Jesusfreak

Hokay, things have been a little crazy lol, so a general idea: Phil: Still hasn't been talking to me, so, as promised, I am moving on. It's kind of freeing, but there's still that feeling of something being missing. I have, however, been in better spirits since making that choice. I just hope he figures out what love is before he hurts someone else. (Phil hasn't mentioned the assortment of statuses I've had on aim/facebook/skype about moving on. I assume he's seen them since I left them up for so long, but they got no reaction, so I guess he doesn't care. I think if he really loved me he would have done something about it.) Classes: So far so good. My psych professor is a young guy, wears jeans and flip flops, told us to call him Jim. Much of our work will involve people-watching in McDonalds. My inclusive middle school class only meets like every other week, professor seems batty, but nice and down to earth. Education professors are cool. The one for science/social studies I've had before, and he's awesome. The other one was *not* who I signed up for, and I have no idea why she's teaching the class. It looks like we're going to have a lot of work, but she seems reasonable enough. And choir of course is choir. The director this semester makes lots of corny jokes, but he's a nice guy. And we get to use those black choir folders again! (WAY better than the red ones, which were too small and falling apart) Apartment: So far so good. Having my own room is quite nice. Water pressure in the shower is bad (takes forever to wash my hair like that), but we're not sharing it with a whole floor of people. Cooking real food is also nice; I have to go shopping today and pick up some groceries and such. Other Stuff: I got summoned for jury duty! Of course they picked a day in the middle of the semester that I can't attend, but I'll request an alternate date during winter break to go.

<monty python> I'M NOT DEAD YET! </monty python>

lol, we've gone through a few board updates over the years, and we're all older now too, which explains the acting different. I joined here when I was a freshman in high school, and now I'm a senior in college. December makes 7 years I think.

Yeah, it is. Or maybe he's just not the right one and someone better will come along. Phil was what I wanted, but with the way he acts now, I'm not so sure he still is what I want. So, I'm leaving myself open to ideas.

Wow, very nice! Are you driving yet?

Okay, I'm back at school now. I got to move in on Friday, which was cool. I talked to phil a few days earlier to see where he's at, and he seems to be in roughly the same place he was when we first took our break. At the moment it looks like if we get back together, it won't be until after we've graduated and settled into real life. I also reminded him what I said about talking to me (for some reason he had forgotten). However, pretty much all of our communication since then has been about maplestory and little else. At the moment, I have the idea that perhaps he thinks he loves me, but doesn't have a good understanding of what love is. I think that if he loved me how I loved him, his priorities would be a bit different and he'd behave differently. At one point in our conversation I said, "How exactly does love work for you?" He said, "Maybe I don't know myself," and then left to take a shower.

>_< *hugs*

I am certain you will get comments. It is very direct and should touch some people all the way through to their core. lol still no comments. People only tend to read things that they are tagged in, or things that show up in their news feed. Ugh. Another thought is that when the written word touches a spot in the heart where you feel a twinge... sometimes you don't have the words to respond. Your poem did just that. I'm thinking that may have been the case, since this wasn't exactly a happy poem. Chances are anyone who felt that this poem was talking to them didn't want to respond.

Not missing... just using some junk computer that is NOT a Mac and is something that I would toss into the trash. This computer in the hotel would be best served to be a boat anchor. The 7th will be here before you know it. Ah okay, I was starting to get a bit worried there lol. And yeah, I know it's gonna come up fast. Dunno if that's good or not. I can read the posts on my iPhone, but when I try to reply to posts that have lots of quotes, it doesn't want to reply in the correct place. Probably operator error. And fast is good because maybe Phil will get back to being his 'old self' once he is back at school. I can't hold out hope for that one. Phil's classes tend to be hard, and he doesn't even have his schedule completed yet because somewhere someone messed up his transcript or something when they switched over the course formatting. Also, he was having financial aid problems where the company messed up the numbers, and everything is just a mess. And to make things even more stressful, I think he's going to be rooming with someone he doesn't know. Phil sounds like he has a black cloud hanging over his head. I'm sorry that he has all these problems to deal with. You're right... I don't think things look good for him at the moment. Way too much stress. Yeah. >_< Things are *starting* to look better, but still not quite there yet. His roomie and other two suitemates apparently all seem really cool, and though one of the classes he wanted filled up, he emailed the instructor, and the instructor gave him a permission number to get in anyways. However, he's still stressed over other things. So, the perpetual wait and see.

I'm sure you'll do great; you always do. How was moving in?

I am certain you will get comments. It is very direct and should touch some people all the way through to their core. lol still no comments. People only tend to read things that they are tagged in, or things that show up in their news feed.

Great news to know that what you are experiencing is felt by others. At least your mind can relax knowing it is not just you. Hopefully Phil's mother can help. Glad you and Jazzy were able to talk. How do you feel? I'm not sure how I feel. I guess I feel a lot of things. New information always makes me feel better, and having other people who are in contact with both Phil and myself is always helpful. I've been sort of going between states of thinking I should give up and get over him, desperately wanting things to be fixed, and a neutral "wait and see." I hate being in a state of not knowing. Not knowing is definitely the worst. Waiting to see how things turn out will be hard, but at least you will be able to know that you have done all you could to see what would happen with Phil and your relationship. Hopefully things will change when he gets back to school. Well, I talked to him the other day to see where he was at and where we stand. Basically, we're at the same place in which we started. He's stressed over a million different things, hasn't had time to really even think about our relationship, and doesn't think he's going to be able to have the time for it this year. I was right that us spending so much time together wasn't good for his grades, and he wants to keep that from happening again. He does want me back, he just doesn't think he can handle it right now. So, that's understandable I guess. I'm going to be too busy to visit him as much as I did too. I might suggest to him an extremely low-key relationship, where we both at least acknowledge the fact that we love each other, but we each go ahead and put other things first at least until we have more time. I don't expect him to do the impossible and make days longer or anything. What I did tell him though, was that he needs to stay in touch and talk to me more if he wants me back, and that if he continues with this not talking thing like he's been doing the past couple months, I will probably move on. That night, I had a dream where we both got back together. It was one of those dreams that felt so real, and I was so happy. Probably the best dream I ever had. Then I woke up, and reality involved that I had to stop by his house to pick up a jacket I left there last time I was there, which was before our break, about two months ago. That was kinda tough on me. Seeing him again, aside from the fact that there was no kissing and no "I love you," it was just like when we were together. We hugged, chatted about stuff, he said, "I really ought to go finish my packing" like 10 times before I actually left, just like it used to be. But, if he's not willing to even put the effort in to simply talk to me, he's not worth waiting for. I deleted the note I wrote about us taking a break yesterday, and plan to leave myself more open to new possibilities. If Phil wants me back in his life, he's going to have to put me there.

I strongly suggest simply wearing a swimsuit when you move in, and making sure you pack everything in plastic. Your weather forecast isn't looking pretty.

Not missing... just using some junk computer that is NOT a Mac and is something that I would toss into the trash. This computer in the hotel would be best served to be a boat anchor. The 7th will be here before you know it. Ah okay, I was starting to get a bit worried there lol. And yeah, I know it's gonna come up fast. Dunno if that's good or not. I can read the posts on my iPhone, but when I try to reply to posts that have lots of quotes, it doesn't want to reply in the correct place. Probably operator error. And fast is good because maybe Phil will get back to being his 'old self' once he is back at school. I can't hold out hope for that one. Phil's classes tend to be hard, and he doesn't even have his schedule completed yet because somewhere someone messed up his transcript or something when they switched over the course formatting. Also, he was having financial aid problems where the company messed up the numbers, and everything is just a mess. And to make things even more stressful, I think he's going to be rooming with someone he doesn't know.

Thanks. I posted this one up on facebook too, though I'm not sure who saw it, since there were no comments on it. To be fair, I did post it at like 7am.

Great news to know that what you are experiencing is felt by others. At least your mind can relax knowing it is not just you. Hopefully Phil's mother can help. Glad you and Jazzy were able to talk. How do you feel? I'm not sure how I feel. I guess I feel a lot of things. New information always makes me feel better, and having other people who are in contact with both Phil and myself is always helpful. I've been sort of going between states of thinking I should give up and get over him, desperately wanting things to be fixed, and a neutral "wait and see." I hate being in a state of not knowing.

Not missing... just using some junk computer that is NOT a Mac and is something that I would toss into the trash. This computer in the hotel would be best served to be a boat anchor. The 7th will be here before you know it. Ah okay, I was starting to get a bit worried there lol. And yeah, I know it's gonna come up fast. Dunno if that's good or not.

.....and now Horatio has gone missing. o.o Also, I go back on the 7th. Late this year. o.O

My weekend was pretty fun overall. Got to see Lara, visit with family, and met my cousin's girlfriend. Last night I was talking to Jazzy (Phil's younger sister), and found out some things. I can't give details, but basically Phil is repeating history, possibly without even knowing it, and the problems I'm having with them are being experienced by other people too, so I at least know I'm not alone in this. Jazzy said she was going to get her mom to talk to him, so it should be interesting to see what happens.

History History repeats itself, so put your pride upon the shelf Put your energy where it matters or watch as hearts shatter Ten years for now will this be worthwhile? Or will you think you should have walked a different mile? Seeking wisdom makes you stronger, not holding out a little longer. Open your eyes and maybe you'll see, most fears are not reality. Though scars remain, your heart can heal, so don't let your past your future seal.

Things have been a little crazy, but with no real change in my overall situation. I've been busy, and I'm going to be out of state until Sunday. Some crazy stuff has been going on with parts of Phil's family, though I'm not going to disclose exactly what. He wasn't directly impacted, but it was something major. Before that happened, a mutual friend said he wanted to fix things before school starts. He goes back at the end of the month. We both went to a different friend's birthday party last week too. It was a lot of fun, and it was obvious to me that there was still something there between us, but nothing happened. I did, however, write up a sort of plan of things that will need to happen if he wants to try our relationship again. That way, I won't forget anything, and I'll be less likely to let things slide like I did before. I want to make sure I do it right next time. But yeah, nothing of particular interest has really happened, so, no updates. ._.

lol, people disappear and come back all the time! I never knew you well, but you do look familiar. Welcome back!

Awww I'm still here! Just things have been kinda crazy so I've been mostly lurking. >_<

VBS is exhausting, but fun lol. I was a bit too busy to do it this year though. >_< Also, while I'm guessing that video is the one you put on facebook, I tried playing it anyways, and Windows Media Player doesn't like it.

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm sorrrrrry! I was getting really excited! Is there a reason behind that decision? Oh yeah... a million corporate reasons. French law regarding work visas, pilot duty times and other pilot factors, etc.. You would have thought that these details would have been worked out long ago. It is not like we are trying to just make the start up today. They have been working on this for years. Yeah seriously. *hugs* Sorry things didn't work out. >_<