What if?

[Topazia]

What would you say if I collapsed, falling to the ground in tears of sweet relief?

 

You would look at me funny, quietly wondering: a: if I'm sane and b: what you can do to help

I know you would, because you're human.

Humans naturally have compassion.

 

 

What would you say if I pitched a fit, screaming and stomping and acting infantile?

 

Let me explain: I've never been this stressed, but I've been close.

You would look at me as if I were totally senile.

 

 

What would you say if I was walking along, and all of a sudden, I bolted as fast as possible into a nearby forest. When you finally find me, I'm rocking front to back, hugging my knees, humming a monotone. What would you do?

You'd wonder: a, what I'm high on and b, what's wrong with me.

I know you would, because you're human, and humans are compassionate at true heart.

 

 

If I were to be talking about some mundane thing, like cats, or a book, or a game, and suddenly burst into tears, what would you do? What would you think of me?

 

Would you reject me? Possibly, but only because you don't know any other way to react to my absurd behavior.

 

But what if I don't consider it absurd? What if I've been holding and storing and penting up all this frustration in my life, when finally it gets too much and I'm always brooding over it, and when I'm talking about some stupid little thing, I crack, bursting into fits and sobs and hysterical crying? When you reject me, what if I'm thinking, oh, they rejected me because I'm a freak, worthless, alone, stupid, ugly, not worthy enough to kiss their toilet bowl? What if that's what happened the last time I was trapped in my own roller coaster emotional complex? What if it's what always happens and the rejection is building up and I'm about to go completely postal? What if the only person who acts like they'll always accept me for who I am is the one person I'm afraid to trust because he's too close? What if the only one whose body and mouth talk the same launguage of unconditional love is the one person I can never let privy to my innermost hopes, dreams, fears, nightmares, and fantasies because he's the only one I've let into my heart since I was four years old and my parents divorced because of what a maniac did to my psyche?

 

What if I really do believe I'm a screw up to the core? What if, what if, no matter how you say it, no matter how many times you tell me it's not true, I shall never change my mind that I'm really not a worthless piece of trash with no hope for any kind of success?

 

What if it's not the world I'm afraid of, but my own potential?

 

They always say I'm a genius, but I don't really believe it. They always say I can sing, but I don't really believe it. They always say I'm beautiful, that I could be a model, that I can do somuch with my life it's not funny, but I don't really believe it. I don't, so I don't try to meet their expectations, because I find my own standards hard enough to live by. They say I'm amazing, I think they're crazy. I'm so tired of all the praise, but it's what I lived for the first 15 years of my life. They call me all these wonderful things, but I still don't view them as true. I can only believe what my heart says and what my beloved says, and those are conflicting opinions. Now I have no clue who I am, and I have to choose between myself and my beloved. I can't help thinking, what if all those years of perfoming for praise were in vain? What if I could have just been myself and still received the same compliments of genius, of beauty, of creativity, of talent? What if I'm wrong, and my beloved, as well as the rest of my peers and loved ones, is actually correct? What if I really am something special? Then I think, no, I've managed just fine my own way, but then I stop again. I haven't managed my own way. I've managed the way they wanted me to. I've never been myself. What if all those years of questioning my "beliefs" that I didn't really believe, and all those years of faking it for praise, were in vain? I could have done so much better, and I didn't. I could have remained true to myself, but I didn't. I broke my own rules the day I let myself be governed by their rules and traditions. I broke them again the instant I let myself feel an amazing rush of positivity and the sight of my beloved: I let myself love. I broke my own rules, and now I'm questioning my motives of ever having the rules.

 

What if all these whatifs are driving me deeper and deeper into the insanity I profess and suffer despite the lack of diagnostic evidence? What if I'm really afraid? What if I'm really insane? What if I don't know if I'm rushing my life, pushing my life to the limits too quickly, all for the purpose of recovering from my insanity, which can never go away, even with the most powerful medications, because it's rooted deep inside my brain, my heart, my mind, my conscience, my life? What if my view was distorted hopelessly because of my past?

 

 

What would you think of me if I poured out my heart to you, not caring anymore of the consequences and ramifications that ensue?

 

What then?

++++++++++++++++++++

you don't have to reply

I felt like writing today, and this is what came out.

 

read it, fine.

reply, whatever.

don't reply, I don't care.

I love you anyway.

[Topazia]

Okay, you can say something, now...