... All my friends that are fit, have positive attitudes, versus my friends with negative outlooks who aren't so in shape. [no, I don't mean you. somehow i know you'll twist that to mean you, lauren...]

I speak from experience. Hey, at least you acknowledge you live in a decent home. Until I entered high school and encountered certain events that coincided with said school change, I hated my home life. My mom raised 2 ADHD kids as a single parent with basic college and air force salary. (very low) She did a pretty decent job. She loves me, tries to give me everything I need and most of what I want (I understand when she says no), and for the most part, I'm the one who yells the most. Ay me, such is the joy of having undiagnosed psychosis... I don't thank her enough, either... I think I'll write her a thankyou note via internet poem.

"being depressed makes you gain weight"

i know isnt that horrible?

i dont know wut i hate being more depressed or fat.

i really cant picture myself either..

grapefruit soda is nasty watered down.

ok, sorry. yeah. sometimes for this reason, I wish I were depressed more extremely than I am... I'd gain weight, and then I'd figure out a way to get over it...

xMyOwnMindx · July 22, 2006

...wow...

Um, *laughs at myself*

I'm rendered speechless. I say it alot, but never as much as now.

it's a purgatorial speechlessness too. not positive or negative.

just...

wow.

um. define purgatorial please. google confuses me.

anyway, i feel bad complaining about my perfect life when yours is so much worse. that sounded better in my head.its just that i feel like a giant whining baby wallowing in selfsorrow when other people have real problems.

im sorry.

Do not feel bad about complaining. Each of has things in our life that seem insignificant to others, but to us as an individual, they are very, very real and very, very consuming. Your life may appear to be perfect, but there may be something else that is not so perfect. Please do not think you are wallowing in self-sorrow. You are allowed to feel the way you do and express these thoughts without criticism.

truth. but i cant help it.i still feel bad..

purgatorial--neutral [purgatory is the place you go when you die until someone decides if your sins outweigh your good deeds, or vice versa.]

Don't mind complaining. Venting really helps when you're all stressed out and no one to talk to. Yeah, it probably did sound better in your head, but I know what you mean. It's always easy to put guilt on yourself abt complaining when you decide others have it worse. I complaining to my best friend who used to be in a gang, and my friend doesn't mind at all that my life wasn't nearly as hectic as theirs.

It's okay to feel bad. Just don't let it get you too down. I hear being depressed makes you gain weight, and I mean that in the nicest way... All my friends that are fit, have positive attitudes, versus my friends with negative outlooks who aren't so in shape. [no, I don't mean you. somehow i know you'll twist that to mean you, lauren...]

I speak from experience. Hey, at least you acknowledge you live in a decent home. Until I entered high school and encountered certain events that coincided with said school change, I hated my home life. My mom raised 2 ADHD kids as a single parent with basic college and air force salary. (very low) She did a pretty decent job. She loves me, tries to give me everything I need and most of what I want (I understand when she says no), and for the most part, I'm the one who yells the most. Ay me, such is the joy of having undiagnosed psychosis... I don't thank her enough, either... I think I'll write her a thankyou note via internet poem.

"being depressed makes you gain weight"

i know isnt that horrible?

i dont know wut i hate being more depressed or fat.

i really cant picture myself either..

grapefruit soda is nasty watered down.

ok, sorry. yeah. sometimes for this reason, I wish I were depressed more extremely than I am... I'd gain weight, and then I'd figure out a way to get over it...

dont wish things like that.

being skinny(when you wanna be fatter) is so much better then unhappiness.

think about it.

you dont want to be more depressed...

Topazia · July 24, 2006

...wow...

Um, *laughs at myself*

I'm rendered speechless. I say it alot, but never as much as now.

it's a purgatorial speechlessness too. not positive or negative.

just...

wow.

um. define purgatorial please. google confuses me.

anyway, i feel bad complaining about my perfect life when yours is so much worse. that sounded better in my head.its just that i feel like a giant whining baby wallowing in selfsorrow when other people have real problems.

im sorry.

Do not feel bad about complaining. Each of has things in our life that seem insignificant to others, but to us as an individual, they are very, very real and very, very consuming. Your life may appear to be perfect, but there may be something else that is not so perfect. Please do not think you are wallowing in self-sorrow. You are allowed to feel the way you do and express these thoughts without criticism.

truth. but i cant help it.i still feel bad..

purgatorial--neutral [purgatory is the place you go when you die until someone decides if your sins outweigh your good deeds, or vice versa.]

Don't mind complaining. Venting really helps when you're all stressed out and no one to talk to. Yeah, it probably did sound better in your head, but I know what you mean. It's always easy to put guilt on yourself abt complaining when you decide others have it worse. I complaining to my best friend who used to be in a gang, and my friend doesn't mind at all that my life wasn't nearly as hectic as theirs.

It's okay to feel bad. Just don't let it get you too down. I hear being depressed makes you gain weight, and I mean that in the nicest way... All my friends that are fit, have positive attitudes, versus my friends with negative outlooks who aren't so in shape. [no, I don't mean you. somehow i know you'll twist that to mean you, lauren...]

I speak from experience. Hey, at least you acknowledge you live in a decent home. Until I entered high school and encountered certain events that coincided with said school change, I hated my home life. My mom raised 2 ADHD kids as a single parent with basic college and air force salary. (very low) She did a pretty decent job. She loves me, tries to give me everything I need and most of what I want (I understand when she says no), and for the most part, I'm the one who yells the most. Ay me, such is the joy of having undiagnosed psychosis... I don't thank her enough, either... I think I'll write her a thankyou note via internet poem.

"being depressed makes you gain weight"

i know isnt that horrible?

i dont know wut i hate being more depressed or fat.

i really cant picture myself either..

grapefruit soda is nasty watered down.

ok, sorry. yeah. sometimes for this reason, I wish I were depressed more extremely than I am... I'd gain weight, and then I'd figure out a way to get over it...

dont wish things like that.

being skinny(when you wanna be fatter) is so much better then unhappiness.

think about it.

you dont want to be more depressed...

:mellow: that's a new one. I thought I was the one who said that kind of thing...

You have a point. I find that I actually lose weight depressed, anyway. I'm a medical anomaly. Besides, it cuts the romance short.

I have to go now. Gotta get paid...

xMyOwnMindx · July 26, 2006

...wow...

Um, *laughs at myself*

I'm rendered speechless. I say it alot, but never as much as now.

it's a purgatorial speechlessness too. not positive or negative.

just...

wow.

um. define purgatorial please. google confuses me.

anyway, i feel bad complaining about my perfect life when yours is so much worse. that sounded better in my head.its just that i feel like a giant whining baby wallowing in selfsorrow when other people have real problems.

im sorry.

Do not feel bad about complaining. Each of has things in our life that seem insignificant to others, but to us as an individual, they are very, very real and very, very consuming. Your life may appear to be perfect, but there may be something else that is not so perfect. Please do not think you are wallowing in self-sorrow. You are allowed to feel the way you do and express these thoughts without criticism.

truth. but i cant help it.i still feel bad..

purgatorial--neutral [purgatory is the place you go when you die until someone decides if your sins outweigh your good deeds, or vice versa.]

Don't mind complaining. Venting really helps when you're all stressed out and no one to talk to. Yeah, it probably did sound better in your head, but I know what you mean. It's always easy to put guilt on yourself abt complaining when you decide others have it worse. I complaining to my best friend who used to be in a gang, and my friend doesn't mind at all that my life wasn't nearly as hectic as theirs.

It's okay to feel bad. Just don't let it get you too down. I hear being depressed makes you gain weight, and I mean that in the nicest way... All my friends that are fit, have positive attitudes, versus my friends with negative outlooks who aren't so in shape. [no, I don't mean you. somehow i know you'll twist that to mean you, lauren...]

I speak from experience. Hey, at least you acknowledge you live in a decent home. Until I entered high school and encountered certain events that coincided with said school change, I hated my home life. My mom raised 2 ADHD kids as a single parent with basic college and air force salary. (very low) She did a pretty decent job. She loves me, tries to give me everything I need and most of what I want (I understand when she says no), and for the most part, I'm the one who yells the most. Ay me, such is the joy of having undiagnosed psychosis... I don't thank her enough, either... I think I'll write her a thankyou note via internet poem.

"being depressed makes you gain weight"

i know isnt that horrible?

i dont know wut i hate being more depressed or fat.

i really cant picture myself either..

grapefruit soda is nasty watered down.

ok, sorry. yeah. sometimes for this reason, I wish I were depressed more extremely than I am... I'd gain weight, and then I'd figure out a way to get over it...

dont wish things like that.

being skinny(when you wanna be fatter) is so much better then unhappiness.

think about it.

you dont want to be more depressed...

that's a new one. I thought I was the one who said that kind of thing...

You have a point. I find that I actually lose weight depressed, anyway. I'm a medical anomaly. Besides, it cuts the romance short.

I have to go now. Gotta get paid...

does that make me smart?

see, if you got more depressed you'd be like nicole richie's weight. unless you are already.

i worship you if you are. cuz thats perfecttttt.

Topazia · July 26, 2006

that's a new one. I thought I was the one who said that kind of thing...

You have a point. I find that I actually lose weight depressed, anyway. I'm a medical anomaly. Besides, it cuts the romance short.

I have to go now. Gotta get paid...

does that make me smart?

see, if you got more depressed you'd be like nicole richie's weight. unless you are already.

i worship you if you are. cuz thats perfecttttt.

yes. You are smart and insightful.

Isn't Ms. Ricci ani? I hope I weigh b/w 97-104, since that's my range. Actually, I hope I weigh 110, bc my scale is always wrong. But I know I'm not.

xMyOwnMindx · July 27, 2006

that's a new one. I thought I was the one who said that kind of thing...

You have a point. I find that I actually lose weight depressed, anyway. I'm a medical anomaly. Besides, it cuts the romance short.

I have to go now. Gotta get paid...

does that make me smart?

see, if you got more depressed you'd be like nicole richie's weight. unless you are already.

i worship you if you are. cuz thats perfecttttt.

yes. You are smart and insightful.

Isn't Ms. Ricci ani? I hope I weigh b/w 97-104, since that's my range. Actually, I hope I weigh 110, bc my scale is always wrong. But I know I'm not.

ana?

yes.

shes 86 pounds.

or she was.

shes light as a feather

i was thinking and i know why i wanna be skinny and short and small.

its because i want my outsides to match how small i feel inside.

i know that sounds dumb, or weird, or wutever. but i really think thats it.

im huge and i feel like i should be tough.

inside im beautiful and tiny.

i wanna match insides with out..

Glowurm · July 27, 2006

Since I can't post links, I copy & paste, mmkay? I put a strikethrough on that part because (imho) that part is incorrect. They also have stuff on bulimia and other eating disorders.

Anorexia nervosa: the relentless pursuit of thinness

Person refuses to maintain normal body weight for age and height.

Weighs 85% or less than what is developmentally expected for age and height.

Person denies the dangers of low weight.

Is terrified of becoming fat.

Is terrified of gaining weight even though s/he is alarmingly underweight.

Reports feeling fat even when emaciated.

In addition, anorexia nervosa often includes depression, irritability, withdrawal, and peculiar behaviors such as compulsive rituals, strange eating habits, and division of foods into "good/safe" and "bad/dangerous" categories. Person may have low tolerance for change and new situations; may fear growing up and assuming adult responsibilities and an adult lifestyle. May be overly engaged with or dependent on parents or family. Dieting may represent avoidance of, or attempts to cope with, the demands of a new life stage such as adolescence.

xMyOwnMindx · July 27, 2006

Since I can't post links, I copy & paste, mmkay? I put a strikethrough on that part because (imho) that part is incorrect. They also have stuff on bulimia and other eating disorders.

Anorexia nervosa: the relentless pursuit of thinness

Person refuses to maintain normal body weight for age and height.

Weighs 85% or less than what is developmentally expected for age and height.

Person denies the dangers of low weight.

Is terrified of becoming fat.

Is terrified of gaining weight even though s/he is alarmingly underweight.

Reports feeling fat even when emaciated.

In addition, anorexia nervosa often includes depression, irritability, withdrawal, and peculiar behaviors such as compulsive rituals, strange eating habits, and division of foods into "good/safe" and "bad/dangerous" categories. Person may have low tolerance for change and new situations; may fear growing up and assuming adult responsibilities and an adult lifestyle. May be overly engaged with or dependent on parents or family. Dieting may represent avoidance of, or attempts to cope with, the demands of a new life stage such as adolescence.

um. i think we all know what Anorexia is...

Topazia · July 27, 2006

that's a new one. I thought I was the one who said that kind of thing...

You have a point. I find that I actually lose weight depressed, anyway. I'm a medical anomaly. Besides, it cuts the romance short.

I have to go now. Gotta get paid...

does that make me smart?

see, if you got more depressed you'd be like nicole richie's weight. unless you are already.

i worship you if you are. cuz thats perfecttttt.

yes. You are smart and insightful.

Isn't Ms. Ricci ani? I hope I weigh b/w 97-104, since that's my range. Actually, I hope I weigh 110, bc my scale is always wrong. But I know I'm not.

ana?

yes.

shes 86 pounds.

or she was.

shes light as a feather

i was thinking and i know why i wanna be skinny and short and small.

its because i want my outsides to match how small i feel inside.

i know that sounds dumb, or weird, or wutever. but i really think thats it.

im huge and i feel like i should be tough.

inside im beautiful and tiny.

i wanna match insides with out..

You're right. Inside, you are gorgeous. I can see that just by reading what you have to say.

Ms. Ricci is unhealthy. She does not look attractive, and she should seek treatment before she goes too far and dies.

Since I can't post links, I copy & paste, mmkay? I put a strikethrough on that part because (imho) that part is incorrect. They also have stuff on bulimia and other eating disorders.

Anorexia nervosa: the relentless pursuit of thinness

you're special. It's a good thing.

Person refuses to maintain normal body weight for age and height.

Weighs 85% or less than what is developmentally expected for age and height.

Person denies the dangers of low weight.

I know people like that. I wish I weighed more...

Is terrified of becoming fat.

I know someone like that. She is my brother's girlfriend, and she is very sweet. She is coming around, though. I'm so happy.

Is terrified of gaining weight even though s/he is alarmingly underweight.

Reports feeling fat even when emaciated.

In addition, anorexia nervosa often includes depression, irritability, withdrawal, and peculiar behaviors such as compulsive rituals, strange eating habits, and division of foods into "good/safe" and "bad/dangerous" categories. Person may have low tolerance for change and new situations; may fear growing up and assuming adult responsibilities and an adult lifestyle. May be overly engaged with or dependent on parents or family. Dieting may represent avoidance of, or attempts to cope with, the demands of a new life stage such as adolescence.

see blue!

xMyOwnMindx · July 27, 2006

that's a new one. I thought I was the one who said that kind of thing...

You have a point. I find that I actually lose weight depressed, anyway. I'm a medical anomaly. Besides, it cuts the romance short.

I have to go now. Gotta get paid...

does that make me smart?

see, if you got more depressed you'd be like nicole richie's weight. unless you are already.

i worship you if you are. cuz thats perfecttttt.

yes. You are smart and insightful.

Isn't Ms. Ricci ani? I hope I weigh b/w 97-104, since that's my range. Actually, I hope I weigh 110, bc my scale is always wrong. But I know I'm not.

ana?

yes.

shes 86 pounds.

or she was.

shes light as a feather

i was thinking and i know why i wanna be skinny and short and small.

its because i want my outsides to match how small i feel inside.

i know that sounds dumb, or weird, or wutever. but i really think thats it.

im huge and i feel like i should be tough.

inside im beautiful and tiny.

i wanna match insides with out..

You're right. Inside, you are gorgeous. I can see that just by reading what you have to say.

Ms. Ricci is unhealthy. She does not look attractive, and she should seek treatment before she goes too far and dies.

Since I can't post links, I copy & paste, mmkay? I put a strikethrough on that part because (imho) that part is incorrect. They also have stuff on bulimia and other eating disorders.

Anorexia nervosa: the relentless pursuit of thinness

you're special. It's a good thing.

Person refuses to maintain normal body weight for age and height.

Weighs 85% or less than what is developmentally expected for age and height.

Person denies the dangers of low weight.

I know people like that. I wish I weighed more...

Is terrified of becoming fat.

I know someone like that. She is my brother's girlfriend, and she is very sweet. She is coming around, though. I'm so happy.

Is terrified of gaining weight even though s/he is alarmingly underweight.

Reports feeling fat even when emaciated.

In addition, anorexia nervosa often includes depression, irritability, withdrawal, and peculiar behaviors such as compulsive rituals, strange eating habits, and division of foods into "good/safe" and "bad/dangerous" categories. Person may have low tolerance for change and new situations; may fear growing up and assuming adult responsibilities and an adult lifestyle. May be overly engaged with or dependent on parents or family. Dieting may represent avoidance of, or attempts to cope with, the demands of a new life stage such as adolescence.

see blue!

i think shes pretty. sick or not. shes little and tiny and small.

everything i want to be.

and sometimes that scares me (that i think and say that)

but i could never get that boney, id have to lose like 70 pounds and thats not gonna happen.

Topazia · July 27, 2006

that's a new one. I thought I was the one who said that kind of thing...

You have a point. I find that I actually lose weight depressed, anyway. I'm a medical anomaly. Besides, it cuts the romance short.

I have to go now. Gotta get paid...

does that make me smart?

see, if you got more depressed you'd be like nicole richie's weight. unless you are already.

i worship you if you are. cuz thats perfecttttt.

yes. You are smart and insightful.

Isn't Ms. Ricci ani? I hope I weigh b/w 97-104, since that's my range. Actually, I hope I weigh 110, bc my scale is always wrong. But I know I'm not.

ana?

yes.

shes 86 pounds.

or she was.

shes light as a feather

i was thinking and i know why i wanna be skinny and short and small.

its because i want my outsides to match how small i feel inside.

i know that sounds dumb, or weird, or wutever. but i really think thats it.

im huge and i feel like i should be tough.

inside im beautiful and tiny.

i wanna match insides with out..

You're right. Inside, you are gorgeous. I can see that just by reading what you have to say.

Ms. Ricci is unhealthy. She does not look attractive, and she should seek treatment before she goes too far and dies.

Since I can't post links, I copy & paste, mmkay? I put a strikethrough on that part because (imho) that part is incorrect. They also have stuff on bulimia and other eating disorders.

Anorexia nervosa: the relentless pursuit of thinness

you're special. It's a good thing.

Person refuses to maintain normal body weight for age and height.

Weighs 85% or less than what is developmentally expected for age and height.

Person denies the dangers of low weight.

I know people like that. I wish I weighed more...

Is terrified of becoming fat.

I know someone like that. She is my brother's girlfriend, and she is very sweet. She is coming around, though. I'm so happy.

Is terrified of gaining weight even though s/he is alarmingly underweight.

Reports feeling fat even when emaciated.

In addition, anorexia nervosa often includes depression, irritability, withdrawal, and peculiar behaviors such as compulsive rituals, strange eating habits, and division of foods into "good/safe" and "bad/dangerous" categories. Person may have low tolerance for change and new situations; may fear growing up and assuming adult responsibilities and an adult lifestyle. May be overly engaged with or dependent on parents or family. Dieting may represent avoidance of, or attempts to cope with, the demands of a new life stage such as adolescence.

see blue!

i think shes pretty. sick or not. shes little and tiny and small.

everything i want to be.

and sometimes that scares me (that i think and say that)

but i could never get that boney, id have to lose like 70 pounds and thats not gonna happen.

you'd be surprised.

xMyOwnMindx · July 27, 2006

that's a new one. I thought I was the one who said that kind of thing...

You have a point. I find that I actually lose weight depressed, anyway. I'm a medical anomaly. Besides, it cuts the romance short.

I have to go now. Gotta get paid...

does that make me smart?

see, if you got more depressed you'd be like nicole richie's weight. unless you are already.

i worship you if you are. cuz thats perfecttttt.

yes. You are smart and insightful.

Isn't Ms. Ricci ani? I hope I weigh b/w 97-104, since that's my range. Actually, I hope I weigh 110, bc my scale is always wrong. But I know I'm not.

ana?

yes.

shes 86 pounds.

or she was.

shes light as a feather

i was thinking and i know why i wanna be skinny and short and small.

its because i want my outsides to match how small i feel inside.

i know that sounds dumb, or weird, or wutever. but i really think thats it.

im huge and i feel like i should be tough.

inside im beautiful and tiny.

i wanna match insides with out..

You're right. Inside, you are gorgeous. I can see that just by reading what you have to say.

Ms. Ricci is unhealthy. She does not look attractive, and she should seek treatment before she goes too far and dies.

Since I can't post links, I copy & paste, mmkay? I put a strikethrough on that part because (imho) that part is incorrect. They also have stuff on bulimia and other eating disorders.

Anorexia nervosa: the relentless pursuit of thinness

you're special. It's a good thing.

Person refuses to maintain normal body weight for age and height.

Weighs 85% or less than what is developmentally expected for age and height.

Person denies the dangers of low weight.

I know people like that. I wish I weighed more...

Is terrified of becoming fat.

I know someone like that. She is my brother's girlfriend, and she is very sweet. She is coming around, though. I'm so happy.

Is terrified of gaining weight even though s/he is alarmingly underweight.

Reports feeling fat even when emaciated.

In addition, anorexia nervosa often includes depression, irritability, withdrawal, and peculiar behaviors such as compulsive rituals, strange eating habits, and division of foods into "good/safe" and "bad/dangerous" categories. Person may have low tolerance for change and new situations; may fear growing up and assuming adult responsibilities and an adult lifestyle. May be overly engaged with or dependent on parents or family. Dieting may represent avoidance of, or attempts to cope with, the demands of a new life stage such as adolescence.

see blue!

i think shes pretty. sick or not. shes little and tiny and small.

everything i want to be.

and sometimes that scares me (that i think and say that)

but i could never get that boney, id have to lose like 70 pounds and thats not gonna happen.

you'd be surprised.

yea. if i like stopped eating completely.

Topazia · July 28, 2006

you'd be surprised.

yea. if i like stopped eating completely.

Go find Karen Carpenter's biography. Go find pictures of her before and after she became vain and narcissistic. You'll know what I mean by "you'd be surprised", when you find that oh, she actually ate quite a bit for an ana. Also, go find Natalie Grant's biography. She was bulemic and borderline ana. She is so beautiful today, it's amazing. I saw her last september. Google anorexic recovery stories and see how many startling pictures and startling stories there are.

I've researched it. It's scary how easy it is to get sucked in.

xMyOwnMindx · July 28, 2006

you'd be surprised.

yea. if i like stopped eating completely.

Go find Karen Carpenter's biography. Go find pictures of her before and after she became vain and narcissistic. You'll know what I mean by "you'd be surprised", when you find that oh, she actually ate quite a bit for an ana. Also, go find Natalie Grant's biography. She was bulemic and borderline ana. She is so beautiful today, it's amazing. I saw her last september. Google anorexic recovery stories and see how many startling pictures and startling stories there are.

I've researched it. It's scary how easy it is to get sucked in.

i know.

to me its like.. i already deal with all the shiv.

i read this stuff and its like "do you want to wake up hating yourself everyday?!" and im like... 'i already do..'

actually i think im gonna find on of those.

Are you looking for ways to "become" anorexic or bulimic? Before you continue on this road, and consider "getting" an ed, ask yourself some questions:

-Do you want to wake up every day for the rest of your life hating yourself and wishing that you didn't exist?

-Do you want to cry, every time you step on the scale, because it's never enough, even when you're losing?

-Do you want to stand in front of a mirror, vainly trying to see what other people see, and not see it, and cry, because you don't know what's happened to you anymore?

-Do you want to feel like you're killing yourself, but feel powerless to stop it?

-Do you want to reach the point where you know you're killing yourself, and don't care anymore?

-Do you want to contemplate suicide every day because you've grown to hate who you are more than you've ever hated anything else in your life?

-Do you want to feel all of your dreams crumbling around you, because you've handed everything over in your life to some blank, bitter driving force?

-Do you want to come to the horrible realization that your control is controlling you?

-Do you want to look back, after years, and think, "what have I done with my life?"only to realize that the answer is nothing?

-Do you want months of your life to disappear into oblivions of weight and exercise? To look back and remember nothing else?

-Do you want everything that you ever cared for to disappear?

-Do you want to die?

i can honestly answer, YES or I ALREADY DO.

to all these things.

Topazia · July 30, 2006

you'd be surprised.

yea. if i like stopped eating completely.

Go find Karen Carpenter's biography. Go find pictures of her before and after she became vain and narcissistic. You'll know what I mean by "you'd be surprised", when you find that oh, she actually ate quite a bit for an ana. Also, go find Natalie Grant's biography. She was bulemic and borderline ana. She is so beautiful today, it's amazing. I saw her last september. Google anorexic recovery stories and see how many startling pictures and startling stories there are.

I've researched it. It's scary how easy it is to get sucked in.

i know.

to me its like.. i already deal with all the shiv.

i read this stuff and its like "do you want to wake up hating yourself everyday?!" and im like... 'i already do..'

actually i think im gonna find on of those.

Are you looking for ways to "become" anorexic or bulimic? Before you continue on this road, and consider "getting" an ed, ask yourself some questions:

-Do you want to wake up every day for the rest of your life hating yourself and wishing that you didn't exist?

-Do you want to cry, every time you step on the scale, because it's never enough, even when you're losing?

-Do you want to stand in front of a mirror, vainly trying to see what other people see, and not see it, and cry, because you don't know what's happened to you anymore?

-Do you want to feel like you're killing yourself, but feel powerless to stop it?

-Do you want to reach the point where you know you're killing yourself, and don't care anymore?

-Do you want to contemplate suicide every day because you've grown to hate who you are more than you've ever hated anything else in your life?

-Do you want to feel all of your dreams crumbling around you, because you've handed everything over in your life to some blank, bitter driving force?

-Do you want to come to the horrible realization that your control is controlling you?

-Do you want to look back, after years, and think, "what have I done with my life?"only to realize that the answer is nothing?

-Do you want months of your life to disappear into oblivions of weight and exercise? To look back and remember nothing else?

-Do you want everything that you ever cared for to disappear?

-Do you want to die?

i can honestly answer, YES or I ALREADY DO.

to all these things.

Let me put it this way.

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost.

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better.

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses.

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside?

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror?

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do?

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape?

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides?

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

:wub:

â™¥â™¥â™¥

xMyOwnMindx · July 31, 2006

you'd be surprised.

yea. if i like stopped eating completely.

Go find Karen Carpenter's biography. Go find pictures of her before and after she became vain and narcissistic. You'll know what I mean by "you'd be surprised", when you find that oh, she actually ate quite a bit for an ana. Also, go find Natalie Grant's biography. She was bulemic and borderline ana. She is so beautiful today, it's amazing. I saw her last september. Google anorexic recovery stories and see how many startling pictures and startling stories there are.

I've researched it. It's scary how easy it is to get sucked in.

i know.

to me its like.. i already deal with all the shiv.

i read this stuff and its like "do you want to wake up hating yourself everyday?!" and im like... 'i already do..'

actually i think im gonna find on of those.

Are you looking for ways to "become" anorexic or bulimic? Before you continue on this road, and consider "getting" an ed, ask yourself some questions:

-Do you want to wake up every day for the rest of your life hating yourself and wishing that you didn't exist?

-Do you want to cry, every time you step on the scale, because it's never enough, even when you're losing?

-Do you want to stand in front of a mirror, vainly trying to see what other people see, and not see it, and cry, because you don't know what's happened to you anymore?

-Do you want to feel like you're killing yourself, but feel powerless to stop it?

-Do you want to reach the point where you know you're killing yourself, and don't care anymore?

-Do you want to contemplate suicide every day because you've grown to hate who you are more than you've ever hated anything else in your life?

-Do you want to feel all of your dreams crumbling around you, because you've handed everything over in your life to some blank, bitter driving force?

-Do you want to come to the horrible realization that your control is controlling you?

-Do you want to look back, after years, and think, "what have I done with my life?"only to realize that the answer is nothing?

-Do you want months of your life to disappear into oblivions of weight and exercise? To look back and remember nothing else?

-Do you want everything that you ever cared for to disappear?

-Do you want to die?

i can honestly answer, YES or I ALREADY DO.

to all these things.

Let me put it this way.

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybe

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want to

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone was

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished for

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it that

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

â™¥â™¥â™¥

(see bold^^^)

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

Topazia · August 3, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.
I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf.

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend?

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do.

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you are lost

you know it but can't make yourself get better

you feel empty even with a great life

in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it

so lonely deep inside

feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror

secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do

you wish everything would go away.

trying to find an escape

trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides

xMyOwnMindx · August 3, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hah

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you are lost

you know it but can't make yourself get better

you feel empty even with a great life

in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it

so lonely deep inside

feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror

secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do

you wish everything would go away.

trying to find an escape

trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides

i am red.

Topazia · August 4, 2006

you are lost

you know it but can't make yourself get better

you feel empty even with a great life

in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it

so lonely deep inside

feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror

secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do

you wish everything would go away.

trying to find an escape

trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides

why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight? Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it? That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you are lost

you know it but can't make yourself get better

you feel empty even with a great life

in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it

so lonely deep inside

feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror

secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do

you wish everything would go away.

trying to find an escape

trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides

i am red.

:)i'm after the red.

xMyOwnMindx · August 5, 2006

you are lost

you know it but can't make yourself get better

you feel empty even with a great life

in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it

so lonely deep inside

feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror

secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do

you wish everything would go away.

trying to find an escape

trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides

why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that.

and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good..

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you are lost

you know it but can't make yourself get better

you feel empty even with a great life

in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it

so lonely deep inside

feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror

secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do

you wish everything would go away.

trying to find an escape

trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides

i am red.

:)i'm after the red.

im purple.

Horatio · August 5, 2006

1. why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

2. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

1. You know why. You know where that topic is to be discussed.

2. Blonde: adjective - (of a woman or a woman's hair) blond.

noun - a blond-haired woman.

Blond: adjective - (of hair) fair or pale yellow

(of a person) having hair of a fair or pale yellow color

(of a person) having fair hair and a light complexion. typically regarded as a racial characteristic

(of wood and other substances) light in color and tone

noun - a person with fair hair and skin

Interesting fact. I had no idea of the difference between the two. I just thought it was a couple different ways to spell the same word. Thank you for that interesting fact.

Horatio · August 5, 2006

i am red.

:)i'm after the red.

im purple.

Thank you for replying all in one color. It makes it much easier to moderate.

xMyOwnMindx · August 5, 2006

i am red.

:)i'm after the red.

im purple.

Thank you for replying all in one color. It makes it much easier to moderate.

ha np.

Topazia · August 5, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that.

and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anythingThey should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, someThat's good.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good..Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

i am red.

:)i'm after the red.

im purple.

i'm after you.

1. why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

2. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

1. You know why. You know where that topic is to be discussed.

2. Blonde: adjective - (of a woman or a woman's hair) blond.

noun - a blond-haired woman.

Blond: adjective - (of hair) fair or pale yellow

(of a person) having hair of a fair or pale yellow color

(of a person) having fair hair and a light complexion. typically regarded as a racial characteristic

(of wood and other substances) light in color and tone

noun - a person with fair hair and skin

Interesting fact. I had no idea of the difference between the two. I just thought it was a couple different ways to spell the same word. Thank you for that interesting fact.

1. Joshua Albright isn't--But--*sputters, trying to make words come out for a while* You are making it very hard to do as I'm told, Horatio. I didn't even save that somewhere, and now it's lost! Now I can't use it on someone else on an unmodded board (which I do visit time to time, even though I prefer here)!

*complains loudly*

Horatio · August 6, 2006

1. Joshua Albright isn't--But--*sputters, trying to make words come out for a while* You are making it very hard to do as I'm told, Horatio. I didn't even save that somewhere, and now it's lost! Now I can't use it on someone else on an unmodded board (which I do visit time to time, even though I prefer here)!

*complains loudly*

My apology. It sounded very much like a discussion that belongs in a different forum. I was just doing what I was told.

xMyOwnMindx · August 6, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean.

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better...

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that.

and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days.

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anythingThey should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, someThat's good.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok..

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good..Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

i am red.

:)i'm after the red.

im purple.

i'm after you.

1. why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

2. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

1. You know why. You know where that topic is to be discussed.

2. Blonde: adjective - (of a woman or a woman's hair) blond.

noun - a blond-haired woman.

Blond: adjective - (of hair) fair or pale yellow

(of a person) having hair of a fair or pale yellow color

(of a person) having fair hair and a light complexion. typically regarded as a racial characteristic

(of wood and other substances) light in color and tone

noun - a person with fair hair and skin

Interesting fact. I had no idea of the difference between the two. I just thought it was a couple different ways to spell the same word. Thank you for that interesting fact.

1. Joshua Albright isn't--But--*sputters, trying to make words come out for a while* You are making it very hard to do as I'm told, Horatio. I didn't even save that somewhere, and now it's lost! Now I can't use it on someone else on an unmodded board (which I do visit time to time, even though I prefer here)!

*complains loudly*

what are you two talking about?

Horatio · August 6, 2006

1. why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

1. You know why. You know where that topic is to be discussed.

1. Joshua Albright isn't--But--*sputters, trying to make words come out for a while* You are making it very hard to do as I'm told, Horatio. I didn't even save that somewhere, and now it's lost! Now I can't use it on someone else on an unmodded board (which I do visit time to time, even though I prefer here)!

*complains loudly*

what are you two talking about?

Topazia posted something that I took as being of a nature that it belonged in a different forum, so I deleted it and she is upset.

xMyOwnMindx · August 7, 2006

1. why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

1. You know why. You know where that topic is to be discussed.

1. Joshua Albright isn't--But--*sputters, trying to make words come out for a while* You are making it very hard to do as I'm told, Horatio. I didn't even save that somewhere, and now it's lost! Now I can't use it on someone else on an unmodded board (which I do visit time to time, even though I prefer here)!

*complains loudly*

what are you two talking about?

Topazia posted something that I took as being of a nature that it belonged in a different forum, so I deleted it and she is upset.

wut forum did you think it belonged in?

Horatio · August 7, 2006

1. why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

1. You know why. You know where that topic is to be discussed.

1. Joshua Albright isn't--But--*sputters, trying to make words come out for a while* You are making it very hard to do as I'm told, Horatio. I didn't even save that somewhere, and now it's lost! Now I can't use it on someone else on an unmodded board (which I do visit time to time, even though I prefer here)!

*complains loudly*

what are you two talking about?

Topazia posted something that I took as being of a nature that it belonged in a different forum, so I deleted it and she is upset.

wut forum did you think it belonged in?

One of Topazia's favorite forums. One you just posted in yesterday.

Topazia · August 7, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me.

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart.

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

what are you two talking about?

1. why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

1. You know why. You know where that topic is to be discussed.

1. Joshua Albright isn't--But--*sputters, trying to make words come out for a while* You are making it very hard to do as I'm told, Horatio. I didn't even save that somewhere, and now it's lost! Now I can't use it on someone else on an unmodded board (which I do visit time to time, even though I prefer here)!

*complains loudly*

what are you two talking about?

Topazia posted something that I took as being of a nature that it belonged in a different forum, so I deleted it and she is upset.that's because I didn't save it! I could have used it again or posted it in the religion forum for future reference, not that it had anything to do with that, and now I can't! Darn it all!

wut forum did you think it belonged in?

One of Topazia's favorite forums. One you just posted in yesterday.

*says the dreaded R word

RELIGION

deal with it. She's fifteen (somewhere around there), horatio. It's not like I'm brainwashing her.

*sour face*

xMyOwnMindx · August 7, 2006

1. why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

1. You know why. You know where that topic is to be discussed.

1. Joshua Albright isn't--But--*sputters, trying to make words come out for a while* You are making it very hard to do as I'm told, Horatio. I didn't even save that somewhere, and now it's lost! Now I can't use it on someone else on an unmodded board (which I do visit time to time, even though I prefer here)!

*complains loudly*

what are you two talking about?

Topazia posted something that I took as being of a nature that it belonged in a different forum, so I deleted it and she is upset.

wut forum did you think it belonged in?

One of Topazia's favorite forums. One you just posted in yesterday.

mm. i have a bad memory and i post everywhere cuz im so bored and i have no life at all.

Topazia · August 7, 2006

hi horatio I see you!

Horatio · August 7, 2006

*says the dreaded R word

RELIGION

deal with it. She's fifteen (somewhere around there), horatio. It's not like I'm brainwashing her.

*sour face*

HampsterKing has said he wants one government and one religion topic. I am abiding by his wishes. So please help me by talking about religion in the religion topic. Thank you.

Topazia · August 7, 2006

*says the dreaded R word

RELIGION

deal with it. She's fifteen (somewhere around there), horatio. It's not like I'm brainwashing her.

*sour face*

HampsterKing has said he wants one government and one religion topic. I am abiding by his wishes. So please help me by talking about religion in the religion topic. Thank you.

so just answer her question. she asked where, didn't she?

Horatio · August 7, 2006

hi horatio I see you!

Nice to see you too!

Topazia · August 7, 2006

hi horatio I see you!

Nice to see you too!

xMyOwnMindx · August 7, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication. well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

what are you two talking about?

1. why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

1. You know why. You know where that topic is to be discussed.

1. Joshua Albright isn't--But--*sputters, trying to make words come out for a while* You are making it very hard to do as I'm told, Horatio. I didn't even save that somewhere, and now it's lost! Now I can't use it on someone else on an unmodded board (which I do visit time to time, even though I prefer here)!

*complains loudly*

what are you two talking about?

Topazia posted something that I took as being of a nature that it belonged in a different forum, so I deleted it and she is upset.that's because I didn't save it! I could have used it again or posted it in the religion forum for future reference, not that it had anything to do with that, and now I can't! Darn it all!

wut forum did you think it belonged in?

One of Topazia's favorite forums. One you just posted in yesterday.

*says the dreaded R word

RELIGION

deal with it. She's fifteen (somewhere around there), horatio. It's not like I'm brainwashing her.

*sour face*

indeed i am 15.

and indeed you are not.

Topazia · August 8, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't?

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact...

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all.

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

what are you two talking about?

1. why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

1. You know why. You know where that topic is to be discussed.

1. Joshua Albright isn't--But--*sputters, trying to make words come out for a while* You are making it very hard to do as I'm told, Horatio. I didn't even save that somewhere, and now it's lost! Now I can't use it on someone else on an unmodded board (which I do visit time to time, even though I prefer here)!

*complains loudly*

what are you two talking about?

Topazia posted something that I took as being of a nature that it belonged in a different forum, so I deleted it and she is upset.that's because I didn't save it! I could have used it again or posted it in the religion forum for future reference, not that it had anything to do with that, and now I can't! Darn it all!

wut forum did you think it belonged in?

One of Topazia's favorite forums. One you just posted in yesterday.

*says the dreaded R word

RELIGION

deal with it. She's fifteen (somewhere around there), horatio. It's not like I'm brainwashing her.

*sour face*

indeed i am 15.

and indeed you are not.

indeed.

I'm older and more mature*sticks out tongue rudely*

IRONY

xMyOwnMindx · August 9, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth.

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger pain

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a fact

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchanged

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeed

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

what are you two talking about?

1. why'd you take it out? that's not fair!

1. You know why. You know where that topic is to be discussed.

1. Joshua Albright isn't--But--*sputters, trying to make words come out for a while* You are making it very hard to do as I'm told, Horatio. I didn't even save that somewhere, and now it's lost! Now I can't use it on someone else on an unmodded board (which I do visit time to time, even though I prefer here)!

*complains loudly*

what are you two talking about?

Topazia posted something that I took as being of a nature that it belonged in a different forum, so I deleted it and she is upset.that's because I didn't save it! I could have used it again or posted it in the religion forum for future reference, not that it had anything to do with that, and now I can't! Darn it all!

wut forum did you think it belonged in?

One of Topazia's favorite forums. One you just posted in yesterday.

*says the dreaded R word

RELIGION

deal with it. She's fifteen (somewhere around there), horatio. It's not like I'm brainwashing her.

*sour face*

indeed i am 15.

and indeed you are not.

indeed.

I'm older and more mature*sticks out tongue rudely*

IRONY

your older.

im wiser.

: P

:]

Topazia · August 10, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?
yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[don't be. she's probably jealous right back.

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth. I don't want perfection, either, but I don't like being sad or lethargic all the time. I'd like a good median...

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?To be affected by others' actions. I am happy when you are happy and healthy. I am sad when you are hurt. I am hurt when it's your own fault.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger painUm, actually, your metabolism slows way down to accomodate the fasting, and it can sometimes make you gain weight. I'm telling you, eat enough to sustain life, but exercise enough to offset the calorie intake.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a factThat's your choice. I'm testifying my own life story for your benifit.

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Aww, how sweet. Give it six more months. You'll find something to argue about, and then he'll say something without meaning it, and it'll hurt deep, because he'll never apologize even if you constantly bring it up, and you'll wish he'd grow up.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchangedIt's not a boundary. It frees me more than anything. It frees me of the fear that I may be wrong. Hey. It's better to live like there's a Supreme Being and find out there isn't, then to live like there isn't and find out there is. Rob has the right idea. You should listen to him. Drugs are negative. You might lose friends, but it's against the law for a reason, my young friend.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeedYou aren't convincing me you agree.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).No, but they know when I get on the phone, and they know that if they come in later and i'm still on, I've broken my curfew. We go mostly on the honor system since if I break it, I lose a whole month with ich.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"well, thnk abotu it. What emotions are exactly going through your mind? Voice would be so much better... too bad we don't know each other personally. Then again, we'd probably never associate if we knew each other in rl...

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you might be wiser, but RHIP Rank Has It's Priveliges.

Like driving! Oh yeah!

xMyOwnMindx · August 10, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[don't be. she's probably jealous right back. jealous of what?!

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth. I don't want perfection, either, but I don't like being sad or lethargic all the time. I'd like a good median... i dont know wut i want.

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?To be affected by others' actions. I am happy when you are happy and healthy. I am sad when you are hurt. I am hurt when it's your own fault.

everyone hurts themselves in one way or another. its like breathing now, i dont even think about it..

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger painUm, actually, your metabolism slows way down to accomodate the fasting, and it can sometimes make you gain weight. I'm telling you, eat enough to sustain life, but exercise enough to offset the calorie intake.

i try to eat under 700 calories a day. and thats alot. sometimes i skip exercising bcuz i am very lazy..

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a factThat's your choice. I'm testifying my own life story for your benifit. mm. life is boring..

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Aww, how sweet. Give it six more months. You'll find something to argue about, and then he'll say something without meaning it, and it'll hurt deep, because he'll never apologize even if you constantly bring it up, and you'll wish he'd grow up. are you trying to make me angry? or just comparing my life to yours? i do argue with rob.. and we work it out. thats the point of being in love. actually, thats a lie, i dont know wut the point is but thats in there.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchangedIt's not a boundary. It frees me more than anything. It frees me of the fear that I may be wrong. Hey. It's better to live like there's a Supreme Being and find out there isn't, then to live like there isn't and find out there is. Rob has the right idea. You should listen to him. Drugs are negative. You might lose friends, but it's against the law for a reason, my young friend. either way, you get fooled. i dont "obey" my boyfriend, he has his veiws and i have mine. we made a compromise but i wouldnt even listen to him tell me to do somthing. i dont give a flying 'unicorn' about the law.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeedYou aren't convincing me you agree. i do agree. hench the last 9 ways ive put it..

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).No, but they know when I get on the phone, and they know that if they come in later and i'm still on, I've broken my curfew. We go mostly on the honor system since if I break it, I lose a whole month with ich. wow.. they treat you like a child.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"well, thnk abotu it. What emotions are exactly going through your mind? Voice would be so much better... too bad we don't know each other personally. Then again, we'd probably never associate if we knew each other in rl... well, i usually dont hang out with religious people cuz we'd argue but thats not nessisarily true. i love your mind, and looks dont define a friendship, so we probably would.

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin ..this ? was just like the "hole" thing

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you might be wiser, but RHIP Rank Has It's Priveliges.

Like driving! Oh yeah!

grr

Topazia · August 11, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[don't be. she's probably jealous right back. jealous of what?! holy cow, you keep getting lighter and lighter with your posts. Soon I won't be able to read it at all! Jealous of you. I'd probably be jealous of a life like yours if I didn't know not to be jealous of people.

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth. I don't want perfection, either, but I don't like being sad or lethargic all the time. I'd like a good median... i dont know wut i want.You should think about it.

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?To be affected by others' actions. I am happy when you are happy and healthy. I am sad when you are hurt. I am hurt when it's your own fault.

everyone hurts themselves in one way or another. its like breathing now, i dont even think about it..Well, I think about it. What my friends do affects me more deeply than it affects them. It's hard to explain without sounding like a total stalker or a creep.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger painUm, actually, your metabolism slows way down to accomodate the fasting, and it can sometimes make you gain weight. I'm telling you, eat enough to sustain life, but exercise enough to offset the calorie intake.

i try to eat under 700 calories a day. and thats alot. sometimes i skip exercising bcuz i am very lazy..that's barely enough to sustain me, Lauren. You need to eat more.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a factThat's your choice. I'm testifying my own life story for your benifit. mm. life is boring..Only sometimes. You can't tell me your life is totally boring.

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Aww, how sweet. Give it six more months. You'll find something to argue about, and then he'll say something without meaning it, and it'll hurt deep, because he'll never apologize even if you constantly bring it up, and you'll wish he'd grow up. are you trying to make me angry? or just comparing my life to yours? i do argue with rob.. and we work it out. thats the point of being in love. actually, thats a lie, i dont know wut the point is but thats in there.Hey, I'm in love, too. I've never stopped loving Ich, and I never will. I'm not trying to make you angry. Yeah, but does he accuse you of things you both know you'd never do? I'll bet he diesn't. I'll also bet Rob isn't bipolar and 76% psychotic, or whatever Ich claims. Being in love doesn't mean you won't fight. If you don't fight, you're too compatible, or you're afraid. The point of love is being able to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It's called agape love, or self-sacrificial love. (uh-GAH-pay) And believe me, I'm full of agape.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchangedIt's not a boundary. It frees me more than anything. It frees me of the fear that I may be wrong. Hey. It's better to live like there's a Supreme Being and find out there isn't, then to live like there isn't and find out there is. Rob has the right idea. You should listen to him. Drugs are negative. You might lose friends, but it's against the law for a reason, my young friend. either way, you get fooled. i dont "obey" my boyfriend, he has his veiws and i have mine. we made a compromise but i wouldnt even listen to him tell me to do somthing. i dont give a flying 'unicorn' about the law. I didn't say obey him. I said listen to him. Take his words to heart. If he's telling you he's against something you are doing, think hard about it. He cares about you enough to tell you. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't tell you to stop, or that he didn't like it. He would let you continue to kill yourself slowly, painfully, without even realizing how many others you are hurting. That's not what love is. If you really love him, listen to him. Think hard about what you are doing. I'm not telling you to submit and obey him, exactly, (though you should do what he says on this one) I'm telling you to listen to what he says.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeedYou aren't convincing me you agree. i do agree. hench the last 9 ways ive put it.. ...You do realize I'm partly teasing you?

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).No, but they know when I get on the phone, and they know that if they come in later and i'm still on, I've broken my curfew. We go mostly on the honor system since if I break it, I lose a whole month with ich. wow.. they treat you like a child. I am a child! I'm under 18; I have to do what they say! And I like some of their boundaries and limits. I plan to use them on my own kids, though maybe not to the same extent. They are way too lienient on their grounding, but I like that they enforce certain rules, like curfew, or like making sure I don't go off alone with Ich for more than like, two hours. (I haven't seen him in a week. It's driving me batty!) I'm glad they're latting us go on a walk Sunday. They weren't going to. And they don't really treat me that much like a child. Only when I break the rules. That's reasonable. That's how I'm going to raise my kids.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"well, thnk abotu it. What emotions are exactly going through your mind? Voice would be so much better... too bad we don't know each other personally. Then again, we'd probably never associate if we knew each other in rl... well, i usually dont hang out with religious people cuz we'd argue but thats not nessisarily true. i love your mind, and looks dont define a friendship, so we probably would.No, it would be on my part. I try not to judge people, but I'm shy, and unless you approach me, the "straightedge", we'd never get to know each other unless we had a class.

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin ..this ? was just like the "hole" thing It's close, but not quite. I asked if you had a hole in your heart and couldn't fill it. This is asking if you ever feel like you yourself are in a hole and can't get out.

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you might be wiser, but RHIP Rank Has It's Priveliges.

Like driving! Oh yeah!

grr

hehe, you know I'm just teasing you about driving.

Hey, at least you go to public school. My classes are so BORING and SHORT. I feel like I'm skipping out on school, and all we talk about is law. While that interests me, it's driving me insane that all my classmates think alike.

<3<3<3

|||

Horatio · August 12, 2006

Being in love doesn't mean you won't fight. If you don't fight, you're too compatible, or you're afraid. The point of love is being able to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It's called agape love, or self-sacrificial love. (uh-GAH-pay) And believe me, I'm full of agape.

Being in love can also mean you DON'T fight. Two people can disagree, and discuss their differences, work out the problem without fighting. This does not mean that they are too compatible or are afraid, it is just that they work out things differently.

You can be in love and not have someone hurt you. Love can be based on friendship and respect and the relationship can flower and grow without hurt. This does not mean that you both will agree about everything, but you can work things out without pain.

Topazia · August 12, 2006

Being in love doesn't mean you won't fight. If you don't fight, you're too compatible, or you're afraid. The point of love is being able to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It's called agape love, or self-sacrificial love. (uh-GAH-pay) And believe me, I'm full of agape.

Being in love can also mean you DON'T fight. Two people can disagree, and discuss their differences, work out the problem without fighting. This does not mean that they are too compatible or are afraid, it is just that they work out things differently.

You can be in love and not have someone hurt you. Love can be based on friendship and respect and the relationship can flower and grow without hurt. This does not mean that you both will agree about everything, but you can work things out without pain.

i have agape for everyone in the world.

yeah, but half the time, we humans aren't perfect. Okay, most of the time. That's not the point. The point is, Humans slip up. A lot. We sya things without realizing the implications, and then when we do realize we've hurt someone, we let pride get in the way of apologiy, and that's when it hurts the most. It's important to remain calm no matter what people do to you, because otherwise, you get hurt a lot. Besides, I'm hurt more by what ppl do to themself than by what they do to me.

xMyOwnMindx · August 12, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[don't be. she's probably jealous right back. jealous of what?! holy cow, you keep getting lighter and lighter with your posts. Soon I won't be able to read it at all! Jealous of you. I'd probably be jealous of a life like yours if I didn't know not to be jealous of people. well, that is understandable, cuz of stuff.. but why would some skinny happy looking 17 year old girl who's got a guy eating out of her palm of her hand, & does wut she wants, for the most part be jealous of some kindafat and kindaugly girl that cant even get a boyfriend in her own town, her own age?

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth. I don't want perfection, either, but I don't like being sad or lethargic all the time. I'd like a good median... i dont know wut i want.You should think about it. like i havnt.

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?To be affected by others' actions. I am happy when you are happy and healthy. I am sad when you are hurt. I am hurt when it's your own fault.

everyone hurts themselves in one way or another. its like breathing now, i dont even think about it..Well, I think about it. What my friends do affects me more deeply than it affects them. It's hard to explain without sounding like a total stalker or a creep. ive grown less attached to people, i dont wanna get hurt.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger painUm, actually, your metabolism slows way down to accomodate the fasting, and it can sometimes make you gain weight. I'm telling you, eat enough to sustain life, but exercise enough to offset the calorie intake.

i try to eat under 700 calories a day. and thats alot. sometimes i skip exercising bcuz i am very lazy..that's barely enough to sustain me, Lauren. You need to eat more. ive been eating SO much. today i ate.. um 110..90..100..200.. 400.. whats that =... like 900. ALOT. probably more then that cuz most of that is guessing. ive gotta hit the treadmill before sleep. if i gain another pound im scared ill cut open my legs. im so ashamed of myself.. EATING GETS ME NOWHERE

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a factThat's your choice. I'm testifying my own life story for your benifit. mm. life is boring..Only sometimes. You can't tell me your life is totally boring. these past few days... ive been so bored and so upset. i burned myself a little today and i told rob and we got in a fight thru texting(i was with family, so we couldnt talk) and i was crying most of the day and it was bad. everything is going downhill again

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Aww, how sweet. Give it six more months. You'll find something to argue about, and then he'll say something without meaning it, and it'll hurt deep, because he'll never apologize even if you constantly bring it up, and you'll wish he'd grow up. are you trying to make me angry? or just comparing my life to yours? i do argue with rob.. and we work it out. thats the point of being in love. actually, thats a lie, i dont know wut the point is but thats in there.Hey, I'm in love, too. I've never stopped loving Ich, and I never will. I'm not trying to make you angry. Yeah, but does he accuse you of things you both know you'd never do? I'll bet he diesn't. I'll also bet Rob isn't bipolar and 76% psychotic, or whatever Ich claims. Being in love doesn't mean you won't fight. If you don't fight, you're too compatible, or you're afraid. The point of love is being able to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It's called agape love, or self-sacrificial love. (uh-GAH-pay) And believe me, I'm full of agape. like the agape house? ha. im not in love, love is so complicated, i dont know wut it is..

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchangedIt's not a boundary. It frees me more than anything. It frees me of the fear that I may be wrong. Hey. It's better to live like there's a Supreme Being and find out there isn't, then to live like there isn't and find out there is. Rob has the right idea. You should listen to him. Drugs are negative. You might lose friends, but it's against the law for a reason, my young friend. either way, you get fooled. i dont "obey" my boyfriend, he has his veiws and i have mine. we made a compromise but i wouldnt even listen to him tell me to do somthing. i dont give a flying 'unicorn' about the law. I didn't say obey him. I said listen to him. Take his words to heart. If he's telling you he's against something you are doing, think hard about it. He cares about you enough to tell you. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't tell you to stop, or that he didn't like it. He would let you continue to kill yourself slowly, painfully, without even realizing how many others you are hurting. That's not what love is. If you really love him, listen to him. Think hard about what you are doing. I'm not telling you to submit and obey him, exactly, (though you should do what he says on this one) I'm telling you to listen to what he says. (see answer above) i do listen.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeedYou aren't convincing me you agree. i do agree. hench the last 9 ways ive put it.. ...You do realize I'm partly teasing you? sure.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).No, but they know when I get on the phone, and they know that if they come in later and i'm still on, I've broken my curfew. We go mostly on the honor system since if I break it, I lose a whole month with ich. wow.. they treat you like a child. I am a child! I'm under 18; I have to do what they say! And I like some of their boundaries and limits. I plan to use them on my own kids, though maybe not to the same extent. They are way too lienient on their grounding, but I like that they enforce certain rules, like curfew, or like making sure I don't go off alone with Ich for more than like, two hours. (I haven't seen him in a week. It's driving me batty!) I'm glad they're latting us go on a walk Sunday. They weren't going to. And they don't really treat me that much like a child. Only when I break the rules. That's reasonable. That's how I'm going to raise my kids. you cant be alone with him for more then 2 hours?! GAH! that stinks. rob takes me to his house at like 1 and i dont check in till like 10. my mom is worried about wut were doing. sometimes its innocent.. like we fall asleep.. and sometimes she really should be. i DO have hormones ya know.haha

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"well, thnk abotu it. What emotions are exactly going through your mind? Voice would be so much better... too bad we don't know each other personally. Then again, we'd probably never associate if we knew each other in rl... well, i usually dont hang out with religious people cuz we'd argue but thats not nessisarily true. i love your mind, and looks dont define a friendship, so we probably would.No, it would be on my part. I try not to judge people, but I'm shy, and unless you approach me, the "straightedge", we'd never get to know each other unless we had a class. mm maybe you are right. i dont "make" friends, i stumble upon people i grow to love and then i meet people thru them...

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin ..this ? was just like the "hole" thing It's close, but not quite. I asked if you had a hole in your heart and couldn't fill it. This is asking if you ever feel like you yourself are in a hole and can't get out. oh. well, indeed i do/have

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you might be wiser, but RHIP Rank Has It's Priveliges.

Like driving! Oh yeah!

grr

hehe, you know I'm just teasing you about driving.

Hey, at least you go to public school. My classes are so BORING and SHORT. I feel like I'm skipping out on school, and all we talk about is law. While that interests me, it's driving me insane that all my classmates think alike.

<3<3<3

|||

public school is like my scale... its a love/hate thing...

Topazia · August 13, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[don't be. she's probably jealous right back. jealous of what?! holy cow, you keep getting lighter and lighter with your posts. Soon I won't be able to read it at all! Jealous of you. I'd probably be jealous of a life like yours if I didn't know not to be jealous of people. well, that is understandable, cuz of stuff.. but why would some skinny happy looking 17 year old girl who's got a guy eating out of her palm of her hand, & does wut she wants, for the most part be jealous of some kindafat and kindaugly girl that cant even get a boyfriend in her own town, her own age?

I have a lot more than a lot of people, but I know I'm not the best. Believe me, Ich doesn't eat out of my hand quite yet, if he ever will. He's an individual person, jsut like me, which means he'll stick up for himself if I cross a line (which doesn't exist). I'll bet you're not kind-anything except crazy. That's sort of okay. I'm crazy. Ich is crazy. Half my core is crqzy, and the other half are as random as we are kuku. If you're that unhappy, why are you living this way? Change is hard, but it was worth it in my case.

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth. I don't want perfection, either, but I don't like being sad or lethargic all the time. I'd like a good median... i dont know wut i want.You should think about it. like i havnt.Wel,, what have you ocme up with so far?

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?To be affected by others' actions. I am happy when you are happy and healthy. I am sad when you are hurt. I am hurt when it's your own fault.

everyone hurts themselves in one way or another. its like breathing now, i dont even think about it..Well, I think about it. What my friends do affects me more deeply than it affects them. It's hard to explain without sounding like a total stalker or a creep. ive grown less attached to people, i dont wanna get hurt.That's understandable. I'm like that. I have to make a conscious effort to stay this way sometimes, but other times I fall naturally into the "innocent giddy girl who loves kids, her mom, and God" category.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger painUm, actually, your metabolism slows way down to accomodate the fasting, and it can sometimes make you gain weight. I'm telling you, eat enough to sustain life, but exercise enough to offset the calorie intake.

i try to eat under 700 calories a day. and thats alot. sometimes i skip exercising bcuz i am very lazy..that's barely enough to sustain me, Lauren. You need to eat more. ive been eating SO much. today i ate.. um 110..90..100..200.. 400.. whats that =... like 900. ALOT. probably more then that cuz most of that is guessing. ive gotta hit the treadmill before sleep. if i gain another pound im scared ill cut open my legs. im so ashamed of myself.. EATING GETS ME NOWHEREWhoa! Slow down a minute! First off, more than 900 IS A GOOD THING, becasue then you aren't depriving yourself from food. Second off, your numbers do equal 900, so good math skills. Third off, don't bother cutting yourself, it only makes you feel worse in the end, and then you think you have to do it again. There's a cycle there! Besdies, Rob would find oujt and you would get in a fight, and then come the wonderful scars that don't looks so hot when you're in a bikini. AND whenever Rob would SEE those marks, he would think back on unpleasant memories of fighting with you, and it'll turn him off. Big time. Does my logic make sense, or am I jsut babbling here?

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a factThat's your choice. I'm testifying my own life story for your benifit. mm. life is boring..Only sometimes. You can't tell me your life is totally boring. these past few days... ive been so bored and so upset. i burned myself a little today and i told rob and we got in a fight thru texting(i was with family, so we couldnt talk) and i was crying most of the day and it was bad. everything is going downhill again Well, maybe you should back up a little and try a less extreme diet. More food, (I can ask my dietician what is good for you), less excercise on the treadmill... I know people who can tell you what you can do to NOT starve yourself and still lose weight. You might gain a pound while your body recovers, but it'll go away and you'll reach an apporpriate weight for your body. If you eat right, like following the food pyramid, and if you exercise the right way, (treadmill isn't always the best) then you'll probably lose weight at the right speed and the right way, so you'll be able to love your body.

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Aww, how sweet. Give it six more months. You'll find something to argue about, and then he'll say something without meaning it, and it'll hurt deep, because he'll never apologize even if you constantly bring it up, and you'll wish he'd grow up. are you trying to make me angry? or just comparing my life to yours? i do argue with rob.. and we work it out. thats the point of being in love. actually, thats a lie, i dont know wut the point is but thats in there.Hey, I'm in love, too. I've never stopped loving Ich, and I never will. I'm not trying to make you angry. Yeah, but does he accuse you of things you both know you'd never do? I'll bet he diesn't. I'll also bet Rob isn't bipolar and 76% psychotic, or whatever Ich claims. Being in love doesn't mean you won't fight. If you don't fight, you're too compatible, or you're afraid. The point of love is being able to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It's called agape love, or self-sacrificial love. (uh-GAH-pay) And believe me, I'm full of agape. like the agape house? ha. im not in love, love is so complicated, i dont know wut it is..

If Rob is your first boyfriend, you aren't in love. If he is your second, or third, or fourth even (in which case I'm jealous again), you probably aren't in love. No, not like the house. Love, in its true form, is a beautiful warm feeling that deosn't go away very easily, if at all. I love it.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchangedIt's not a boundary. It frees me more than anything. It frees me of the fear that I may be wrong. Hey. It's better to live like there's a Supreme Being and find out there isn't, then to live like there isn't and find out there is. Rob has the right idea. You should listen to him. Drugs are negative. You might lose friends, but it's against the law for a reason, my young friend. either way, you get fooled. i dont "obey" my boyfriend, he has his veiws and i have mine. we made a compromise but i wouldnt even listen to him tell me to do somthing. i dont give a flying 'unicorn' about the law. I didn't say obey him. I said listen to him. Take his words to heart. If he's telling you he's against something you are doing, think hard about it. He cares about you enough to tell you. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't tell you to stop, or that he didn't like it. He would let you continue to kill yourself slowly, painfully, without even realizing how many others you are hurting. That's not what love is. If you really love him, listen to him. Think hard about what you are doing. I'm not telling you to submit and obey him, exactly, (though you should do what he says on this one) I'm telling you to listen to what he says. (see answer above) i do listen.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeedYou aren't convincing me you agree. i do agree. hench the last 9 ways ive put it.. ...You do realize I'm partly teasing you? sure.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).No, but they know when I get on the phone, and they know that if they come in later and i'm still on, I've broken my curfew. We go mostly on the honor system since if I break it, I lose a whole month with ich. wow.. they treat you like a child. I am a child! I'm under 18; I have to do what they say! And I like some of their boundaries and limits. I plan to use them on my own kids, though maybe not to the same extent. They are way too lienient on their grounding, but I like that they enforce certain rules, like curfew, or like making sure I don't go off alone with Ich for more than like, two hours. (I haven't seen him in a week. It's driving me batty!) I'm glad they're latting us go on a walk Sunday. They weren't going to. And they don't really treat me that much like a child. Only when I break the rules. That's reasonable. That's how I'm going to raise my kids. you cant be alone with him for more then 2 hours?! GAH! that stinks. rob takes me to his house at like 1 and i dont check in till like 10. my mom is worried about wut were doing. sometimes its innocent.. like we fall asleep.. and sometimes she really should be. i DO have hormones ya know.haha

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"well, thnk abotu it. What emotions are exactly going through your mind? Voice would be so much better... too bad we don't know each other personally. Then again, we'd probably never associate if we knew each other in rl... well, i usually dont hang out with religious people cuz we'd argue but thats not nessisarily true. i love your mind, and looks dont define a friendship, so we probably would.No, it would be on my part. I try not to judge people, but I'm shy, and unless you approach me, the "straightedge", we'd never get to know each other unless we had a class. mm maybe you are right. i dont "make" friends, i stumble upon people i grow to love and then i meet people thru them...

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin ..this ? was just like the "hole" thing It's close, but not quite. I asked if you had a hole in your heart and couldn't fill it. This is asking if you ever feel like you yourself are in a hole and can't get out. oh. well, indeed i do/have

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you might be wiser, but RHIP Rank Has It's Priveliges.

Like driving! Oh yeah!

grr

hehe, you know I'm just teasing you about driving.

Hey, at least you go to public school. My classes are so BORING and SHORT. I feel like I'm skipping out on school, and all we talk about is law. While that interests me, it's driving me insane that all my classmates think alike.

<3<3<3

|||

public school is like my scale... its a love/hate thing...

xMyOwnMindx · August 14, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[don't be. she's probably jealous right back. jealous of what?! holy cow, you keep getting lighter and lighter with your posts. Soon I won't be able to read it at all! Jealous of you. I'd probably be jealous of a life like yours if I didn't know not to be jealous of people. well, that is understandable, cuz of stuff.. but why would some skinny happy looking 17 year old girl who's got a guy eating out of her palm of her hand, & does wut she wants, for the most part be jealous of some kindafat and kindaugly girl that cant even get a boyfriend in her own town, her own age?

I have a lot more than a lot of people, but I know I'm not the best. Believe me, Ich doesn't eat out of my hand quite yet, if he ever will. He's an individual person, jsut like me, which means he'll stick up for himself if I cross a line (which doesn't exist). I'll bet you're not kind-anything except crazy. That's sort of okay. I'm crazy. Ich is crazy. Half my core is crqzy, and the other half are as random as we are kuku. If you're that unhappy, why are you living this way? Change is hard, but it was worth it in my case. change what though?

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth. I don't want perfection, either, but I don't like being sad or lethargic all the time. I'd like a good median... i dont know wut i want.You should think about it. like i havnt.Wel,, what have you ocme up with so far? i wanna live through tomorrow..

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?To be affected by others' actions. I am happy when you are happy and healthy. I am sad when you are hurt. I am hurt when it's your own fault.

everyone hurts themselves in one way or another. its like breathing now, i dont even think about it..Well, I think about it. What my friends do affects me more deeply than it affects them. It's hard to explain without sounding like a total stalker or a creep. ive grown less attached to people, i dont wanna get hurt.That's understandable. I'm like that. I have to make a conscious effort to stay this way sometimes, but other times I fall naturally into the "innocent giddy girl who loves kids, her mom, and God" category. mm.i know that feeling.. minus the god part.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger painUm, actually, your metabolism slows way down to accomodate the fasting, and it can sometimes make you gain weight. I'm telling you, eat enough to sustain life, but exercise enough to offset the calorie intake.

i try to eat under 700 calories a day. and thats alot. sometimes i skip exercising bcuz i am very lazy..that's barely enough to sustain me, Lauren. You need to eat more. ive been eating SO much. today i ate.. um 110..90..100..200.. 400.. whats that =... like 900. ALOT. probably more then that cuz most of that is guessing. ive gotta hit the treadmill before sleep. if i gain another pound im scared ill cut open my legs. im so ashamed of myself.. EATING GETS ME NOWHEREWhoa! Slow down a minute! First off, more than 900 IS A GOOD THING, becasue then you aren't depriving yourself from food. Second off, your numbers do equal 900, so good math skills. Third off, don't bother cutting yourself, it only makes you feel worse in the end, and then you think you have to do it again. There's a cycle there! Besdies, Rob would find oujt and you would get in a fight, and then come the wonderful scars that don't looks so hot when you're in a bikini. AND whenever Rob would SEE those marks, he would think back on unpleasant memories of fighting with you, and it'll turn him off. Big time. Does my logic make sense, or am I jsut babbling here? first off, it was WELL over 900 when i added up everything i ate in the end. i cried. rob had to calm me down. second i used a calculator. im horrible at math.2nd, i havnt cut in forever. but i did burn myself. and i told rob and we did fight and the scars are little cuz the burns were little. third, i would never dare put my huge butt(stomach,arms,legs,face, fingers,feet OR butt) in a bikini, no one, including myself, wants to see that. *throws up* 4th, the marks are too small to see (its just dots on my wrist) 5th, SOMETHING needs to turn that boy off.. OMG..

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a factThat's your choice. I'm testifying my own life story for your benifit. mm. life is boring..Only sometimes. You can't tell me your life is totally boring. these past few days... ive been so bored and so upset. i burned myself a little today and i told rob and we got in a fight thru texting(i was with family, so we couldnt talk) and i was crying most of the day and it was bad. everything is going downhill again Well, maybe you should back up a little and try a less extreme diet. More food, (I can ask my dietician what is good for you), less excercise on the treadmill... I know people who can tell you what you can do to NOT starve yourself and still lose weight. You might gain a pound while your body recovers, but it'll go away and you'll reach an apporpriate weight for your body. If you eat right, like following the food pyramid, and if you exercise the right way, (treadmill isn't always the best) then you'll probably lose weight at the right speed and the right way, so you'll be able to love your body.i'm no where near loving my body, i hope i can someday, but not untill ive lost at least 20/30 pounds.. ive been eating alot. i wanted to be 8 pounds lighter then my CW by next sunday. instead, ill be in tears. im not starving myself. and the treadmill is all i have. and god be my wittness, im gonna use it. i know its bad(now) but i walk/run alot w/o shoes. thats gonna change.. ive cut up the bottoms of my feet and they hurt :[ secondly(or wutever) i do more then the treadmill.... my daily plan is 300 crunches,45 pushups,150 lunges,50 calf raises,50 candles and run at least 100 calories off.

im lazy. i do the cunches, and 1/2 or less of everything else. i hope i get back to my rutien though. im gaining and im crying and i hate it. i need new clothes for school and id like to NOT cry in a dressing room for once in a few years... i cant go easy on myself anymore. im never gonna be the way i want if i do. and i wanna be beautiful for rob. he deserves a thin, pretty, dainty little girlfriend... not a huge luggs-herself-around person like he has. i cant wait till school.. im gonna loose so much faster :]

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Aww, how sweet. Give it six more months. You'll find something to argue about, and then he'll say something without meaning it, and it'll hurt deep, because he'll never apologize even if you constantly bring it up, and you'll wish he'd grow up. are you trying to make me angry? or just comparing my life to yours? i do argue with rob.. and we work it out. thats the point of being in love. actually, thats a lie, i dont know wut the point is but thats in there.Hey, I'm in love, too. I've never stopped loving Ich, and I never will. I'm not trying to make you angry. Yeah, but does he accuse you of things you both know you'd never do? I'll bet he diesn't. I'll also bet Rob isn't bipolar and 76% psychotic, or whatever Ich claims. Being in love doesn't mean you won't fight. If you don't fight, you're too compatible, or you're afraid. The point of love is being able to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It's called agape love, or self-sacrificial love. (uh-GAH-pay) And believe me, I'm full of agape. like the agape house? ha. im not in love, love is so complicated, i dont know wut it is..

If Rob is your first boyfriend, you aren't in love. If he is your second, or third, or fourth even (in which case I'm jealous again), you probably aren't in love. No, not like the house. Love, in its true form, is a beautiful warm feeling that deosn't go away very easily, if at all. I love it. he's my 2nd. and i know im not in love, but its the closest thing ive ever felt and im gonna die when he leaves me..

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchangedIt's not a boundary. It frees me more than anything. It frees me of the fear that I may be wrong. Hey. It's better to live like there's a Supreme Being and find out there isn't, then to live like there isn't and find out there is. Rob has the right idea. You should listen to him. Drugs are negative. You might lose friends, but it's against the law for a reason, my young friend. either way, you get fooled. i dont "obey" my boyfriend, he has his veiws and i have mine. we made a compromise but i wouldnt even listen to him tell me to do somthing. i dont give a flying 'unicorn' about the law. I didn't say obey him. I said listen to him. Take his words to heart. If he's telling you he's against something you are doing, think hard about it. He cares about you enough to tell you. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't tell you to stop, or that he didn't like it. He would let you continue to kill yourself slowly, painfully, without even realizing how many others you are hurting. That's not what love is. If you really love him, listen to him. Think hard about what you are doing. I'm not telling you to submit and obey him, exactly, (though you should do what he says on this one) I'm telling you to listen to what he says. (see answer above) i do listen.

answer?

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeedYou aren't convincing me you agree. i do agree. hench the last 9 ways ive put it.. ...You do realize I'm partly teasing you? sure.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).No, but they know when I get on the phone, and they know that if they come in later and i'm still on, I've broken my curfew. We go mostly on the honor system since if I break it, I lose a whole month with ich. wow.. they treat you like a child. I am a child! I'm under 18; I have to do what they say! And I like some of their boundaries and limits. I plan to use them on my own kids, though maybe not to the same extent. They are way too lienient on their grounding, but I like that they enforce certain rules, like curfew, or like making sure I don't go off alone with Ich for more than like, two hours. (I haven't seen him in a week. It's driving me batty!) I'm glad they're latting us go on a walk Sunday. They weren't going to. And they don't really treat me that much like a child. Only when I break the rules. That's reasonable. That's how I'm going to raise my kids. you cant be alone with him for more then 2 hours?! GAH! that stinks. rob takes me to his house at like 1 and i dont check in till like 10. my mom is worried about wut were doing. sometimes its innocent.. like we fall asleep.. and sometimes she really should be. i DO have hormones ya know.haha

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"well, thnk abotu it. What emotions are exactly going through your mind? Voice would be so much better... too bad we don't know each other personally. Then again, we'd probably never associate if we knew each other in rl... well, i usually dont hang out with religious people cuz we'd argue but thats not nessisarily true. i love your mind, and looks dont define a friendship, so we probably would.No, it would be on my part. I try not to judge people, but I'm shy, and unless you approach me, the "straightedge", we'd never get to know each other unless we had a class. mm maybe you are right. i dont "make" friends, i stumble upon people i grow to love and then i meet people thru them...

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin ..this ? was just like the "hole" thing It's close, but not quite. I asked if you had a hole in your heart and couldn't fill it. This is asking if you ever feel like you yourself are in a hole and can't get out. oh. well, indeed i do/have

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you might be wiser, but RHIP Rank Has It's Priveliges.

Like driving! Oh yeah!

grr

hehe, you know I'm just teasing you about driving.

Hey, at least you go to public school. My classes are so BORING and SHORT. I feel like I'm skipping out on school, and all we talk about is law. While that interests me, it's driving me insane that all my classmates think alike.

<3<3<3

|||

public school is like my scale... its a love/hate thing...

you didnt answer have them..

Topazia · August 14, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[don't be. she's probably jealous right back. jealous of what?! holy cow, you keep getting lighter and lighter with your posts. Soon I won't be able to read it at all! Jealous of you. I'd probably be jealous of a life like yours if I didn't know not to be jealous of people. well, that is understandable, cuz of stuff.. but why would some skinny happy looking 17 year old girl who's got a guy eating out of her palm of her hand, & does wut she wants, for the most part be jealous of some kindafat and kindaugly girl that cant even get a boyfriend in her own town, her own age?

I have a lot more than a lot of people, but I know I'm not the best. Believe me, Ich doesn't eat out of my hand quite yet, if he ever will. He's an individual person, jsut like me, which means he'll stick up for himself if I cross a line (which doesn't exist). I'll bet you're not kind-anything except crazy. That's sort of okay. I'm crazy. Ich is crazy. Half my core is crqzy, and the other half are as random as we are kuku. If you're that unhappy, why are you living this way? Change is hard, but it was worth it in my case. change what though?

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth. I don't want perfection, either, but I don't like being sad or lethargic all the time. I'd like a good median... i dont know wut i want.You should think about it. like i havnt.Wel,, what have you ocme up with so far? i wanna live through tomorrow..

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?To be affected by others' actions. I am happy when you are happy and healthy. I am sad when you are hurt. I am hurt when it's your own fault.

everyone hurts themselves in one way or another. its like breathing now, i dont even think about it..Well, I think about it. What my friends do affects me more deeply than it affects them. It's hard to explain without sounding like a total stalker or a creep. ive grown less attached to people, i dont wanna get hurt.That's understandable. I'm like that. I have to make a conscious effort to stay this way sometimes, but other times I fall naturally into the "innocent giddy girl who loves kids, her mom, and God" category. mm.i know that feeling.. minus the god part.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger painUm, actually, your metabolism slows way down to accomodate the fasting, and it can sometimes make you gain weight. I'm telling you, eat enough to sustain life, but exercise enough to offset the calorie intake.

i try to eat under 700 calories a day. and thats alot. sometimes i skip exercising bcuz i am very lazy..that's barely enough to sustain me, Lauren. You need to eat more. ive been eating SO much. today i ate.. um 110..90..100..200.. 400.. whats that =... like 900. ALOT. probably more then that cuz most of that is guessing. ive gotta hit the treadmill before sleep. if i gain another pound im scared ill cut open my legs. im so ashamed of myself.. EATING GETS ME NOWHEREWhoa! Slow down a minute! First off, more than 900 IS A GOOD THING, becasue then you aren't depriving yourself from food. Second off, your numbers do equal 900, so good math skills. Third off, don't bother cutting yourself, it only makes you feel worse in the end, and then you think you have to do it again. There's a cycle there! Besdies, Rob would find oujt and you would get in a fight, and then come the wonderful scars that don't looks so hot when you're in a bikini. AND whenever Rob would SEE those marks, he would think back on unpleasant memories of fighting with you, and it'll turn him off. Big time. Does my logic make sense, or am I jsut babbling here? first off, it was WELL over 900 when i added up everything i ate in the end. i cried. rob had to calm me down. second i used a calculator. im horrible at math.2nd, i havnt cut in forever. but i did burn myself. and i told rob and we did fight and the scars are little cuz the burns were little. third, i would never dare put my huge butt(stomach,arms,legs,face, fingers,feet OR butt) in a bikini, no one, including myself, wants to see that. *throws up* 4th, the marks are too small to see (its just dots on my wrist) 5th, SOMETHING needs to turn that boy off.. OMG..

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a factThat's your choice. I'm testifying my own life story for your benifit. mm. life is boring..Only sometimes. You can't tell me your life is totally boring. these past few days... ive been so bored and so upset. i burned myself a little today and i told rob and we got in a fight thru texting(i was with family, so we couldnt talk) and i was crying most of the day and it was bad. everything is going downhill again Well, maybe you should back up a little and try a less extreme diet. More food, (I can ask my dietician what is good for you), less excercise on the treadmill... I know people who can tell you what you can do to NOT starve yourself and still lose weight. You might gain a pound while your body recovers, but it'll go away and you'll reach an apporpriate weight for your body. If you eat right, like following the food pyramid, and if you exercise the right way, (treadmill isn't always the best) then you'll probably lose weight at the right speed and the right way, so you'll be able to love your body.i'm no where near loving my body, i hope i can someday, but not untill ive lost at least 20/30 pounds.. ive been eating alot. i wanted to be 8 pounds lighter then my CW by next sunday. instead, ill be in tears. im not starving myself. and the treadmill is all i have. and god be my wittness, im gonna use it. i know its bad(now) but i walk/run alot w/o shoes. thats gonna change.. ive cut up the bottoms of my feet and they hurt :[ secondly(or wutever) i do more then the treadmill.... my daily plan is 300 crunches,45 pushups,150 lunges,50 calf raises,50 candles and run at least 100 calories off.

im lazy. i do the cunches, and 1/2 or less of everything else. i hope i get back to my rutien though. im gaining and im crying and i hate it. i need new clothes for school and id like to NOT cry in a dressing room for once in a few years... i cant go easy on myself anymore. im never gonna be the way i want if i do. and i wanna be beautiful for rob. he deserves a thin, pretty, dainty little girlfriend... not a huge luggs-herself-around person like he has. i cant wait till school.. im gonna loose so much faster :]

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Aww, how sweet. Give it six more months. You'll find something to argue about, and then he'll say something without meaning it, and it'll hurt deep, because he'll never apologize even if you constantly bring it up, and you'll wish he'd grow up. are you trying to make me angry? or just comparing my life to yours? i do argue with rob.. and we work it out. thats the point of being in love. actually, thats a lie, i dont know wut the point is but thats in there.Hey, I'm in love, too. I've never stopped loving Ich, and I never will. I'm not trying to make you angry. Yeah, but does he accuse you of things you both know you'd never do? I'll bet he diesn't. I'll also bet Rob isn't bipolar and 76% psychotic, or whatever Ich claims. Being in love doesn't mean you won't fight. If you don't fight, you're too compatible, or you're afraid. The point of love is being able to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It's called agape love, or self-sacrificial love. (uh-GAH-pay) And believe me, I'm full of agape. like the agape house? ha. im not in love, love is so complicated, i dont know wut it is..

If Rob is your first boyfriend, you aren't in love. If he is your second, or third, or fourth even (in which case I'm jealous again), you probably aren't in love. No, not like the house. Love, in its true form, is a beautiful warm feeling that deosn't go away very easily, if at all. I love it. he's my 2nd. and i know im not in love, but its the closest thing ive ever felt and im gonna die when he leaves me..

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchangedIt's not a boundary. It frees me more than anything. It frees me of the fear that I may be wrong. Hey. It's better to live like there's a Supreme Being and find out there isn't, then to live like there isn't and find out there is. Rob has the right idea. You should listen to him. Drugs are negative. You might lose friends, but it's against the law for a reason, my young friend. either way, you get fooled. i dont "obey" my boyfriend, he has his veiws and i have mine. we made a compromise but i wouldnt even listen to him tell me to do somthing. i dont give a flying 'unicorn' about the law. I didn't say obey him. I said listen to him. Take his words to heart. If he's telling you he's against something you are doing, think hard about it. He cares about you enough to tell you. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't tell you to stop, or that he didn't like it. He would let you continue to kill yourself slowly, painfully, without even realizing how many others you are hurting. That's not what love is. If you really love him, listen to him. Think hard about what you are doing. I'm not telling you to submit and obey him, exactly, (though you should do what he says on this one) I'm telling you to listen to what he says. (see answer above) i do listen.

answer?sorry, i tried to finish on the next post, but i guess H thought I put it in twice. No, I'm glad you listen, now take it to heart. I'll answer the rest when you answer the ones I forgot.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeedYou aren't convincing me you agree. i do agree. hench the last 9 ways ive put it.. ...You do realize I'm partly teasing you? sure.

good.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).No, but they know when I get on the phone, and they know that if they come in later and i'm still on, I've broken my curfew. We go mostly on the honor system since if I break it, I lose a whole month with ich. wow.. they treat you like a child. I am a child! I'm under 18; I have to do what they say! And I like some of their boundaries and limits. I plan to use them on my own kids, though maybe not to the same extent. They are way too lienient on their grounding, but I like that they enforce certain rules, like curfew, or like making sure I don't go off alone with Ich for more than like, two hours. (I haven't seen him in a week. It's driving me batty!) I'm glad they're latting us go on a walk Sunday. They weren't going to. And they don't really treat me that much like a child. Only when I break the rules. That's reasonable. That's how I'm going to raise my kids. you cant be alone with him for more then 2 hours?! GAH! that stinks. rob takes me to his house at like 1 and i dont check in till like 10. my mom is worried about wut were doing. sometimes its innocent.. like we fall asleep.. and sometimes she really should be. i DO have hormones ya know.haha

Hey, I value two straight hours with my boy. As busy as I am with school and work and my internship... It's crazy! Hormones are fun. Especially when I can tease Rob to no end and not be afraid of him.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"well, thnk abotu it. What emotions are exactly going through your mind? Voice would be so much better... too bad we don't know each other personally. Then again, we'd probably never associate if we knew each other in rl... well, i usually dont hang out with religious people cuz we'd argue but thats not nessisarily true. i love your mind, and looks dont define a friendship, so we probably would.No, it would be on my part. I try not to judge people, but I'm shy, and unless you approach me, the "straightedge", we'd never get to know each other unless we had a class. mm maybe you are right. i dont "make" friends, i stumble upon people i grow to love and then i meet people thru them...

that makes two of us.

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin ..this ? was just like the "hole" thing It's close, but not quite. I asked if you had a hole in your heart and couldn't fill it. This is asking if you ever feel like you yourself are in a hole and can't get out. oh. well, indeed i do/have

I'll sound like a shrink, but... How does that make you feel?

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you might be wiser, but RHIP Rank Has It's Priveliges.

Like driving! Oh yeah!

grr

hehe, you know I'm just teasing you about driving.

Hey, at least you go to public school. My classes are so BORING and SHORT. I feel like I'm skipping out on school, and all we talk about is law. While that interests me, it's driving me insane that all my classmates think alike.

<3<3<3

|||

public school is like my scale... its a love/hate thing...

you didnt answer have them..

sorry, I got ahead of myself. Answer these and I'll get back on track.

xMyOwnMindx · August 14, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[don't be. she's probably jealous right back. jealous of what?! holy cow, you keep getting lighter and lighter with your posts. Soon I won't be able to read it at all! Jealous of you. I'd probably be jealous of a life like yours if I didn't know not to be jealous of people. well, that is understandable, cuz of stuff.. but why would some skinny happy looking 17 year old girl who's got a guy eating out of her palm of her hand, & does wut she wants, for the most part be jealous of some kindafat and kindaugly girl that cant even get a boyfriend in her own town, her own age?

I have a lot more than a lot of people, but I know I'm not the best. Believe me, Ich doesn't eat out of my hand quite yet, if he ever will. He's an individual person, jsut like me, which means he'll stick up for himself if I cross a line (which doesn't exist). I'll bet you're not kind-anything except crazy. That's sort of okay. I'm crazy. Ich is crazy. Half my core is crqzy, and the other half are as random as we are kuku. If you're that unhappy, why are you living this way? Change is hard, but it was worth it in my case. change what though?

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth. I don't want perfection, either, but I don't like being sad or lethargic all the time. I'd like a good median... i dont know wut i want.You should think about it. like i havnt.Wel,, what have you ocme up with so far? i wanna live through tomorrow..

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?To be affected by others' actions. I am happy when you are happy and healthy. I am sad when you are hurt. I am hurt when it's your own fault.

everyone hurts themselves in one way or another. its like breathing now, i dont even think about it..Well, I think about it. What my friends do affects me more deeply than it affects them. It's hard to explain without sounding like a total stalker or a creep. ive grown less attached to people, i dont wanna get hurt.That's understandable. I'm like that. I have to make a conscious effort to stay this way sometimes, but other times I fall naturally into the "innocent giddy girl who loves kids, her mom, and God" category. mm.i know that feeling.. minus the god part.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger painUm, actually, your metabolism slows way down to accomodate the fasting, and it can sometimes make you gain weight. I'm telling you, eat enough to sustain life, but exercise enough to offset the calorie intake.

i try to eat under 700 calories a day. and thats alot. sometimes i skip exercising bcuz i am very lazy..that's barely enough to sustain me, Lauren. You need to eat more. ive been eating SO much. today i ate.. um 110..90..100..200.. 400.. whats that =... like 900. ALOT. probably more then that cuz most of that is guessing. ive gotta hit the treadmill before sleep. if i gain another pound im scared ill cut open my legs. im so ashamed of myself.. EATING GETS ME NOWHEREWhoa! Slow down a minute! First off, more than 900 IS A GOOD THING, becasue then you aren't depriving yourself from food. Second off, your numbers do equal 900, so good math skills. Third off, don't bother cutting yourself, it only makes you feel worse in the end, and then you think you have to do it again. There's a cycle there! Besdies, Rob would find oujt and you would get in a fight, and then come the wonderful scars that don't looks so hot when you're in a bikini. AND whenever Rob would SEE those marks, he would think back on unpleasant memories of fighting with you, and it'll turn him off. Big time. Does my logic make sense, or am I jsut babbling here? first off, it was WELL over 900 when i added up everything i ate in the end. i cried. rob had to calm me down. second i used a calculator. im horrible at math.2nd, i havnt cut in forever. but i did burn myself. and i told rob and we did fight and the scars are little cuz the burns were little. third, i would never dare put my huge butt(stomach,arms,legs,face, fingers,feet OR butt) in a bikini, no one, including myself, wants to see that. *throws up* 4th, the marks are too small to see (its just dots on my wrist) 5th, SOMETHING needs to turn that boy off.. OMG..

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a factThat's your choice. I'm testifying my own life story for your benifit. mm. life is boring..Only sometimes. You can't tell me your life is totally boring. these past few days... ive been so bored and so upset. i burned myself a little today and i told rob and we got in a fight thru texting(i was with family, so we couldnt talk) and i was crying most of the day and it was bad. everything is going downhill again Well, maybe you should back up a little and try a less extreme diet. More food, (I can ask my dietician what is good for you), less excercise on the treadmill... I know people who can tell you what you can do to NOT starve yourself and still lose weight. You might gain a pound while your body recovers, but it'll go away and you'll reach an apporpriate weight for your body. If you eat right, like following the food pyramid, and if you exercise the right way, (treadmill isn't always the best) then you'll probably lose weight at the right speed and the right way, so you'll be able to love your body.i'm no where near loving my body, i hope i can someday, but not untill ive lost at least 20/30 pounds.. ive been eating alot. i wanted to be 8 pounds lighter then my CW by next sunday. instead, ill be in tears. im not starving myself. and the treadmill is all i have. and god be my wittness, im gonna use it. i know its bad(now) but i walk/run alot w/o shoes. thats gonna change.. ive cut up the bottoms of my feet and they hurt :[ secondly(or wutever) i do more then the treadmill.... my daily plan is 300 crunches,45 pushups,150 lunges,50 calf raises,50 candles and run at least 100 calories off.

im lazy. i do the cunches, and 1/2 or less of everything else. i hope i get back to my rutien though. im gaining and im crying and i hate it. i need new clothes for school and id like to NOT cry in a dressing room for once in a few years... i cant go easy on myself anymore. im never gonna be the way i want if i do. and i wanna be beautiful for rob. he deserves a thin, pretty, dainty little girlfriend... not a huge luggs-herself-around person like he has. i cant wait till school.. im gonna loose so much faster :]

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Aww, how sweet. Give it six more months. You'll find something to argue about, and then he'll say something without meaning it, and it'll hurt deep, because he'll never apologize even if you constantly bring it up, and you'll wish he'd grow up. are you trying to make me angry? or just comparing my life to yours? i do argue with rob.. and we work it out. thats the point of being in love. actually, thats a lie, i dont know wut the point is but thats in there.Hey, I'm in love, too. I've never stopped loving Ich, and I never will. I'm not trying to make you angry. Yeah, but does he accuse you of things you both know you'd never do? I'll bet he diesn't. I'll also bet Rob isn't bipolar and 76% psychotic, or whatever Ich claims. Being in love doesn't mean you won't fight. If you don't fight, you're too compatible, or you're afraid. The point of love is being able to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It's called agape love, or self-sacrificial love. (uh-GAH-pay) And believe me, I'm full of agape. like the agape house? ha. im not in love, love is so complicated, i dont know wut it is..

If Rob is your first boyfriend, you aren't in love. If he is your second, or third, or fourth even (in which case I'm jealous again), you probably aren't in love. No, not like the house. Love, in its true form, is a beautiful warm feeling that deosn't go away very easily, if at all. I love it. he's my 2nd. and i know im not in love, but its the closest thing ive ever felt and im gonna die when he leaves me..

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchangedIt's not a boundary. It frees me more than anything. It frees me of the fear that I may be wrong. Hey. It's better to live like there's a Supreme Being and find out there isn't, then to live like there isn't and find out there is. Rob has the right idea. You should listen to him. Drugs are negative. You might lose friends, but it's against the law for a reason, my young friend. either way, you get fooled. i dont "obey" my boyfriend, he has his veiws and i have mine. we made a compromise but i wouldnt even listen to him tell me to do somthing. i dont give a flying 'unicorn' about the law. I didn't say obey him. I said listen to him. Take his words to heart. If he's telling you he's against something you are doing, think hard about it. He cares about you enough to tell you. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't tell you to stop, or that he didn't like it. He would let you continue to kill yourself slowly, painfully, without even realizing how many others you are hurting. That's not what love is. If you really love him, listen to him. Think hard about what you are doing. I'm not telling you to submit and obey him, exactly, (though you should do what he says on this one) I'm telling you to listen to what he says. (see answer above) i do listen.

answer?sorry, i tried to finish on the next post, but i guess H thought I put it in twice. No, I'm glad you listen, now take it to heart. I'll answer the rest when you answer the ones I forgot. alright.

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeedYou aren't convincing me you agree. i do agree. hench the last 9 ways ive put it.. ...You do realize I'm partly teasing you? sure.

good.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).No, but they know when I get on the phone, and they know that if they come in later and i'm still on, I've broken my curfew. We go mostly on the honor system since if I break it, I lose a whole month with ich. wow.. they treat you like a child. I am a child! I'm under 18; I have to do what they say! And I like some of their boundaries and limits. I plan to use them on my own kids, though maybe not to the same extent. They are way too lienient on their grounding, but I like that they enforce certain rules, like curfew, or like making sure I don't go off alone with Ich for more than like, two hours. (I haven't seen him in a week. It's driving me batty!) I'm glad they're latting us go on a walk Sunday. They weren't going to. And they don't really treat me that much like a child. Only when I break the rules. That's reasonable. That's how I'm going to raise my kids. you cant be alone with him for more then 2 hours?! GAH! that stinks. rob takes me to his house at like 1 and i dont check in till like 10. my mom is worried about wut were doing. sometimes its innocent.. like we fall asleep.. and sometimes she really should be. i DO have hormones ya know.haha

Hey, I value two straight hours with my boy. As busy as I am with school and work and my internship... It's crazy! Hormones are fun. Especially when I can tease Rob to no end and not be afraid of him. mmm?

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"well, thnk abotu it. What emotions are exactly going through your mind? Voice would be so much better... too bad we don't know each other personally. Then again, we'd probably never associate if we knew each other in rl... well, i usually dont hang out with religious people cuz we'd argue but thats not nessisarily true. i love your mind, and looks dont define a friendship, so we probably would.No, it would be on my part. I try not to judge people, but I'm shy, and unless you approach me, the "straightedge", we'd never get to know each other unless we had a class. mm maybe you are right. i dont "make" friends, i stumble upon people i grow to love and then i meet people thru them...

that makes two of us. mm

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin ..this ? was just like the "hole" thing It's close, but not quite. I asked if you had a hole in your heart and couldn't fill it. This is asking if you ever feel like you yourself are in a hole and can't get out. oh. well, indeed i do/have

I'll sound like a shrink, but... How does that make you feel? hah! yea you do. um.. idk bad?! duh

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you might be wiser, but RHIP Rank Has It's Priveliges.

Like driving! Oh yeah!

grr

hehe, you know I'm just teasing you about driving.

Hey, at least you go to public school. My classes are so BORING and SHORT. I feel like I'm skipping out on school, and all we talk about is law. While that interests me, it's driving me insane that all my classmates think alike.

<3<3<3

|||

public school is like my scale... its a love/hate thing...

you didnt answer have them..

sorry, I got ahead of myself. Answer these and I'll get back on track.

mmmkay.

Topazia · August 15, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[don't be. she's probably jealous right back. jealous of what?! holy cow, you keep getting lighter and lighter with your posts. Soon I won't be able to read it at all! Jealous of you. I'd probably be jealous of a life like yours if I didn't know not to be jealous of people. well, that is understandable, cuz of stuff.. but why would some skinny happy looking 17 year old girl who's got a guy eating out of her palm of her hand, & does wut she wants, for the most part be jealous of some kindafat and kindaugly girl that cant even get a boyfriend in her own town, her own age?

I have a lot more than a lot of people, but I know I'm not the best. Believe me, Ich doesn't eat out of my hand quite yet, if he ever will. He's an individual person, jsut like me, which means he'll stick up for himself if I cross a line (which doesn't exist). I'll bet you're not kind-anything except crazy. That's sort of okay. I'm crazy. Ich is crazy. Half my core is crqzy, and the other half are as random as we are kuku. If you're that unhappy, why are you living this way? Change is hard, but it was worth it in my case. change what though?i feel for you. I dunno, whatever you aren't happy with, to a certain extent.

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth. I don't want perfection, either, but I don't like being sad or lethargic all the time. I'd like a good median... i dont know wut i want.You should think about it. like i havnt.Wel,, what have you ocme up with so far? i wanna live through tomorrow..You are very far-sighted. I'm so glad you can see the big picture of things. I'm being sarcastic. What do you want to do in a year? Two? Five?

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?To be affected by others' actions. I am happy when you are happy and healthy. I am sad when you are hurt. I am hurt when it's your own fault.

everyone hurts themselves in one way or another. its like breathing now, i dont even think about it..Well, I think about it. What my friends do affects me more deeply than it affects them. It's hard to explain without sounding like a total stalker or a creep. ive grown less attached to people, i dont wanna get hurt.That's understandable. I'm like that. I have to make a conscious effort to stay this way sometimes, but other times I fall naturally into the "innocent giddy girl who loves kids, her mom, and God" category. mm.i know that feeling.. minus the god part. Right. I'm not an innocent giddy girl, though.

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger painUm, actually, your metabolism slows way down to accomodate the fasting, and it can sometimes make you gain weight. I'm telling you, eat enough to sustain life, but exercise enough to offset the calorie intake.

i try to eat under 700 calories a day. and thats alot. sometimes i skip exercising bcuz i am very lazy..that's barely enough to sustain me, Lauren. You need to eat more. ive been eating SO much. today i ate.. um 110..90..100..200.. 400.. whats that =... like 900. ALOT. probably more then that cuz most of that is guessing. ive gotta hit the treadmill before sleep. if i gain another pound im scared ill cut open my legs. im so ashamed of myself.. EATING GETS ME NOWHEREWhoa! Slow down a minute! First off, more than 900 IS A GOOD THING, becasue then you aren't depriving yourself from food. Second off, your numbers do equal 900, so good math skills. Third off, don't bother cutting yourself, it only makes you feel worse in the end, and then you think you have to do it again. There's a cycle there! Besdies, Rob would find oujt and you would get in a fight, and then come the wonderful scars that don't looks so hot when you're in a bikini. AND whenever Rob would SEE those marks, he would think back on unpleasant memories of fighting with you, and it'll turn him off. Big time. Does my logic make sense, or am I jsut babbling here? first off, it was WELL over 900 when i added up everything i ate in the end. i cried. rob had to calm me down. second i used a calculator. im horrible at math.2nd, i havnt cut in forever. but i did burn myself. and i told rob and we did fight and the scars are little cuz the burns were little. third, i would never dare put my huge butt(stomach,arms,legs,face, fingers,feet OR butt) in a bikini, no one, including myself, wants to see that. *throws up* 4th, the marks are too small to see (its just dots on my wrist) 5th, SOMETHING needs to turn that boy off.. OMG..hehe, he sounds like Ich, sometimes. You sound like me before I got the piece of swimwear!Now I like it, unless I have bruises on my stomach from roughhouseing.

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a factThat's your choice. I'm testifying my own life story for your benifit. mm. life is boring..Only sometimes. You can't tell me your life is totally boring. these past few days... ive been so bored and so upset. i burned myself a little today and i told rob and we got in a fight thru texting(i was with family, so we couldnt talk) and i was crying most of the day and it was bad. everything is going downhill again Well, maybe you should back up a little and try a less extreme diet. More food, (I can ask my dietician what is good for you), less excercise on the treadmill... I know people who can tell you what you can do to NOT starve yourself and still lose weight. You might gain a pound while your body recovers, but it'll go away and you'll reach an apporpriate weight for your body. If you eat right, like following the food pyramid, and if you exercise the right way, (treadmill isn't always the best) then you'll probably lose weight at the right speed and the right way, so you'll be able to love your body.i'm no where near loving my body, i hope i can someday, but not untill ive lost at least 20/30 pounds.. ive been eating alot. i wanted to be 8 pounds lighter then my CW by next sunday. instead, ill be in tears. im not starving myself. and the treadmill is all i have. and god be my wittness, im gonna use it. i know its bad(now) but i walk/run alot w/o shoes. thats gonna change.. ive cut up the bottoms of my feet and they hurt :[ secondly(or wutever) i do more then the treadmill.... my daily plan is 300 crunches,45 pushups,150 lunges,50 calf raises,50 candles and run at least 100 calories off.

im lazy. i do the cunches, and 1/2 or less of everything else. i hope i get back to my rutien though. im gaining and im crying and i hate it. i need new clothes for school and id like to NOT cry in a dressing room for once in a few years... i cant go easy on myself anymore. im never gonna be the way i want if i do. and i wanna be beautiful for rob. he deserves a thin, pretty, dainty little girlfriend... not a huge luggs-herself-around person like he has. i cant wait till school.. im gonna loose so much faster :]ask him if you're beautiful, and tell him to be honest. I'll bet he says you are beautiful! I can't even do 25 pushups... What are candles?

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Aww, how sweet. Give it six more months. You'll find something to argue about, and then he'll say something without meaning it, and it'll hurt deep, because he'll never apologize even if you constantly bring it up, and you'll wish he'd grow up. are you trying to make me angry? or just comparing my life to yours? i do argue with rob.. and we work it out. thats the point of being in love. actually, thats a lie, i dont know wut the point is but thats in there.Hey, I'm in love, too. I've never stopped loving Ich, and I never will. I'm not trying to make you angry. Yeah, but does he accuse you of things you both know you'd never do? I'll bet he diesn't. I'll also bet Rob isn't bipolar and 76% psychotic, or whatever Ich claims. Being in love doesn't mean you won't fight. If you don't fight, you're too compatible, or you're afraid. The point of love is being able to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It's called agape love, or self-sacrificial love. (uh-GAH-pay) And believe me, I'm full of agape. like the agape house? ha. im not in love, love is so complicated, i dont know wut it is..

If Rob is your first boyfriend, you aren't in love. If he is your second, or third, or fourth even (in which case I'm jealous again), you probably aren't in love. No, not like the house. Love, in its true form, is a beautiful warm feeling that deosn't go away very easily, if at all. I love it. he's my 2nd. and i know im not in love, but its the closest thing ive ever felt and im gonna die when he leaves me.. why when? How about if? Optimism helps you lose weight. Beating yourself up makes you gain weight because it's stress. Stress produces cortisone, which makes for much of your belly fat.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchangedIt's not a boundary. It frees me more than anything. It frees me of the fear that I may be wrong. Hey. It's better to live like there's a Supreme Being and find out there isn't, then to live like there isn't and find out there is. Rob has the right idea. You should listen to him. Drugs are negative. You might lose friends, but it's against the law for a reason, my young friend. either way, you get fooled. i dont "obey" my boyfriend, he has his veiws and i have mine. we made a compromise but i wouldnt even listen to him tell me to do somthing. i dont give a flying 'unicorn' about the law. I didn't say obey him. I said listen to him. Take his words to heart. If he's telling you he's against something you are doing, think hard about it. He cares about you enough to tell you. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't tell you to stop, or that he didn't like it. He would let you continue to kill yourself slowly, painfully, without even realizing how many others you are hurting. That's not what love is. If you really love him, listen to him. Think hard about what you are doing. I'm not telling you to submit and obey him, exactly, (though you should do what he says on this one) I'm telling you to listen to what he says. (see answer above) i do listen.

answer?sorry, i tried to finish on the next post, but i guess H thought I put it in twice. No, I'm glad you listen, now take it to heart. I'll answer the rest when you answer the ones I forgot. alright.alright what? was that really a consession or are you just answering?

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeedYou aren't convincing me you agree. i do agree. hench the last 9 ways ive put it.. ...You do realize I'm partly teasing you? sure.

good.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).No, but they know when I get on the phone, and they know that if they come in later and i'm still on, I've broken my curfew. We go mostly on the honor system since if I break it, I lose a whole month with ich. wow.. they treat you like a child. I am a child! I'm under 18; I have to do what they say! And I like some of their boundaries and limits. I plan to use them on my own kids, though maybe not to the same extent. They are way too lienient on their grounding, but I like that they enforce certain rules, like curfew, or like making sure I don't go off alone with Ich for more than like, two hours. (I haven't seen him in a week. It's driving me batty!) I'm glad they're latting us go on a walk Sunday. They weren't going to. And they don't really treat me that much like a child. Only when I break the rules. That's reasonable. That's how I'm going to raise my kids. you cant be alone with him for more then 2 hours?! GAH! that stinks. rob takes me to his house at like 1 and i dont check in till like 10. my mom is worried about wut were doing. sometimes its innocent.. like we fall asleep.. and sometimes she really should be. i DO have hormones ya know.haha

Hey, I value two straight hours with my boy. As busy as I am with school and work and my internship... It's crazy! Hormones are fun. Especially when I can tease Rob to no end and not be afraid of him. mmm?fear stops me from enjoying life. fear of being hurt like i have been. Trust is hard for guys to earn from me.

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"well, thnk abotu it. What emotions are exactly going through your mind? Voice would be so much better... too bad we don't know each other personally. Then again, we'd probably never associate if we knew each other in rl... well, i usually dont hang out with religious people cuz we'd argue but thats not nessisarily true. i love your mind, and looks dont define a friendship, so we probably would.No, it would be on my part. I try not to judge people, but I'm shy, and unless you approach me, the "straightedge", we'd never get to know each other unless we had a class. mm maybe you are right. i dont "make" friends, i stumble upon people i grow to love and then i meet people thru them...

that makes two of us. mm nn

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin ..this ? was just like the "hole" thing It's close, but not quite. I asked if you had a hole in your heart and couldn't fill it. This is asking if you ever feel like you yourself are in a hole and can't get out. oh. well, indeed i do/have

I'll sound like a shrink, but... How does that make you feel? hah! yea you do. um.. idk bad?! duhlol, seriously. bad is a general feeling. I feel bad when I break the rules, but I feel bad when I have a headache too. I don't always break rules when I get a headache. (usually it's vice versa)

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you might be wiser, but RHIP Rank Has It's Priveliges.

Like driving! Oh yeah!

grr

hehe, you know I'm just teasing you about driving.

Hey, at least you go to public school. My classes are so BORING and SHORT. I feel like I'm skipping out on school, and all we talk about is law. While that interests me, it's driving me insane that all my classmates think alike.

<3<3<3

|||

public school is like my scale... its a love/hate thing...

you didnt answer have them..

sorry, I got ahead of myself. Answer these and I'll get back on track.

mmmkay.

I like vanilla.

xMyOwnMindx · August 15, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[don't be. she's probably jealous right back. jealous of what?! holy cow, you keep getting lighter and lighter with your posts. Soon I won't be able to read it at all! Jealous of you. I'd probably be jealous of a life like yours if I didn't know not to be jealous of people. well, that is understandable, cuz of stuff.. but why would some skinny happy looking 17 year old girl who's got a guy eating out of her palm of her hand, & does wut she wants, for the most part be jealous of some kindafat and kindaugly girl that cant even get a boyfriend in her own town, her own age?

I have a lot more than a lot of people, but I know I'm not the best. Believe me, Ich doesn't eat out of my hand quite yet, if he ever will. He's an individual person, jsut like me, which means he'll stick up for himself if I cross a line (which doesn't exist). I'll bet you're not kind-anything except crazy. That's sort of okay. I'm crazy. Ich is crazy. Half my core is crqzy, and the other half are as random as we are kuku. If you're that unhappy, why are you living this way? Change is hard, but it was worth it in my case. change what though?i feel for you. I dunno, whatever you aren't happy with, to a certain extent. hench the eating things...

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth. I don't want perfection, either, but I don't like being sad or lethargic all the time. I'd like a good median... i dont know wut i want.You should think about it. like i havnt.Wel,, what have you ocme up with so far? i wanna live through tomorrow..You are very far-sighted. I'm so glad you can see the big picture of things. I'm being sarcastic. What do you want to do in a year? Two? Five? i know that.. um. i dont wanna be single.. and i want to be thin

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?To be affected by others' actions. I am happy when you are happy and healthy. I am sad when you are hurt. I am hurt when it's your own fault.

everyone hurts themselves in one way or another. its like breathing now, i dont even think about it..Well, I think about it. What my friends do affects me more deeply than it affects them. It's hard to explain without sounding like a total stalker or a creep. ive grown less attached to people, i dont wanna get hurt.That's understandable. I'm like that. I have to make a conscious effort to stay this way sometimes, but other times I fall naturally into the "innocent giddy girl who loves kids, her mom, and God" category. mm.i know that feeling.. minus the god part. Right. I'm not an innocent giddy girl, though. neither am i

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger painUm, actually, your metabolism slows way down to accomodate the fasting, and it can sometimes make you gain weight. I'm telling you, eat enough to sustain life, but exercise enough to offset the calorie intake.

i try to eat under 700 calories a day. and thats alot. sometimes i skip exercising bcuz i am very lazy..that's barely enough to sustain me, Lauren. You need to eat more. ive been eating SO much. today i ate.. um 110..90..100..200.. 400.. whats that =... like 900. ALOT. probably more then that cuz most of that is guessing. ive gotta hit the treadmill before sleep. if i gain another pound im scared ill cut open my legs. im so ashamed of myself.. EATING GETS ME NOWHEREWhoa! Slow down a minute! First off, more than 900 IS A GOOD THING, becasue then you aren't depriving yourself from food. Second off, your numbers do equal 900, so good math skills. Third off, don't bother cutting yourself, it only makes you feel worse in the end, and then you think you have to do it again. There's a cycle there! Besdies, Rob would find oujt and you would get in a fight, and then come the wonderful scars that don't looks so hot when you're in a bikini. AND whenever Rob would SEE those marks, he would think back on unpleasant memories of fighting with you, and it'll turn him off. Big time. Does my logic make sense, or am I jsut babbling here? first off, it was WELL over 900 when i added up everything i ate in the end. i cried. rob had to calm me down. second i used a calculator. im horrible at math.2nd, i havnt cut in forever. but i did burn myself. and i told rob and we did fight and the scars are little cuz the burns were little. third, i would never dare put my huge butt(stomach,arms,legs,face, fingers,feet OR butt) in a bikini, no one, including myself, wants to see that. *throws up* 4th, the marks are too small to see (its just dots on my wrist) 5th, SOMETHING needs to turn that boy off.. OMG..hehe, he sounds like Ich, sometimes. You sound like me before I got the piece of swimwear!Now I like it, unless I have bruises on my stomach from roughhouseing. mm thats nice ha

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a factThat's your choice. I'm testifying my own life story for your benifit. mm. life is boring..Only sometimes. You can't tell me your life is totally boring. these past few days... ive been so bored and so upset. i burned myself a little today and i told rob and we got in a fight thru texting(i was with family, so we couldnt talk) and i was crying most of the day and it was bad. everything is going downhill again Well, maybe you should back up a little and try a less extreme diet. More food, (I can ask my dietician what is good for you), less excercise on the treadmill... I know people who can tell you what you can do to NOT starve yourself and still lose weight. You might gain a pound while your body recovers, but it'll go away and you'll reach an apporpriate weight for your body. If you eat right, like following the food pyramid, and if you exercise the right way, (treadmill isn't always the best) then you'll probably lose weight at the right speed and the right way, so you'll be able to love your body.i'm no where near loving my body, i hope i can someday, but not untill ive lost at least 20/30 pounds.. ive been eating alot. i wanted to be 8 pounds lighter then my CW by next sunday. instead, ill be in tears. im not starving myself. and the treadmill is all i have. and god be my wittness, im gonna use it. i know its bad(now) but i walk/run alot w/o shoes. thats gonna change.. ive cut up the bottoms of my feet and they hurt :[ secondly(or wutever) i do more then the treadmill.... my daily plan is 300 crunches,45 pushups,150 lunges,50 calf raises,50 candles and run at least 100 calories off.

im lazy. i do the cunches, and 1/2 or less of everything else. i hope i get back to my rutien though. im gaining and im crying and i hate it. i need new clothes for school and id like to NOT cry in a dressing room for once in a few years... i cant go easy on myself anymore. im never gonna be the way i want if i do. and i wanna be beautiful for rob. he deserves a thin, pretty, dainty little girlfriend... not a huge luggs-herself-around person like he has. i cant wait till school.. im gonna loose so much faster :]ask him if you're beautiful, and tell him to be honest. I'll bet he says you are beautiful! I can't even do 25 pushups... What are candles? he does.alot. he tells me im perfect, i refuse to kiss him after saying that.

15 three different times. candles are like when you lie on your back and put your legs straight up, and then lower them and then go back up with lift up your butt too. i dont do too many of them cuz im weak.

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Aww, how sweet. Give it six more months. You'll find something to argue about, and then he'll say something without meaning it, and it'll hurt deep, because he'll never apologize even if you constantly bring it up, and you'll wish he'd grow up. are you trying to make me angry? or just comparing my life to yours? i do argue with rob.. and we work it out. thats the point of being in love. actually, thats a lie, i dont know wut the point is but thats in there.Hey, I'm in love, too. I've never stopped loving Ich, and I never will. I'm not trying to make you angry. Yeah, but does he accuse you of things you both know you'd never do? I'll bet he diesn't. I'll also bet Rob isn't bipolar and 76% psychotic, or whatever Ich claims. Being in love doesn't mean you won't fight. If you don't fight, you're too compatible, or you're afraid. The point of love is being able to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It's called agape love, or self-sacrificial love. (uh-GAH-pay) And believe me, I'm full of agape. like the agape house? ha. im not in love, love is so complicated, i dont know wut it is..

If Rob is your first boyfriend, you aren't in love. If he is your second, or third, or fourth even (in which case I'm jealous again), you probably aren't in love. No, not like the house. Love, in its true form, is a beautiful warm feeling that deosn't go away very easily, if at all. I love it. he's my 2nd. and i know im not in love, but its the closest thing ive ever felt and im gonna die when he leaves me.. why when? How about if? Optimism helps you lose weight. Beating yourself up makes you gain weight because it's stress. Stress produces cortisone, which makes for much of your belly fat.

cuz im never the dumper. i would probably stay with a guy that beat me..

well, excuse me for not being miss sunshine but thats a brain thing and i cant help it.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchangedIt's not a boundary. It frees me more than anything. It frees me of the fear that I may be wrong. Hey. It's better to live like there's a Supreme Being and find out there isn't, then to live like there isn't and find out there is. Rob has the right idea. You should listen to him. Drugs are negative. You might lose friends, but it's against the law for a reason, my young friend. either way, you get fooled. i dont "obey" my boyfriend, he has his veiws and i have mine. we made a compromise but i wouldnt even listen to him tell me to do somthing. i dont give a flying 'unicorn' about the law. I didn't say obey him. I said listen to him. Take his words to heart. If he's telling you he's against something you are doing, think hard about it. He cares about you enough to tell you. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't tell you to stop, or that he didn't like it. He would let you continue to kill yourself slowly, painfully, without even realizing how many others you are hurting. That's not what love is. If you really love him, listen to him. Think hard about what you are doing. I'm not telling you to submit and obey him, exactly, (though you should do what he says on this one) I'm telling you to listen to what he says. (see answer above) i do listen.

answer?sorry, i tried to finish on the next post, but i guess H thought I put it in twice. No, I'm glad you listen, now take it to heart. I'll answer the rest when you answer the ones I forgot. alright.alright what? was that really a consession or are you just answering? answering

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeedYou aren't convincing me you agree. i do agree. hench the last 9 ways ive put it.. ...You do realize I'm partly teasing you? sure.

good.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).No, but they know when I get on the phone, and they know that if they come in later and i'm still on, I've broken my curfew. We go mostly on the honor system since if I break it, I lose a whole month with ich. wow.. they treat you like a child. I am a child! I'm under 18; I have to do what they say! And I like some of their boundaries and limits. I plan to use them on my own kids, though maybe not to the same extent. They are way too lienient on their grounding, but I like that they enforce certain rules, like curfew, or like making sure I don't go off alone with Ich for more than like, two hours. (I haven't seen him in a week. It's driving me batty!) I'm glad they're latting us go on a walk Sunday. They weren't going to. And they don't really treat me that much like a child. Only when I break the rules. That's reasonable. That's how I'm going to raise my kids. you cant be alone with him for more then 2 hours?! GAH! that stinks. rob takes me to his house at like 1 and i dont check in till like 10. my mom is worried about wut were doing. sometimes its innocent.. like we fall asleep.. and sometimes she really should be. i DO have hormones ya know.haha

Hey, I value two straight hours with my boy. As busy as I am with school and work and my internship... It's crazy! Hormones are fun. Especially when I can tease Rob to no end and not be afraid of him. mmm?fear stops me from enjoying life. fear of being hurt like i have been. Trust is hard for guys to earn from me. understandable

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"well, thnk abotu it. What emotions are exactly going through your mind? Voice would be so much better... too bad we don't know each other personally. Then again, we'd probably never associate if we knew each other in rl... well, i usually dont hang out with religious people cuz we'd argue but thats not nessisarily true. i love your mind, and looks dont define a friendship, so we probably would.No, it would be on my part. I try not to judge people, but I'm shy, and unless you approach me, the "straightedge", we'd never get to know each other unless we had a class. mm maybe you are right. i dont "make" friends, i stumble upon people i grow to love and then i meet people thru them...

that makes two of us. mm nn mm is a noise

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin ..this ? was just like the "hole" thing It's close, but not quite. I asked if you had a hole in your heart and couldn't fill it. This is asking if you ever feel like you yourself are in a hole and can't get out. oh. well, indeed i do/have

I'll sound like a shrink, but... How does that make you feel? hah! yea you do. um.. idk bad?! duhlol, seriously. bad is a general feeling. I feel bad when I break the rules, but I feel bad when I have a headache too. I don't always break rules when I get a headache. (usually it's vice versa) well idk sad?!

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you might be wiser, but RHIP Rank Has It's Priveliges.

Like driving! Oh yeah!

grr

hehe, you know I'm just teasing you about driving.

Hey, at least you go to public school. My classes are so BORING and SHORT. I feel like I'm skipping out on school, and all we talk about is law. While that interests me, it's driving me insane that all my classmates think alike.

<3<3<3

|||

public school is like my scale... its a love/hate thing...

you didnt answer have them..

sorry, I got ahead of myself. Answer these and I'll get back on track.

mmmkay.

I like vanilla.

me too

xMyOwnMindx · August 23, 2006

I can see in your signature and in your posts that you are lost. i'm not lost. im just.. trying to be better in everyway i can, even if everyone thinks its bad.Tell me the truth. You're perfect the way you are. Accept yourself, and you'll stop feeling so down.HAHAHAH! thats the stupidest thing ever.but is it, really?

yea, you doof, it REALLY is. perfection is hard to reach. when i get close, ill let you know.perfection is impossible. Stop trying and see how imperfections are what make people perfect in themselves. I'm a prudy little twit with add and some emotional problems, but that doesn't stop people from loving me for just me. Perfection is boring. Let's see, perfect is like Britney Spears. TOTALLY FAKE!!! In you, I see a kind, insightful soul with a few problems. That's what I see in all of my friends. I guess that would explain why I like you.

thats not the type of perfection i mean. What did you mean?

well ,perfection is impossible, i want to be CLOSE to it. and i mean like.. REAL.. not plastic.you'd hate me... i'm almost perfect in proportion... but I don't feel it. I only know what others tell me...

yes, that does make me vaguely angry.

i met a few of rob's friends today. one of the girls is a toothpick. i was so jealous and so hungry. :[[don't be. she's probably jealous right back. jealous of what?! holy cow, you keep getting lighter and lighter with your posts. Soon I won't be able to read it at all! Jealous of you. I'd probably be jealous of a life like yours if I didn't know not to be jealous of people. well, that is understandable, cuz of stuff.. but why would some skinny happy looking 17 year old girl who's got a guy eating out of her palm of her hand, & does wut she wants, for the most part be jealous of some kindafat and kindaugly girl that cant even get a boyfriend in her own town, her own age?

I have a lot more than a lot of people, but I know I'm not the best. Believe me, Ich doesn't eat out of my hand quite yet, if he ever will. He's an individual person, jsut like me, which means he'll stick up for himself if I cross a line (which doesn't exist). I'll bet you're not kind-anything except crazy. That's sort of okay. I'm crazy. Ich is crazy. Half my core is crqzy, and the other half are as random as we are kuku. If you're that unhappy, why are you living this way? Change is hard, but it was worth it in my case. change what though?i feel for you. I dunno, whatever you aren't happy with, to a certain extent. hench the eating things...

I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better. maybeI know that's a yes. I know you. I know more about you than you can imagine, Lauren.(I know I sound like a stalker)WHAT AM I WEARING RIGHT NOW?! hahyeah, you keep joking about it, but i'm trying to get a point across.

alright, ms. serious, what be the point? that im "deeply hurting".. yea FOR NO REASON. which means that im just a little 15 who thinks too much. i shouldnt be pityed or cared about more. i just need to ride out my high school years and ill be and insane adult but no one will care then cuz im my own person and i wont have couseling and such.

The point is, I see myself in you, and it's not the side of me that i like the most, but I can't hate it. *thinks* btw, a black shirt. Yes, I know, you're going to be the biggest victim in the world when you grow up. No one will care, and you'll just be a crazy adult with no past to be proud of. That used to be my line of thinking.

no, im just not gonna let anyone care. its so pointless anyway. the original statement was "I can see that you know it but can't make yourself get better." yes,i do know im messed up a bit, and i dont know how and most of the time cant make myself better... ever wish you could?

sometimes.why do you not when you don't? cuz i dont want a little perfect life. i wanna be insane. and do things i shouldnt and i see truth in my depression. alot of truth. I don't want perfection, either, but I don't like being sad or lethargic all the time. I'd like a good median... i dont know wut i want.You should think about it. like i havnt.Wel,, what have you ocme up with so far? i wanna live through tomorrow..You are very far-sighted. I'm so glad you can see the big picture of things. I'm being sarcastic. What do you want to do in a year? Two? Five? i know that.. um. i dont wanna be single.. and i want to be thin

I can see that you feel empty even with a great life. which makes me angry.. seriously..I know what you mean. I do, really. All too well.

I can see that my computer is slow when it scans for viruses. mmk..my pc was scanning while i wrote this.figured, i do that at night when i shut everything else down

I can see that somehow, in some way, whether you want to admit it or not, you are suffering and want out. out forever? ive wanted it as far back as i can remember. That's my point. I know your heart wants more. Your soul knows you are worth more than what you've chosen to become. You know you are. Just look at how many people love you and care for you....people lie. i'm not saying YOU do. but people do. you know who i mean. your parents, your bf, horatio, me, glowurm, etc... the people who you know full well care about you.

im happy people care i guess but hows that get them anywhere?

Nowhere. But doesn't it cheer you in the least to know that there are people out there who give a darn about your well being, not including your parents, which bother every child? I've never even met you, and I can honestly say you are a fine young lady. Ever hear the saying, diamond in the mire? Think that.

never heard that saying, but thanks. and yea, its great people care i guess. but i hurt people when they care about me.. so its better if they just dont.that doesn't stop us from caring. You might not want it, but people will always care about you. Isn't that cool? That's who I am. You're human, so I care about you. You're a member of this universe, so I care. About myself, not so much. A little, but not much. Cool, huh, how that works?

yea, sure, i never said i dont want people to care. i just dont want them to get hurt in the process..

that's the point of caring. to get hurt?To be affected by others' actions. I am happy when you are happy and healthy. I am sad when you are hurt. I am hurt when it's your own fault.

everyone hurts themselves in one way or another. its like breathing now, i dont even think about it..Well, I think about it. What my friends do affects me more deeply than it affects them. It's hard to explain without sounding like a total stalker or a creep. ive grown less attached to people, i dont wanna get hurt.That's understandable. I'm like that. I have to make a conscious effort to stay this way sometimes, but other times I fall naturally into the "innocent giddy girl who loves kids, her mom, and God" category. mm.i know that feeling.. minus the god part. Right. I'm not an innocent giddy girl, though. neither am i

But you don't know how.

You can't figure it out.

You're afraid to let go, because it's all you know.

You can see yourself slipping out of control (again), but you can't seem to stop it. in a way i dont want toBut in another, you do. You know you are falling. You see yourself. Many people say you can't see what you're doing to yourself because you're too close, but you know they are wrong. You have the ability to distance yourself from your body and look, honestly look at what you are doing. Try it. It feels funny at first, but it's true. but everything im doing,, good bad and evil i WANT to be doing.

ex. yesterday i ate 1.5 meals, i knew i was doing it, i wanted to be doing it and this morning im happy becuz of my baby sacrifice yesterday

ex2. when i cut, im clearly knowing that im holding a razor to my wrist. and i still continue to slash.

if i didnt want to do these things. id stop.

oh yeah? try to stop. i dare you. that's a challenge. don't do it for two months, and tell me the truth about how hard it is during. i know you won't stop. i know you. but there's your big challenge of the year.

i havnt cut since april actually. i think about it. i want to. but i havnt done it. and it wasnt hard one little bit. everyone told me i couldnt do it, and i did my thighs, but i havnt since april and i dont really care anymore. if i need to cut, i'll cut, but i havnt gotten to that point.

you know how hard its been; EASY. if theres an EXTRA EASY, its that. and if you mean with the ana obsessions then i dont want to stop. i have no desire. i hear i look good EVERYDAY. and i love every little second of it. i know that makes me sound like an attention W. but im not. i just love seeing myself smaller, its like a drug, i love it. and im not gonna stop, simpely because i do not want to.

Fine. That's fine. I'm glad it was easy. Not everyone would feel that way. Go read my first rambling. ANyway, I'm glad you feel better now that you're losing weight. You know, I don't see how you're acting anorexic, except that you only mention it in most of your posts. Yeah, you could stand to eat a little more than 1k cal a day, but still. Metabolism for you is fine.

eating makes me sad. I know. Eating makes you sad, and the results of not eating makes you happy. If you're dead, you can't enjoy your body.

well, i do eat, alot actually. so relax. im not dying any time soon.yeah? did you know if you eat five smaller meals throughout the day it is called hungersuppressant diet and keeps you from eating huge meals helps to lose weight too. I inadvertantly keep that diet. It's annoying. did you know if you eat close to nothing you loose weight FAST? its worth every hunger painUm, actually, your metabolism slows way down to accomodate the fasting, and it can sometimes make you gain weight. I'm telling you, eat enough to sustain life, but exercise enough to offset the calorie intake.

i try to eat under 700 calories a day. and thats alot. sometimes i skip exercising bcuz i am very lazy..that's barely enough to sustain me, Lauren. You need to eat more. ive been eating SO much. today i ate.. um 110..90..100..200.. 400.. whats that =... like 900. ALOT. probably more then that cuz most of that is guessing. ive gotta hit the treadmill before sleep. if i gain another pound im scared ill cut open my legs. im so ashamed of myself.. EATING GETS ME NOWHEREWhoa! Slow down a minute! First off, more than 900 IS A GOOD THING, becasue then you aren't depriving yourself from food. Second off, your numbers do equal 900, so good math skills. Third off, don't bother cutting yourself, it only makes you feel worse in the end, and then you think you have to do it again. There's a cycle there! Besdies, Rob would find oujt and you would get in a fight, and then come the wonderful scars that don't looks so hot when you're in a bikini. AND whenever Rob would SEE those marks, he would think back on unpleasant memories of fighting with you, and it'll turn him off. Big time. Does my logic make sense, or am I jsut babbling here? first off, it was WELL over 900 when i added up everything i ate in the end. i cried. rob had to calm me down. second i used a calculator. im horrible at math.2nd, i havnt cut in forever. but i did burn myself. and i told rob and we did fight and the scars are little cuz the burns were little. third, i would never dare put my huge butt(stomach,arms,legs,face, fingers,feet OR butt) in a bikini, no one, including myself, wants to see that. *throws up* 4th, the marks are too small to see (its just dots on my wrist) 5th, SOMETHING needs to turn that boy off.. OMG..hehe, he sounds like Ich, sometimes. You sound like me before I got the piece of swimwear!Now I like it, unless I have bruises on my stomach from roughhouseing. mm thats nice ha

Tell me the truth: Are you lonely deep inside? i used to think everyone wasbecause you are lonely. I know you are lonely. Even with your boyfriend, Rob, you still have an empty spot in your heart that you can't seem to fill with drugs, boys, drinking, starving, or anything. Tell me the truth. I know, because I used to feel that way, even without a bf. yea,so, everyone gets lonely. i just happen to be lonely alot. its not the end of anyone's world, ive learned to deal. (most of the time)lonely hurts. it hurts deeper than anything else i know, except rejection. i asked if you feel like there's a hole in your heart that can't be filled in no matter what you're doing to try.

yea, hole's there, been there a while.

Ever want it to go away?

sure, but sometimes, its truth, and id rather hurt then be blinded most days. Now you sound like the old me. well, maybe you were right; what happened???I grew up. Actually, I'm not allowed to say why I changed. Horatio will bleep it out because it has to do with religion. No, I suppose you're right that it's better to know the truth. But I mean that I knew the hole could go away with a simple choice. I just ignored the fact... i do not believe in higher being(s). i simplely dont believe in my mind or heart that they exsist. its not a niave thing, its not a stuborn thing and its not a "hate" thing. its a factThat's your choice. I'm testifying my own life story for your benifit. mm. life is boring..Only sometimes. You can't tell me your life is totally boring. these past few days... ive been so bored and so upset. i burned myself a little today and i told rob and we got in a fight thru texting(i was with family, so we couldnt talk) and i was crying most of the day and it was bad. everything is going downhill again Well, maybe you should back up a little and try a less extreme diet. More food, (I can ask my dietician what is good for you), less excercise on the treadmill... I know people who can tell you what you can do to NOT starve yourself and still lose weight. You might gain a pound while your body recovers, but it'll go away and you'll reach an apporpriate weight for your body. If you eat right, like following the food pyramid, and if you exercise the right way, (treadmill isn't always the best) then you'll probably lose weight at the right speed and the right way, so you'll be able to love your body.i'm no where near loving my body, i hope i can someday, but not untill ive lost at least 20/30 pounds.. ive been eating alot. i wanted to be 8 pounds lighter then my CW by next sunday. instead, ill be in tears. im not starving myself. and the treadmill is all i have. and god be my wittness, im gonna use it. i know its bad(now) but i walk/run alot w/o shoes. thats gonna change.. ive cut up the bottoms of my feet and they hurt :[ secondly(or wutever) i do more then the treadmill.... my daily plan is 300 crunches,45 pushups,150 lunges,50 calf raises,50 candles and run at least 100 calories off.

im lazy. i do the cunches, and 1/2 or less of everything else. i hope i get back to my rutien though. im gaining and im crying and i hate it. i need new clothes for school and id like to NOT cry in a dressing room for once in a few years... i cant go easy on myself anymore. im never gonna be the way i want if i do. and i wanna be beautiful for rob. he deserves a thin, pretty, dainty little girlfriend... not a huge luggs-herself-around person like he has. i cant wait till school.. im gonna loose so much faster :]ask him if you're beautiful, and tell him to be honest. I'll bet he says you are beautiful! I can't even do 25 pushups... What are candles? he does.alot. he tells me im perfect, i refuse to kiss him after saying that.

15 three different times. candles are like when you lie on your back and put your legs straight up, and then lower them and then go back up with lift up your butt too. i dont do too many of them cuz im weak.

Are you feeling tiny and undeserving of anything but horror? yea.so? i'm not the 1st, wont be the last and thats tough, im just gonna have to deal with it.but you don't have to deal with it. I see in you a great, amazing girl with a real goal and purpose in life. You haven't realized your goal, but I know it's in there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to fly. You know it isn't normal to feel you're undeserving, but many people still think they are doomed to torture themselves with despair forever. You say you know it. Lauren, listen to yourself. Imagine someone like me saying the words you concoct. Imagine me telling you the things you tell us. Imagine someone else, someone you idolize in your heart, saying and doing the things you think up. How does that make you feel?.. i dont know. i guess id just know how they feel. if someone feels like that wut r u supposed to feel? i mean.. i have friends who are depressed, not as bad as me, but we've all been there, and when they feel like that we can just talk it out since we feel the same way...imagine your little sister taking on the habits you have. cutting, drugs, etc. how would that make you feel? What would you say to her? Wouldn't you be upset that she's deliberately hurting herself?

i dont have a little sister. and i dont know.

my bro sold me ciggs today and he was like "i cant believe im selling you death"

i guess he felt bad.

i guess i would feel bad.Why did you buy them? You're underage to begin with, kita. He knew that. Both of you broke the law. That may not have a lot of gravity for you, but the fact remains. You would feel bad. If Rob decided to start doing something that you knew was wrong and didn't meet with your values, you'd be upset. Right? I can't really use that analogy for you, because I don't like you like a boyfriend. I see people as my brothers and sisters.

my brother and i break the law on a daily basis. im breaking the law right now...

yea, i guess, but i wouldnt make him stop.

he doesnt make me stop doing things he doesnt agree with.If he loves you, he should. If you love him, you should. You probably don't want him getting hurt. You two are bound to fight on the basis that everyone fights. But you don't wish death upon him, or major trouble, at least, do you?

rob or my brother?both I was talking abt your brother, but both. i wish my brother a few nights in jail. he needs to grow up. and i wish only but love for my baby

Aww, how sweet. Give it six more months. You'll find something to argue about, and then he'll say something without meaning it, and it'll hurt deep, because he'll never apologize even if you constantly bring it up, and you'll wish he'd grow up. are you trying to make me angry? or just comparing my life to yours? i do argue with rob.. and we work it out. thats the point of being in love. actually, thats a lie, i dont know wut the point is but thats in there.Hey, I'm in love, too. I've never stopped loving Ich, and I never will. I'm not trying to make you angry. Yeah, but does he accuse you of things you both know you'd never do? I'll bet he diesn't. I'll also bet Rob isn't bipolar and 76% psychotic, or whatever Ich claims. Being in love doesn't mean you won't fight. If you don't fight, you're too compatible, or you're afraid. The point of love is being able to love someone no matter how much they hurt you. It's called agape love, or self-sacrificial love. (uh-GAH-pay) And believe me, I'm full of agape. like the agape house? ha. im not in love, love is so complicated, i dont know wut it is..

If Rob is your first boyfriend, you aren't in love. If he is your second, or third, or fourth even (in which case I'm jealous again), you probably aren't in love. No, not like the house. Love, in its true form, is a beautiful warm feeling that deosn't go away very easily, if at all. I love it. he's my 2nd. and i know im not in love, but its the closest thing ive ever felt and im gonna die when he leaves me.. why when? How about if? Optimism helps you lose weight. Beating yourself up makes you gain weight because it's stress. Stress produces cortisone, which makes for much of your belly fat.

cuz im never the dumper. i would probably stay with a guy that beat me..

well, excuse me for not being miss sunshine but thats a brain thing and i cant help it.

Are you secretly wishing someone would accept you for who you are no matter what you say or do? isnt that why i have best friends?But are your friends really looking out for your best interests? Do your best friends, your very dearest friends, tell you how much they love you and how they want to see you soar above the rest of the world in eternal glory that doesn't end when you come down off a high? Do they tell you the honest truth, even if it hurts? The real question is, who are your best friends? Are they real friends, or do they galavant across the board behind your back? And what kind of friend are you? Do you fit this description of a friend? well, i feel very undeserving of my friends. i lay all my issues on them and except them to deal. its horrible and ive been trying to change. i have different kinds of friends.. my best friends.. i can tell them every little thing i feel and they most like either understand or feel for me or both. i have a friend who's a very good friend, but too divaish too be a best. i have friends in different groups of friends, one who supports my Ana, one who's a completely different person but we <3 each other anyway. and then i have the circle. the circle is like 13 boys and girls (mostly girls) and were all alike. i feel like i kinda started the circle cuz of my codepentness. and also cuz before we got together and named ourselfs i refered to us as "the emo squad" even though were not really emo. now the emo squad is me, megan and jamie.

anyway, i do believe they look out for my best intrests and i trust most of them.(theres some people in the circle im not very close to)

i know they love and support me but saying all that is like buying me flowers and roses.. id just be like "uh.. thanks?" ha. things like that go unsaid between best friends.

we use more than just words to express the way we feel. like i believe everytime you laugh with a friend you get closer.

gosh, im getting all cheesy. point is i ADORE my friends. friends are everything. i could write a book about it.

but do they tell you you're wrong to want to get high, to cut, to turn to such dangers as anorexia to try to lose weight?

no, they dont tell me anything They should. It's self-destructive, and they should want you to be happy and healthy without use of illegal medication.[color-blue] well, some do (like the ? below)

listen to yourself "illegal medication" stop buying into wut everyone else says. its a plant. its nature. its from "god" (since you believe). its not wrong. its deemed illegal becuase people are scared. i hate how everyone passes judgement on it w/o even knowing wut theyre talking about. and i dont want some "its bad for you answer" cuz thats bull and i could care less wut you say, im not stopping, i dont have to, and i dont want to and im not going on. and thats final.

[/color]good thing i go through each letter. You forgot color... I know more about it than you think. Not from experience, but from my friends that try everyday to stop and they can't because they're too weak in their own body to conquer the mighty foe they inflicted upon themselves. Jeez, you don't have to jump down my throat. I'm speaking from the heart, and here in America we have freedom of speech. You do not have the right to not be offended. I don't buy into everyone else. You should know that by now, Lauren. I'm such an individualist that the only group I fit into is the Orthodox Anglican Society at school. Nobody even knows about it, and it's so frustrating to see all these cool people around school that I used to respect, but found out that they make all these bad choices. You are the one listeing to the crowds, whether you realize it or not. You are the one who listens only to Hollywood and the "cool" crowd, not me. I dress in whatever I want, I'm essentially straightedge, except that I'm cool, and then my own bf who's completely smitten with the most unusual girl he's ever gone out with (they'er all the same) and I don't know why bc I'm the one who said I'm waiting, I'm the one who set boundaries, I'm the one with the harder past to endure, whether he admits it or not, I'm the one with all these rules, not him, and yet he's totally smitten, and I don't know why but I love it because he goes against the grain for the most part. Did you know that going against the grain, truly being unique from the crowd, is doing exactly what I do? Nobody else I know is willing to hold back from these things, and they all envy me for my freakness. They don't say it, but I see it.

im not the one following things. my desire to be thin come directly from the heart. screw hollywood and all that. its just fun to watch and pay attention to. that isnt life. your ALMOST completely orginal and amazing except your religion, which is a totally boundary. and your ideas of drugs. rob is like you on the drugs thing. we got into a bit of a fight today. but all the same, i remain unchangedIt's not a boundary. It frees me more than anything. It frees me of the fear that I may be wrong. Hey. It's better to live like there's a Supreme Being and find out there isn't, then to live like there isn't and find out there is. Rob has the right idea. You should listen to him. Drugs are negative. You might lose friends, but it's against the law for a reason, my young friend. either way, you get fooled. i dont "obey" my boyfriend, he has his veiws and i have mine. we made a compromise but i wouldnt even listen to him tell me to do somthing. i dont give a flying 'unicorn' about the law. I didn't say obey him. I said listen to him. Take his words to heart. If he's telling you he's against something you are doing, think hard about it. He cares about you enough to tell you. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't tell you to stop, or that he didn't like it. He would let you continue to kill yourself slowly, painfully, without even realizing how many others you are hurting. That's not what love is. If you really love him, listen to him. Think hard about what you are doing. I'm not telling you to submit and obey him, exactly, (though you should do what he says on this one) I'm telling you to listen to what he says. (see answer above) i do listen.

answer?sorry, i tried to finish on the next post, but i guess H thought I put it in twice. No, I'm glad you listen, now take it to heart. I'll answer the rest when you answer the ones I forgot. alright.alright what? was that really a consession or are you just answering? answering

Do they tell you how cool you are and make you feel great? Do your friends respect you but give tough love when you need it?

yes, some That's good. yea.well it is. indeedYou aren't convincing me you agree. i do agree. hench the last 9 ways ive put it.. ...You do realize I'm partly teasing you? sure.

good.

That's what my best friends do. Leigh, my bestestestest friend since seventh grade is breaking my heart. She's going wiccan, and she knows from her Catholic background that it's wrong. She's fallen in love with this guy from Arkansas and she doesn't even know if he is who he says he is. She refuses to listen when I tell her my fears, and then she acts like nothing is wrong to begin with. But she's so lost, and it scares me, because I'm afraid she'll become trapped in a web of lies, assaulted by her outofstate boyfriend when he comes down to live, or worse. My other best friend, who i've brought up a few times, has bodyimage issues. She's not even ten pounds overweight, and she's desperate to work it all off in two months. I'm so worried she'll hurt herself, but I'm not as scared, because she's my brother's girlfriend. Ed has a great influence on her. She's so smart and wonderful, but she won't look at herself as anymore than what the "beautiful people" say about her. "Oh, you're fat." "Oh, you're white trailer trash. You're stupid. Ugly. Plain. A bad singer. (She has a great voice) Worthless." She chooses to believe all these things, but she doesn't take into account what her loved ones say. Mir is probably my favorite girl to bring up, because she has improved so much since I met her. I love her so much. She's blonde, but there's an e at the end of that. blonds are ditzes. blondes have yellow hair. there's a difference.

Everything my friends do affects me in some way. When they hurt themselves, I hurt. When they say they hate themselves, I want to cry. I value human life so highly. People think I'm strange. But I can't help it. I'm just a nice person with a mission in mind.

guys spell it blond, girls spell it blonde.

i learned that in 4th grade.

anyway, yea i'm not ecstatic about when my friends hurt themselves but theres nothing i can do about it.I view it differently. Yes, there is something you can do about it! Tell them it doesn't sit well with you! If they really are your friends, they'll listen to you without ridiculing you! That's the joy of friendship! You can tell them what you're feeling, and they listen! That' doesn't mean they'll stop it, but it will mean they know it isn't right with you! That can have an effect on someone's judgement! Believe me, Ich's love for me makes a difference when we're together. He holds back a lot because I want to hold back, and he knows it.

yea, well they know how i feel. Have you told them, or are you assuming? Ich and I are having trouble because we assume the other knows what we are thinking. We're still trying to remediate the problem, but it's hard when I only have thirty minutes on the phone each night and no facetoface with him. ive told them. why so little time?I'm grounded. oh yes, i remember. and your parents count the mintues on your phone? i feel bad for you deeply man (that sounds sarcastic.. it isnt).No, but they know when I get on the phone, and they know that if they come in later and i'm still on, I've broken my curfew. We go mostly on the honor system since if I break it, I lose a whole month with ich. wow.. they treat you like a child. I am a child! I'm under 18; I have to do what they say! And I like some of their boundaries and limits. I plan to use them on my own kids, though maybe not to the same extent. They are way too lienient on their grounding, but I like that they enforce certain rules, like curfew, or like making sure I don't go off alone with Ich for more than like, two hours. (I haven't seen him in a week. It's driving me batty!) I'm glad they're latting us go on a walk Sunday. They weren't going to. And they don't really treat me that much like a child. Only when I break the rules. That's reasonable. That's how I'm going to raise my kids. you cant be alone with him for more then 2 hours?! GAH! that stinks. rob takes me to his house at like 1 and i dont check in till like 10. my mom is worried about wut were doing. sometimes its innocent.. like we fall asleep.. and sometimes she really should be. i DO have hormones ya know.haha

Hey, I value two straight hours with my boy. As busy as I am with school and work and my internship... It's crazy! Hormones are fun. Especially when I can tease Rob to no end and not be afraid of him. mmm?fear stops me from enjoying life. fear of being hurt like i have been. Trust is hard for guys to earn from me. understandable

You said you wished everything would go away.

Are you trying to find an escape? sometimes. sometimes im happy. sometimes i couldnt care less. sometimes i wish to die more then anything ive ever wished forI know what you mean. I recognize in you the mirror (however surreal) of my own mind. But are you totally separated from your want of an escape at any time? Is it always niggling in the back of your mind? Always tugging at your heart, no matter how high or drunk or hungry or sweaty or caught up in the moment with Rob you might get? I know that feeling. I am so familiar with it that I hope and pray that I could do something to help another not feel so trapped, cold, afraid of shadows of the past or of the mind. No one deserves the feeling.

sometimes i completely forget. but yea, i guess its always really there. and for the record, i havnt been high in a while and i havnt been fully drunkdrunk.. in like a year. and when im high, i never ever think about dying, or death or anything bad. when im high i talk ALOT and usually about how i feel, and its always good things, always. i dont believe an evil word has ever past my mind when im flying. it makes the dullest things seem happy.

but in the back of your mind, you might not even realize it, you always have escape on the brain, right? Yeah, being high can certainly mask it, but your subconscious doesn't get high.

ok.I was hoping for more of a reply.

well im not sure what you expect me to say.. so i'm unhappy and i numb it and then.. its still there.. and then ok.. I want you to think about your answer. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. I only want the truth, from your heart. i wouldnt tell you what you wanna hear if it was lies.that's good. it's just that your answer sounded like you were trying to guess what I wanted to hear, is all. its not wut you wanted to hear that i was trying to say.. it was an answer at all. it just kinda was "ok" and nothing more.. i dont know wut else to say.. your right, im sad? i dont see how saying that could possibley be different then "ok"well, thnk abotu it. What emotions are exactly going through your mind? Voice would be so much better... too bad we don't know each other personally. Then again, we'd probably never associate if we knew each other in rl... well, i usually dont hang out with religious people cuz we'd argue but thats not nessisarily true. i love your mind, and looks dont define a friendship, so we probably would.No, it would be on my part. I try not to judge people, but I'm shy, and unless you approach me, the "straightedge", we'd never get to know each other unless we had a class. mm maybe you are right. i dont "make" friends, i stumble upon people i grow to love and then i meet people thru them...

that makes two of us. mm nn mm is a noise

Are you trying to climb out of a dark hole with slippery sides? you could call it thatI get a feeling of secrecy from that sentence. What would you call it, Lauren? I used to feel like this all the time. I used to feel like I was jammed into a deep, damp, dark hole with no way out and no hope of a rescuer coming to my aid. I used to feel cornered, pressured to be perfect, but I knew there was no way I could, without hurting myself. I was proud, almost narcissistic, about my quiet demeanor. But deep inside, I knew there had to be something to do. i dont know wut i would call i im not really feeling this at the moment. *thinks of a time i have* i guess id call it.. that. when im upset and alone and crying and all that i feel just like that, like hope never exsisted and no one can save me from the horrible things i feel.

but i have so many good times in life, so many concerts and theme parks and going to the beach and watching movies with rob that i can figure how i feel that way somtimes and it doesnt make sense, its like a completely different people with different mindsets and everything.

how could someone go from so very low to so very happy?

Simple. you could be bipolar, like ich, or you could just be human with high adaptability? I have a short attention span, and it keeps me from acknowledging pain to its fullest extent, until I'm watching a movie like WhatDreamsMayCome. It's insane, but a few weeks ago, we were fighting awfully, and i couldn't stay on subject. I was constantly mentioning things like the glow of the publix light behind him looked like a halo or something, or oneof the others brought over a baby snake (I thought it was awesome), and I was instantly all about the snake. It's stupid, but it's me.

that can be good.. Only sometimes. It gets very frustrating when I'm trying to have a heart to heart talk with him.

mm tru you ain't kiddin ..this ? was just like the "hole" thing It's close, but not quite. I asked if you had a hole in your heart and couldn't fill it. This is asking if you ever feel like you yourself are in a hole and can't get out. oh. well, indeed i do/have

I'll sound like a shrink, but... How does that make you feel? hah! yea you do. um.. idk bad?! duhlol, seriously. bad is a general feeling. I feel bad when I break the rules, but I feel bad when I have a headache too. I don't always break rules when I get a headache. (usually it's vice versa) well idk sad?!

If it feels like I'm pulling these questions from your soul, then I have something to say. If none of these make sense to you, then forget it.

Just know that we at HD love and care for you, and we always want the best for you.

------------

how could it not make sense? even your questions are poetic and beautiful.

not everybody, but thats okay, thanks<333

you might be wiser, but RHIP Rank Has It's Priveliges.

Like driving! Oh yeah!

grr

hehe, you know I'm just teasing you about driving.

Hey, at least you go to public school. My classes are so BORING and SHORT. I feel like I'm skipping out on school, and all we talk about is law. While that interests me, it's driving me insane that all my classmates think alike.

<3<3<3

|||

public school is like my scale... its a love/hate thing...

you didnt answer have them..

sorry, I got ahead of myself. Answer these and I'll get back on track.

mmmkay.

I like vanilla.

me too

where be youuuu?

2:34am overreacting in dark corner.

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